Hero Lobbyist Drafting Legislation To Protect Delicate NFL Showers From Scary Gays

Hero Lobbyist Drafting Legislation To Protect Delicate NFL Showers From Scary Gays

Look at us going all sportsball! It’s a new vertical synergized avenue of thought leader growth, mainly because there are many sports-related things that bring the funny and/or stupid. Today, we have lobbyist Jack Burkman floating a bill to ban gays from the NFL because that is the most pressing political issue of the day.

Why is Burkman so concerned about homosexuals like Michael Sam rampaging their way through the delicate locker rooms of the NFL? Showers, duh.

“We are losing our decency as a nation,” Burkman said in a statement. “Imagine your son being forced to shower with a gay man. That’s a horrifying prospect for every mom in the country. What in the world has this nation come to?”

That is some dramatic shit, yo. Do you think Burkman is presenting the bill by just quoting Ghostbusters at lawmakers?

Now, let us take a critical moment to remind you that Burkman is down with soliciting sex from ladies, for monies, but that is just fine because that is totally part of God’s plan for man.

Normally we’d hardee har har at the legality of trying to get a law passed to ban a private employer from hiring whatever flavors of private employees they might like, but since the NFL has a ridiculous corporate structure wherein it is a 501(c)(6) nonprofit trade association that doesn’t pay any taxes (though individual teams do), maybe there is some way that Congress can stop them and them alone from taking the gays.

And lest you think that Burkman, the man with the genius plan, is some sort of weird hanger-on up at the Hill that everyone tolerates but no one hires or listens to, haha you are so wrong.

Burkman serves as founder and president of his own lobbying firm, Burkman Associates. He has also worked as of counsel at law firm Holland & Knight. In the 1990s, he served as counsel to then-Rep. Rick Lazio (R-N.Y.).

Burkman’s firm, JM Burkman & Associates, signed 70 new clients last year, the most of any K Street firm, a recent review by The Hill found.

Burkman better act fast, as the NBA is already infested with a gay player, Jason Collins, who actually played in a game on Sunday after he was signed by the Brooklyn Nets. Horror of horrors! Clearly the NBA locker room denizens must be trembling in fear at the thought of Collins’ big gay body showering next to theirs. Expect the Nets to turn to pillars of stone before the season is out. No such tragic fate will befall the NFL, though, because Jack has got their back and will protect them from roving bands of showering gays. God Bless Jack Burkman.

[The Hill]

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  • msanthropesmr

    Imagine your son being forced to shower with a gay man. That’s a horrifying prospect for every mom in the country.Uh huh. Terrifying. Moms everywhere are clutching their pearls in horror.

    • Yes. Much better to just have your child shower with a group of his peers while being watched by a P.E. Teacher/Coach.All of which are 100% verifiably NOT gay.

      • nothingisamiss

        That’s just science.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Is this bill aimed at Pee Wee Football or grown-up adult football? Who’s he trying to protect here?

  • Erso

    Children should only be FORCED to shower with straight men, as God intended them to be.

  • So what does he plan to do about the gay men who are already players in the NFL?We know they are there.

  • Boston Red

    I’m pretty sure your mom wouldn’t be happy if you were to shower with a woman, either.

    • Homestar

      I know. Why even bring moms into the conversation? Moms don’t want to know who their sons shower with, where, when, or why (we’re talking about adult grown up sons), and if they do, that’s just gross.

  • Rick Strandlof

    Rapists, murders and wife beaters are all in the Bible and pretty much OK with God. We gays on the other hand are to be feared as it is our singular unholy goal to insidiously penetrate American society as we constantly do each other’s orifices.

  • motmelere

    heh, pillars of stone, snck

  • Anne Elk

    I’m trembling at the thought of a big gay body showering next to me, but not for the same reason.

  • x111e7thst

    It’s raining men. In the NFL showers.

  • shawnthesheep

    I hate to break it to the 60+ guys that were in the boys locker room after PE class on my first day of 7th grade, but you were all showering with a gay! And it was such a terrifying, life-altering experience that most of you had no idea it was happening. Quelle horror!

  • DickNaily

    When asked to prove his shower ogling accusations he simply linked to Craigslist missed connections