I Am High. I Have $5. Should I Watch ‘We’re The Millers’ On Pay-Per-View?


Are you high? Do you have $5? If you do not have $5, do you plan on having $5 by the time your cable bill comes due? Do you like Jennifer Aniston? Do you like drugs and/or boobs? Then you should watch We’re the Millers on pay-per-view.

I was once like you. I was high, and had $5, and I like Jennifer Aniston movies and boobs. So I watched We’re the Millers. What could go wrong???


Not much actually! It was maybe a little draggy for the first half, until the incest scene, but by then, we’d gotten some characterization instead of just Jason Sudeikis being a dick, Jennifer Aniston being Jennifer Aniston but a stripper, and their two “kids” being a dork and/or a homeless gutterpunk, depending on which “kid.”

OK, So What Is This Movie About?

You probably pretty much got it from the trailers. Jason Sudeikis is a small-time dealer of dimebags. Jennifer Aniston is his stripper neighbor. Sudeikis gets a sweet gig smuggling eight billion tons of Drugs up from Meheeco, and must fabricate a fambly to throw border patrol off his skunky, stanky scent. Hijinks, plus a scene of Aniston stripping, all gleaming golden skin and Flashdance showers, ensue.

Yep, that was pretty much the whole movie mostly!

Are Parts of It Super-Funny?

Yes! Parts of it are super-funny! Mostly, the incest scene. The incest scene is worth $5 right there.

So Jennifer Aniston Is A Real-Life Stoner, Right, So That Is Why She Is Making A Pot Comedy Even Though No One Gets High?

Well, that’s what we always heard, and we are A Expert Who Reads the Internet, so we are guessing it is True.

Should I Let My Kids Watch ‘We’re the Millers’?

You want to raise a bunch of narcs? Then don’t let them watch We’re the Millers. You wanna raise cool kids who are cool and have friends and don’t tattle every time someone says a cuss, and also are cool? Then yes, you should let them watch We’re the Millers. Jesus Christ, enough with the prigs. Let your kids beat off to Jennifer Aniston and creep on their friends’ moms. The world isn’t going to end.

So This Is a Family Movie?

It is. Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind.

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