May 29, 2018
Hayden Panettiere’s Path to the Presidency
Actress/cheerleader/country-singer Hayden Panettiere will never become President of the United States; don’t be ridiculous. However, there is a statistically significant (that is, non-zero) chance that one day the star of such movies as Ice Princess (2005), Bring it On: All or Nothing (2006) and Scream 4 (2011) will one day become President of Ukraine.
But tell me, oh Chef of the Future (we hear you asking), how could such a strange thing happen? What bizarre sequence of events could land America’s Sweetheart in the Maryinsky Palace?
Have you ever stopped to consider:
- FACT! Hayden is engaged to Wladimir Klitschko, heavyweight boxing champion and actual Ukrainian.
- FACT! Wladimir Klitschko’s brother is Vitali Klitschko, also too a Ukrainian boxing champ, but more importantly, the leader of the Ukrainian Democratic Alliance for Reform.
- FACT! Ukrainians have welcomed previous blonde overlord Yulia Tymoshenko as Prime Minister (twice!) thus paving the way for President Panettiere.
So how does Panettiere get from “Nashville” (Wednesday nights at 10PM on ABC) to Kiev? All she needs to do is use one of these Weird Tricks:
The Madame Nhu Maneuver with a Lady MacBeth twist:
1. Hayden marries her sweetheart Wladimir
2. Vitali is elected president
3. Hayden operates behind the scenes as the de facto power behind her corrupt brother-in-law’s throne.
End Result: Panettiere calls Klitschko Brothers “a bunch of pussies,” thus provoking them into invading Russia
Odds of this scenario actually occurring: 10-1
The Full Yushchenko with RFK flip and Eva Peron twist:
Steps one and two as above.
3. President of Ukraine Vitali Klitschko has tea with Putin. Shortly afterwards he falls ill and dies.
4. Wladimir is elected President in huge sympathy vote.
5. Hayden becomes first lady and secretly pulls the strings, etc.
End Result: Panettiere sings defiant country song about kicking ass, Putin withdraws troops from Crimea in fear.
Odds of this scenario actually occurring: 5-1
The Corazon Aquino with surprise Joan of Arc:
Step one as above.
2. Wladimir elected to Parliament.
3. Wladimir becomes important voice of opposition.
4. Wladimir drinks Putin’s tea and dies.
5. Massive “People Powered Revolution” brings Hayden to power.
6. God tells Hayden to go to war with unbelievers.
End Result: President Panettiere rallies
fellow cheerleaders Ukrainian troops with one of those “We are Sparta” “They will never take away our freedom” “Wolverines” motivational speeches, conquers world. We are all Ukrainians now.
Odds of this scenario actually occurring: Even money.