Jul 24, 2017
Once Upon a Time RECAP: Happily Ever Asshole (S4:E11)
Last week on Once, in the final seconds of the episode, the moment we’d been waiting for all season finally arrived.
The Snow Queen’s wacky plan worked! She broke that mirror. (Seven years bad luck for her!) Then, glass got into the eyes of everyone in Storybrooke and promptly turned them all into a bunch of raving assholes. (Granted, a lot of them were already assholes, but this spell kind of made it like official?)
Now, Emma and Elsa are in race against time (and assholes) to defeat the Evil Snow Queen and put an end to the Shattered Sight Spell before everybody DIIIIIEEEEEES!
No pressure, right?
So put on your safety goggles and get nice and comfortable, because it is ASSHOLE TIME!
Parenting Rule 1: Throwing your kid in front of a moving car is a bad way to establish trust
Sometime around 1982 in non-fairytale land, Snow Queen visits a fraud psychic, who tells her that she is about to come in contact with a not-yet-born very special little girl named . . . Susan (?)
There is no point to this flashback, of course, except to remind the kiddies at home that you can never trust a street corner psychic . . . which is why I personally reserve all of my major questions about the future for a much more reputable source . . . the horoscope app on my cell phone.
Some time later, the Snow Queen adopts a teenage Emma. Emma, having been burned by foster families (and lesbi friends named Lily) before, is initially skeptical about this new living situation. In fact, she plans to run away from home. But then, the Snow Queen teaches Emma how to torture one of her other foster kids (a ginger, naturally . . . because we all know how the Snow Queen feels about those pesky gingers) by using Ginger Kevin’s fear of spiders against him.
“Cool, I love spiders. And I hate gingers named Kevin. I guess I’ll stay,” decides Emma, even though her foster mom, even at this early stage in the game, seems like she may be a little mentally unbalanced.
(“I’ll just make sure never to dye my hair red, and I’ll be fine,” Emma thinks to herself.)
For the next six months, things go quite well for Emma and the Snow Queen (but not, I presume, for Ginger Kevin, who is probably allergic to spiders, and dies from anaphylactic shock after being bitten by one that Snow Queen gives Emma as an early Christmas present). They go so well, in fact, that after Emma unwittingly uses her magical powers to win a toy from a crane at an amusement park (See? I knew all those cranes were totally rigged and could only be beaten using magic!), the Snow Queen reveals that she wishes to adopt her permanently.
Emma is overjoyed! Snow Queen is overjoyed . . . so overjoyed, in fact, that she pushes Emma in front of a moving vehicle.
Wait . . . WHAT???!
Apparently, Snow Queen thinks this will be a brilliant bonding experience for mother and daughter, one that will awaken Emma’s newly-minted lightning finger powers.
Could someone call Child Services, please?
Emma opts out of playing suicide games with Mommy Dearest and runs far and fast from the Snow Queen, only to encounter her 20 some odd years later at the ice cream shop in town.
Once again, it does not go well. Emma, understandably thinks the Snow Queen is super creepy (not to mention a stalker/nutjob/major ginger hater) and wants nothing to do with her. So Snow Queen does what any would-be mother would do in this situation . . .
. . . she sucks Emma’s memories away into a purple fart pebble . . . (remember those?)
Meanwhile, in present day . . .
Here an Asshole, There an Asshole, Everywhere an Asshole (Asshole)!
There are riots in the streets. Happy is beating up Grumpy. Doc is kicking the crap out of Dopey. Granny’s got her shotgun.
Inside the jail, Snow and Charming are flinging insults at one another and at Kristoff.
As for Anna’s fiance, he’s questioning his decision to marry her, as well as his haircut.
(Now, if we could just get Snow White to question hers.)
Also questioning her recent fashion choices is Regina . . .
. . . who whisks herself into full Evil Queen garb, while still locked away in her tomb, a prison of her own making . . .
Elsewhere in town, and un-impacted by the curse because they are the Dark One and no longer have a heart in their chest respectively, Rumpel and Hook quibble over the former’s plans to leave Storybrooke forever with Belle and annoying Henry, who Rump contemplates murdering just about every other season. Rump forces Hook to go find Henry.
Hook’s attempts to retrieve asshole Henry from the mayor’s office don’t go over so well . . . partly because asshole Henry has been watching too many Home Alone movies . . .
. . . and partly because it would be anticlimactic to allow Rump, Henry and Belle to leave town at this point in the season.
Henry escapes . . . that annoying little asshole!
Best Laid Plans
Upon determining that the only way to put an end to the Snow Queen’s Asshole-Making Spell is to kill her, and the only way to do that is to remove the ugly yellow ribbons around their wrists that are keeping them from using their powers, Emma and Elsa decide to free the Wicked Queen so that she can blast the ugly ribbons off both of their wrists with the sheer power of her hatred.
The good news? It works. The ugly yellow ribbons disappear.
The bad news: the Wicked Queen is now on the loose (and so is her cleavage in that dress) and heading to the jail to kick Snow White’s ass.
I smell a spectacular sword fight between two assholes!
But before we get to the fight, there’s the little pesky matter of Anna and Kristoff, who are just hanging around the jail, not being at all helpful, or sufficiently assholey for fans’ amusement. So, the Wicked Queen teleports them away to the beach where they were first found.
With them gone, the Asshole Fight between Snow White and the Wicked Queen begins and, not going to lie, its pretty friggin’ epic.
Even Prince Charming, who’s used to having ladies fight his battles for him, looks amused and more than a bit aroused . . .
Not Baby Neal though. He’s super bored of all these assholes fighting for his honor and intensely sleeps through the whole thing, thus proving that babies can be assholes too.
Out on the beach, Anna knocks Kristoff unconscious with a glass bottle because he’s being slightly cranky with her. (Way to go, Kristoff! This one’s a keeper.)
She then finds a note in the bottle from awful Gerda and runs to find Elsa and Emma to bring them the good news, leaving Kristoff alone on the beach to sleep off his concussion and asshole hangover . . .
Horrible Gerda Saves the Day from the Grave? (I refuse to believe it.)
At the ice castle, Elsa and Emma can’t quite bring themselves to murder Snow Queen. (It’s a blonde thing.)
Snow Queen sees the lack of murderous tendencies in her “sisters” as a sign of their overwhelming love for her. (Someone’s standards and self-esteem are SUPER low!) But she’s bummed that they took off the ugly yellow ribbons she gave them and threatens to make both women remember her, using two matching purple fart pebbles.
Fortunately, Anna arrives just in time with an important message from beyond the Titanic grave, courtesy of Horrible Gerda.
Apparently, the awful ginger sister whose name sounds vaguely like an intestinal disorder feels really bad about the whole “putting Snow Queen in a teacup for all eternity thing” and hopes that Anna doesn’t do the same thing to Elsa (ummm . . . too late for that?).
Gerda instructs Anna to help Elsa embrace and maintain her powers. Further, she instructs Anna and Elsa as to where to find the residents of Arendelle’s hidden memories of the two blonde and one ginger sister, so that those memories can be restored.
At first, Snow Queen thinks this is all a bunch of crap. (I mean, it is coming from Gerda, after all.) So, she tries to strangle Anna to shut her up.
But then she touches the seal of Gerda’s letter and all her good memories of her sisters come rushing back.
So, Snow Queen does what any good sister would do in this situation . . . she decides to kill herself.
Ummm . . . wait. Did I miss something here?
But before you get sad, this whole suicide thing is totally cool, because it’s going to stop everyone in Storybrooke from being an asshole . . . at least the people who weren’t already assholes. Also, Snow Queen gives Elsa and Emma their purple fart memories back so that they will remember all the “good” things about their wacky aunt, who only sometimes tried to brutally murder them and most of the time meant well by it.
(Purple fart memories are pretty . . . but boy are they smelly.)
Plus, now that Snow Queen is dead she can be reunited with her two sisters, Helga and slightly less horrible now Gerda.
Hooray . . . I think.
In which the residents of Storybrooke celebrate no longer being Assholes by smoking a lot of weed?
Back in Storybrooke, the Asshole Making Spell is broken, and it starts snowing marijuana!
Everyone stops trying to murder one another, basically because they are too high to do so. It’s quite frankly awesome. And I would personally be all for an entire season of Once dedicated to the town of Storybrooke being perpetually stoned.
Families are reunited, once they can stop laughing long enough to remember how to walk. There are lots of hugs, and a few sheepish apologies for all the assaults/attempted murders.
Elsa and Anna vow to keep their word to their mother and return to Arendelle to refresh the memories of the townspeople about their dead aunties, which probably means we won’t be seeing them around much longer . . .
Meanwhile, Kristoff is still unconscious and concussed on the beach, but the only doctor in town is probably too baked to offer him the medical attention he so desperately needs . . .
So, it’s almost a happily ever after . . .
Rumpelstiltskin . . . Still an Asshole
Back at Rumpel’s pawn shop, the Dark One is berating Captain Hook for being outsmarted by an annoying asshole twelve year old. Rump reminds Hook that, within the next 24 hours, he’s going to crush his heart and use it in his spell to break free from the control of the Dark One Sword.
“I guess that’s cool,” replies Hook, resigned to his fate. “I mean, I am thousands of years old, so I’ve led a pretty good life. Just promise me you won’t hurt Emma or the rest of her asshole friends and family in Storybrooke.”
“I won’t,” replies Rumpel. “I’m blowing this popsicle stand. The residents of Storybrooke need no longer fear my wrath. Watchers of Once Upon a Time in the real world, however . . . they are totally screwed.”
Sorry, my dearies. It looks like you can take Rumpel out of Asshole Town, but you can’t take the Asshole out of Rumpel, which, I guess, means we are all going to die.
Until next time!