A Complete Live-ish Blogging Of The One Hundred Years It Took To Watch ‘Riddick’
All I knew going into Riddick is that it stars Vin Diesel and he is probably Riddick? and it is maybe science fiction? I knew for sure it had Katee Sackhoff, Battlestar Galactica’s Starbuck, so hawt.
But what is this desolate CGI world?
Hello, thing that looks like a pterodactyl or a buzzard or a vulture but is alien! Hello voiceover! Vin Diesel is marble-mouthing about how he is always left for dead. Related: Vin Diesel is turning, voice-wise, into Sylvester Stallone. Or maybe he has always sounded this way?
Buzzard thing is trying to eat Riddick’s fingers, but Riddick strangles him because baller. But there are many buzzard things circling this greenscreen land o’ shale, watching as Riddick crawls out of a hole and drags himself along. Oh, he’s got creepy eyes, but I have no idea what they do except maybe he sees things in sort of a haze of purple?
OK, now there’s a pack of animals that leap across the landscape with the speed of hyenas, but Riddick is able to avoid them by doing a crabwalk backwards for a while and going into some water. The animals are some sort of wolf/dog/zebra/dingo type of hybrid.
Every animal on this planet looks like something a small child would draw. It’s a wolfdogzebra, mom! It’s a crabsnake! So the movie is basically full of ligers. One of them attacks Riddick and Riddick can barely fight him off until he throws a piece of his armor and the creature runs off to fetch it, presumably because it is part dog? Either way the thing never comes back, so good on you, Riddick! Oh wait. Now a pack of them is back, but now they’re just here to fight with the crabsnake thing, which is apparently much tougher than the dogwolf thing. The crabsnake actually looks like your drawing child was kind of gifted and thought to fuse a dinosaur skull with pincers onto a killer eel.
More Stallone-esque voiceover. “The whole damn planet wanted a piece of me. Can’t stay in the open. Can’t risk another attack.” What is that smell? It is the smell of OSCAR! Now he’s crawled under a piece of shale to narrate his own flashback. Something called necromungers? mongers?? Now there are four ladies lying on the bed caressing each other and they’re naked! Hey naked ladies! But Riddick does not want to play with the naked ladies. He wants to quaff angrily from some sort of drinking vessel and stare into space. Now he is mumblemarblewhispering at someone about how he wants to go home, and apparently he got to go on a ship because now we are back at greenscreen shale land.
This is not where he wanted to go, you guys. Someone is trying to play him! (No, that’s exactly what he says). He gets blowed up and abandoned and left for dead and now we are at the present day I guess. This whole flashback setup thing has now gone on for 18 minutes, so the pacing of this thing is pretty much at full-on arthouse film at this point.
Now Riddick has acquired one of the smaller versions of the zebra dog and he has put it in a cage to hang out while Riddick eats a delicious meal of raw eel-like meat. Riddick knows he has to get across a swamp of the vicious prehistoric crabsnake things, so we’re going to spend like another 5 minutes setting that up, OK? Riddick taunts the cobracrab thing and then fights it and wins! Go Riddick!
Wait. Now there’s another giant scary water-dwelling beastie, and this one looks like you crossed a really wet dinosaur with the alien from Alien.
Cut to Riddick wandering the land with a sledge of meat. The puppy dogzebra thing is now full-grown but it is friendly, because Riddick can soothe the savage beasts. He’s like a St. Francis of the future, or past, or alternate universe, or whatever.
OK, now we’ve found some sort of abandoned military station type thing. It has MREs for Riddick to eat, but they taste bad, and the zebrawolf does not want them either. Smart zebrawolf. Oh wait, dumb zebrawolf, because you are scared of rain. Riddick mocks you, zebrawolf, until he looks at the rain through his creepy eyes and now he knows the rain is bad.
Riddick hits an emergency beacon that seems to only call bounty hunters. This crew of bounty hunters is dressed in bounty hunter casual and they are a delightfully multicultural bunch of mercenaries. The head bounty hunter is taunting Riddick and explaining he will bring his head back in a box, and he has an actual Plexiglas box to wave around.
Here come other bounty hunters you guys! They’re much better dressed. Less desert chic, more matching armor.
Now desert chic bounty hunters seem to be disabling their own ship by removing one of the batteries because that will outwit Riddick? The armored bounty hunters are going to do this too, but Katee Sackhoff thinks it is stupid. By the way, Katee Sackhoff is here. She is hostile. She is hot.
Matchy-match armor bounty hunters are much less hostile and much more competent apparently. It has occurred to them that Riddick might set traps, but this possibility seems entirely unlikely to the scruffy guys. I am not a bounty hunter, but it doesn’t seem like it would take a big bounty hunter brain to guess that your escaped prisoner stone cold killer Rambo dude would probably try to fuck you up?
Now some of the scruffy multi-culti crew is dead. If you die in this movie, you get put in some sort of human-sized version of those shrink-wrap bags you freeze fish in.
Head of sandpeople bounty hunters, you are a fuckup. Now Katee Sackhoff gets to beat your leader up. She also gets to clunkily explain that she does not fuck guys, but she will fuck them up if they need it. This might be The Hottness in any other movie but by now I am so confused and bored I’ll probably never get it up again.
Time for scruffy McBountyHunter to ask suave bounty hunter his name and why he is here. His name is Johns, and it seems like maybe if I had watched the other movies I would understand that this is a Name of Import.
Oh hello, gratuitous but entirely welcome Katee Sackhoff naked washing up scene. (No screenshot of that for you, pervs). She is sure she is being watched and does some pointed up and down flipping of some metal blinds to indicate her suspiciousness.
Haha bounty hunters. Riddick is sitting on top of your ship stone cold watching you because you are dumb and he is not. While he’s chilling atop your ride, a whole bunch of other bounty hunters leave on flying motorcycle things that look like they were stolen from Return of the Jedi. You know Riddick is here to steal those batteries and yep, now he has stolen your ship batteries and both of your ships are grounded because we needed a giant plot hole to be able to keep this thing going. Riddick taunts all the bounty hunters, which is an opportunity for dapper bounty hunter to yell at Riddick about how he will hunt him down. Um, yeah, dude. That’s your job. That’s the entire reason you are in this movie.
Oh! I am wrong! Suave clean-cut bounty hunter, you are here because Riddick killed your son. THIS IS PROBABLY FROM A PREVIOUS MOVIE!!!! There’s some sort of calm chatty expository scene that drags on until Katee Sackhoff shoots Riddick with horse tranquilizers. Also, we have to gratuitously kill off the zebrawolf, who made a reappearance just to get killed apparently.
Riddick is in chains, but he is still menacing. Dapper bounty hunter takes another run at asking Riddick what happened to his son. This is Important. TELL THE MAN WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS KID, RIDDICK. Move this thing along. I’ve now been watching this for 100 years.
Oh, time for Riddick to come on to Katee Sackhoff so she can put him down, but in a sexxxxxyy way that indicates she might sex up Riddick later because he is Riddick, duh.
Ohmygod the rain is here! and it brings with it hundreds of those Alien ripoff serpent things. Riddick knew it all along, you guys, and they will kill you all.
Everyone stands around with big weapons in their hands, oiled arm muscles a-glistening. It’s also the time for Riddick to explain again how he is going to kill everybody and get a ship and then he is going to fuck Katee Sackhoff because she will ask him to. Riddick has hidden the stolen ship batteries somewhere far away, because if we don’t keep moving these fucking batteries around, we kind of run out of plot.
Riddick is now unchained and we are all going to look for the ship batteries. Riddick does not get any weapons, but he gets one of the Jedi flying motorcycles because the batteries are that far away. Here come 15 minutes of dark rainy fighting but Riddick has the batteries so everything will be OK.
Oh, fuck, it is only ONE of the ship batteries?? End, film. ENNNNDDDDDD. Riddick is digging a hole to get to the other battery, which also gives him a handy opportunity to explain to surviving chief bounty hunter how his son wasn’t actually a good dude and this is probably a recap of the past movies or maybe it is not but I’m well past caring.
Oh hey, did you order up some more rainy night serpent fighting, ‘cause Riddick’s got your back. Now Riddick is being left for dead by big daddy bounty hunter. All the serpent alien things are crawling after Riddick but he is going to fight them off singlehandedly but he will probably die because there are a lot of those things. OH WAIT GAME CHANGER. Here comes the bounty hunter ship! Ready to save Riddick! Sending down Katee Sackhoff to extract him so she can straddle him because that’s what she really wants, or doesn’t or something.
Riddick flies offworld, good-ish bounty hunter flies off world in different ship, everyone is happy, except for all the people who are dead.
THE END OH THANK GOD THE END.
Should you see Riddick? Not unless you have no eyes or ears. Even my lust for Katee Sackhoff, which is near-unquenchable, couldn’t make this thing tolerable.