This Halloween, Why Not Scare Yourself Silly Figuring Out Which Of These PSAs Is The Creepiest?

We’ve been getting our Halloween on and working on our self-scaring, like we do. A little “Friday the 13th,” a little “Nightmare on Elm Street,” a little Smokey the Bear:

Why does she seem like a serial killer? Is it supposed to be seductive? OH SWEET JESUS SHE IS SMOKEY THE BEAR.

And then Dok Zoom told us this 10-second slice of hell existed:

Jesus fuck “28 Days Later” monkey, we promise we will not do heroin. Compared to that thing, this scowly Clint Eastwood crack PSA is a walk in the park:

This one seems to have the noble goal of terrifying the wee ones into avoiding stone cold drinking poison, but instead becomes a playlist of ways your house will try to murder your children:

What exactly are these things that are discouraging us from putting things in our mouths? And why did no one explain to the ad people making the thing that the lyric:

Don’t you put it in your mouth
Until you ask someone you love

might be problematic?

And lest you think that terrifyingly weird PSAs are a thing of the distant past, we give you Canada’s idea of a good way to teach CPR:

Yes, after the shambolic zombie monsters LITERALLY scare you to death, they will know how to revive you with CPR.

Winner: That fucking monkey thing, no doubt. We’re sleeping with the lights on. Or maybe just not sleeping. Ever.

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