Heather Locklear is Britney Spears’ Ghost of Christmas Future

Heather Locklear Is Britney Spears' Ghost Of Christmas Future

So on Sunday, which I know is like one million years ago in Internet time, but it has taken that long for me to process this, Britney Spears tweeted a photo of herself getting her bikini swag on for a video or something like that I don’t really care what.

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Here’s why I am having deep feels about this: Britney Spears is turning into Heather Locklear. heather_locklear

I am a person of a Certain Age and that age is actually really damn old when Britney turned up but exactly the right age to have developed a healthy fear/lust response to Heather Locklear, who has given us some of the very best moments of teevee ever.

She was a gorgeous yet tough cop who could take a bad guy down by simply sort of ineffectually pitching a baton in his vicinity:

She wasn’t afraid to get her hands or her anything dirty:

Did you watch the whole thing? You have to watch the whole thing. Either you are a person of a Certain Age and you will watch that and think aww hell yeah I remember when this episode aired or you are a Young Person and you should know your history.

Heather Locklear didn’t just fight in water or mud. She took it all the way to the boardroom, baby:

Did Heather Locklear have the reddest power-est power suit? OF COURSE SHE DID HOW COULD YOU EVEN ASK SUCH A THING?


Next to all this, Britney is merely but a shadow, but she’s young and strong. If there’s a god in heaven, her next video will just be Britney in a power suit in one endless fluid-based catfight after another.

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  • HabsFan29

    I am honoured to be the first commentor on a post in the sideboob section.I am of that Certain Heather Locklear Age. If Brit Brit can end up with one-tenth the career or looks in her middle age Heather has had, it will be a minor miracle.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    I’m holding out for the Brit-Brit/Heather jello wrestling episode

  • george gonzalez

    When I showed some enthusiasm for Heather Locklear on the tee-vee, my 6-year-old son went to Mom and warned her that I liked “Helen Knockular”.Ever since then I call her that. Whenever I call.

    • glasspusher

      Love it! She was certainly very knockular back in the day, but now? I think she’s made of plastic. She’s gonna be like Dinah Shore- look 40 when she dies at 70+, through a soft focus filter…

  • glasspusher

    This whole “top down” comment listing is confusing me. Love the shot of Heather in the blue bikini, but for some reason I’m feeling gypped that I can’t see her shoes. See how you people have changed me?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      you can control how disqus displays

  • le_renard_de_velours

    Ok, I’m making the transition slowly. I clicked on the jump, panicked, clicked on this tab, now feel slightly calmer. Right, something nice to say…that power suit makes me feel funny in my tummy, and makes me want to do a wee.

  • le_renard_de_velours

    I have a feeling the strict is strong is this moderator.

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    This post was deleted.

  • Sally Johnson

    I’d caress that.

  • glasspusher

    Day three and that top image of teh Heathur is still faptacular. Mmm mmm mmm