May 20, 2014
I am high. I have $5. Should I watch Man of Steel on pay-per-view?
Are you high? Do you have $5? If you do not have $5, do you plan on having $5 by the time your cable bill comes due? Do you like Amy Adams and Diane Lane? Is there really really really nothing else on? Then you should watch Man of Steel on pay-per-view.
I was once like you. I was high, and had $5, and I like Amy Adams and Diane Lane, and there was really really really nothing else on. So I watched Man of Steel. What could go wrong???
Nothing. Nothing could go wrong. This movie is kind of fucking great, first she’s having a baaaaby, like easiest delivery ever, and then the rulers of Krypton have awesome space crowns, and then Zod’s lefthand chick is all punk and ’80s, like she looks like this:
but with boob armor, and it is ALL SO ’80s, and then Zod is like a eugenicist Nazi kind of guy and he arrests Jor-El even though they have a long loving brotherhood (because COMPLEXITY and also BACKSTORY), and then they are riding like pterodactyls or something, some kind of fighty birds that are a total Avatar ripoff, I think? I don’t know, I don’t really remember Avatar, because I was high.
So Man of Steel is all about how Clark Kent really wants to help people but his dad, Kevin Costner (who is good!) is afraid that mankind won’t be ready for him, and the first bunch of scenes are Clark going out and tramping around on fishing boats and in Alaska and doing good things anyway, in secret, and he is like this myth, a Bigfoot legend. It is cool and also he is sooooooooooo fucking hottttttttt, like Wolverine, and Jesus.
But then they shave him and Brylcreem him and put him in the suit, and the suit is pretty gay. Like, not Joel Schumacher Batman gay, but still gay, and he is not that hot anymore, oh well.
So the movie is really pretty and fun! And the fistfights are amaaaaazing! And the philosophy is a horror show of dumbness, like a mishmash of Silicon Valley Nerd Exceptionalist Libertarian Pseudo-Randian arglebargle, like, you mean centrally planning what children will be from their very inception might be a bad thing? And then the bad guys are explicitly Darwinists — “if we have proven anything,” they say, like bad guys, “it is that evolution always wins.” So now Superman’s a total Silicon Valley Galt’s Gulchster/but also Jesus (he was always Jesus)/and now an anti-Darwinist Bible humper, somehow? The Deep Thoughts Philosophy is so hilariously dumb, that I am high and I am still laughing at it for being fucking dumb.
Also, Zod wants to colonize earth, and they act like this is a bad thing, but what are we if not a series of colonizations? Is it really so different? What if we were colonized by giant ants? WHAT THEN? Zod wants Clark to be the bridge between two cultures, a Trojan horse for the giant ants.
A lot of stuff happens in outer space. Amy Adams is in outer space, obviously, she is Lois Lane. In outer space. Rad.
At a certain point you won’t really know what is going on and should go get some ice cream so you can pay attention again, because really it is kind of a lot of stuff, and they sort of leave out important parts for you to know, like, wait, how did that lady just die or whatever, just all of a sudden she’s sort of dead.
At the end Superman becomes Clark Kent, and now you have had your whole new origin story.
So, should you watch Man of Steel on pay-per-view? Fuck yeah. A+++ high movie watching, would watch movie high again.