Apr 25, 2019
Happy Birthday Joss Whedon, Please Accept This Gift Of Four Strong Female Leads
Joss Whedon, creator of “Twilight” (HAHA, relax, I am just kidding, he is the creator of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and some other stuff) is known for putting powerful women front and center in his wacky fantasy space horror camp magic projects. To celebrate his 50th birthday, which is today, I came up with four new strong female characters he is free to use in any medium, on any platform, from now until the end of time. These ladies are for Joss Whedon, because Joss Whedon has always been for the ladies. Think Inara, Buffy, Willow, Tara, Cordelia, Anya, Echo, Kaylee, River, Sierra, November and whoever the hell else (but not Dawn. Fuck Dawn).
1. Clytemnestrassandra, a.k.a. The Surge
This Whedon leading lady has long, straight blonde hair, full, pillowy lips, bright blue eyes, and a fondness for krav maga. She is the living human embodiment of electricity, and will short out all the appliances in her vicinity when she gets sad, scared, mad, or horny. She only gets horny around Mister Wet, who is the living human embodiment of water, but they can never be together, because one or both of them would die, isn’t that sad?
2. Psoriasita, a.k.a. The Itch
Don’t call her a bitch (she’s a Latina lesbian feminist punk rock icon of the underground revolutionary set) but do call her The Itch, because that’s what Psoriasita causes whenever she’s sad, scared, mad, or horny. Everyone in her vicinity comes down with a case of flaky skin and discomfort when she’s aroused in any way, shape, or form. Psoriasita finds peace in her music, and her punk rock shows are the only time she can really relax. No itchy attacks for her fans at concerts — unless, of course, the evil Calaminus shows up. He’s smooth, cool and refreshing, and he reduces Psoriasita to a heteronormative, submissive, self-body-shaming girly girl whenever he touches her, isn’t that sad?
3. Botulista, a.k.a. The Freeze
Botulista is a tall drink of water. She’s a long, lean, Samoan-Nigerian fighting machine who only wears pleather, because she once accidentally killed her own pet platypus and it haunts her to this day. This vegan diva has the ability to make any muscle in anyone’s body freeze up, but only when she’s sad, scared, mad, or horny. She’s hunted by a cabal of Beverly Hills-based witches who wish to harness her power to make their foreheads immoveable, rendering them wrinkle-free…forever. She’s in love with a wooden stick. It has no magical powers and isn’t imbued with any sentience. It’s just a literal wooden stick. Isn’t that sad?
4. Ellen Page
This Whedon character needs no pseudonym, uniform, or catchphrase. She is an actress who lives in California, and she is beautiful and perfect, and Joss Whedon should write every film and TV show she is in, except when Diablo Cody wants to do it. Ellen Page is a real-life Joss Whedon heroine because she is brave and pretty and spunky and a lesbian and seems very nice. Her power is to look adorable when she’s sad scared, mad, or horny, or just alive. Isn’t that wonderful?
So happy birthday, Joss Whedon! Feel free to use any of my suggestions for Strong Female Characters (especially Ellen Page, please put her in the next thing that you do, or retro-engineer her into episodes of “Buffy” using CGI or whatever). I am also available to bake you a birthday cake, but in a strong, feminist way.