Help Us Make Best Friends With Some Diamonds This Christmas

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As we get so close to the big day, you know it is getting time to go big or go home, which is why we’ve been waiting to ask you for this Ultimate Diamond Experience.

Sure, the name makes it sound like one of those car wash packages where they will steam clean your engine, and while that would be a lovely gift for a peasant, we deserve this $1.8 million diamond tourist trip.

As the owner of this 25-carat rough Forevermark® diamond, you’ll travel deep into the heart of Africa to discover where your stone began its journey more than one billion years ago.

This once-in-a-lifetime adventure starts with a trip to the De Beers headquarters in London. Once there, you’ll receive your exceptional diamond in its rough and uncut form, name your diamond, learn about the unique inscription it will receive, and meet the master craftsman who will hand-cut and polish it to perfection.

Well, we’ve already named our diamond in anticipation of you giving us this gift, so we really can’t wait to meet little Honky. So excited to finally put a 25-carat face to the name! We’re a little disappoint, though, as this London plus diamond thing seems a little thin for $1.8 million. What else do we get?

A private tour of The Crown Jewels and dinner with De Beers CEO Philippe Mellier and Forevermark CEO Stephen Lussier in the Tower of London follow.

Isn’t that the place that used to be a prison? Come ON Neiman Marcus. We’re not giving you this much money to slum it.

Your journey continues on a vessel off Namibia’s coast, where your diamond was discovered deep within the ocean floor. You’ll then explore rough-diamond sorting houses and a children’s community project, where the local population benefits from Forevermark’s responsible sourcing of diamonds.

Now THAT is what we’re talking about. Just make sure to hide the children with the stump hands from the stealing of the diamonds and the cutting off of the hands down the way, where those other, bad diamonds are. We’re paying to feel better about our rapacious consumerism, and that just won’t happen until you trot out some community organizers and “children’s community project” for our viewing pleasure. Now these children will dance for us, yes? DANCE, CHILDREN, DANCE! When we feel good, you feel good, so buy us this soon. We’d like to meet our diamond ASAP.

[We’d love anything you buy us from our Christmas list, but we’d probably love this most of all because of how it is really expensive.]

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  • QHarp

    These dancing children, are they legitimately dancing, or are they ‘dancing’ because you’re shooting a pistol at their feet? Because I feel like you’re getting cheated if it’s not the second.

  • James McCarty Yeager

    you wanna name yer diamond ‘honky’? i’s proud, proud, i tells ye, ta see ye recognicatin’ ol’ louie gohmert…

  • Elaine Kurpiel

    Will the tour include a gentle stroll through the birthplace of Honky and its’ extraction by those colorful (and I mean color) folks so determined to give you your perfect diamond, that they will die or starve themselves and families? I would probably call my diamond Bloody.

  • Pandora Maltese

    oh yes yes please! i cannot express how wonderful it would be to own something shiny and useless “discovered” beneath the ocean. and to dine with two men who have made their fortune on slave labor? in the actual place where people were imprisoned to further the political power of kings and queens? i am giddy in anticipation.

    • Ellis_Weiner

      And to “name” it. You forgot about the naming.

      • WA Bishop

        I hope the buyer brings their 5-year-old over-indulged child with them and lets them name it. I hope it gets a name like “Pee-poo”.

  • Nixon, etc.

    “Obviously it’s a white diamond, the best kind of diamond.” – Mygyn Kylly

    • Arcturus

      I don’t suppose Megyn cares much for those second-rate “chocolate diamonds” this sham industry is foisting on the gullible public now.

  • glasspusher

    No blood diamonds, Trix, but I know a place that makes synthetic diamond at 10 bucks a carat. You what a carat is? It’s a fifth of a gram. In other words, its a way of making gems seem 5 times bigger.Please consult me for all your boron-doped diamond needs. It’s what I worked on in grad school.

    • Andrew Galley

      I used to get doped on boron back in college. Did you know it’s really hard to have an intervention for someone who has their head stuck in a fume hood? It’s really loud in those things!

      • glasspusher

        Nice to know I’m not the only one here who’s got the straight dope on boron!Fume hoods are also a good place to put co-workers after they’ve gone out to lunch for chili dogs.

  • peteywheats

    These pledge drives are getting crazy.

  • calliecallie

    I don’t really care about the diamond. I just would like a guy who is worth wearing a diamond for.

  • Can I have this diamond cast in one of those AIDS-giving rings that Pat Robertson was talking about? Because that would be the true embodiment of the holiday spirit.

  • Arcturus

    Diamonds are the second biggest (and successful!) marketing scam ever devised. They are not that uncommon, and they are not worth nearly what people are shamed into paying for them. De Beers invented the whole sordid mythology. Google it. (Religion holds the number one slot.)