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Happy Birthday Ted Nugent, You Are The Worst And We Hate You

Our favorite-not-favorite rocker and gun enthusiast turns 65 today! We here at Happy would like to wish Ted Nugent a most happy birthday (or should we say Merry Birthday, because December? We don’t want to get yelled at for using the wrong word here.) Since it is Mr. Nugent’s 65th birthday, we are sure that he enjoy sucking on the teat of the Nobummer gubmint and begin using government-run Medicare. We wish him nothing but the best of healthcare — you’re welcome, Ted, for using our tax dollars to subsidize your rock-n-roll lifestyle. Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we? 

Nugent is a constant favorite on our sister site, Wonkette, because of all his foolishness around wanting to arm every fetus in the nation, or something. And this is definitely the face of responsible gun ownership.
Sorry, ladies, but he is married, so you missed your chance to wake up to this every morning.

Now a gun enthusiast to the infinite degree, Ted didn’t always relish the thought of using firearms in any sort of ‘well-regulated militia.’ He doggedly dodged the draft through crafty, well-thought-out means, according to The Smoking Gun:


In a 1977 High Times interview, he claimed to have stopped bathing a month before his draft physical, adding that he showed up for the exam with pants “crusted” with urine and feces. “I was a walking, talking hunk of human poop,” recalled Nugent.

On that last part, we can all agree – Ted Nugent is a walking, talking hunk of human poop.

Since he wasn’t going to serve his country, he decided to be a rocker with such classics as Cat Scratch Fever:

And “Stranglehold,” which was featured in the 1993 classic Dazed and Confused. Go ahead and have a listen:

And of course, “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang,” which is the song we always play for our mom on her birthday.

Also, too, according to IMDB, he was a “Hot Seat Band Member” in Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, but unfortunately we cannot find any visual evidence for your sweet sweet eyeballs.

These days, Ted serves on the board of the NRA and basically wishes that all people everywhere would carry guns all over the place, because it’s not like accidental discharge of firearms have ever caused any deaths ever, and you never know when a hoody-wearing neer-do-well will be peacefully walking home and need to be stalked and subsequently killed, for freedom:


And remember when he got invited to the State of the Union just a few weeks after the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School? That showed some real class from Rep. Steve Stockman (R-TX), who is now running for Senate in Texas. Here is Mr. Nugent at the SOTU:

Seriously, no tie?!? Chump.

Dude, it is the State of the Union – BUY A FUCKING TIE. And a bunch of libruls were whining that he was even there, just because of some minor flap about Nugent kindly inviting President Obama to, “suck on my machine gun.” And he was investigated by the Secret Service for a minor misunderstanding “after he told an NRA rally that he would be ‘dead or in jail by this time next year’ if President Obama was reelected,” according to Politico.

But what birthday would be complete without a gift? May we suggest a lovely box of Ted Nugent Ammo:

Pew! Pew! Pew!

These are perfect for the 194-gun salute we are planning for Ted. Yep — we want one gun for every child in America who has died from a gun since Sandy Hook.

Happy birthday, Ted, and many more.

[The Smoking Gun / Politico]

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