May 1, 2020
Heather Locklear is Britney Spears’ Ghost of Christmas Future
So on Sunday, which I know is like one million years ago in Internet time, but it has taken that long for me to process this, Britney Spears tweeted a photo of herself getting her bikini swag on for a video or something like that I don’t really care what.
I am a person of a Certain Age and that age is actually really damn old when Britney turned up but exactly the right age to have developed a healthy fear/lust response to Heather Locklear, who has given us some of the very best moments of teevee ever.
She was a gorgeous yet tough cop who could take a bad guy down by simply sort of ineffectually pitching a baton in his vicinity:
She wasn’t afraid to get her hands or her anything dirty:
Did you watch the whole thing? You have to watch the whole thing. Either you are a person of a Certain Age and you will watch that and think aww hell yeah I remember when this episode aired or you are a Young Person and you should know your history.
Heather Locklear didn’t just fight in water or mud. She took it all the way to the boardroom, baby:
Did Heather Locklear have the reddest power-est power suit? OF COURSE SHE DID HOW COULD YOU EVEN ASK SUCH A THING?
Next to all this, Britney is merely but a shadow, but she’s young and strong. If there’s a god in heaven, her next video will just be Britney in a power suit in one endless fluid-based catfight after another.