All hail, Sen. Ted Cruz, savior and protector of TV viewers everywhere!

lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye

Do you watch TV? Of course, you do! Which is why you should be naming your next pet/luxury yacht/child after your new hero and patron saint—Sen. Ted Cruz.

Cruz’s vigorous defense of your rights and freedoms as a TV-watching  American on the floor of the Senate yesterday is likely to bring a tear to your eye. Probably from laughter.


According to Cruz, Democrats are going to sentence the entire cast of Saturday Night Live to a FEMA internment camp gulag and guillotine Tina Fey (NOOOOOO!) if they’re allowed to prevent Wal-Mart from pouring unlimited amounts of money into political campaigns.

“[Saturday Night Live exec producer] Lorne Michaels could be put in jail under this amendment for making fun of any politician. That is extraordinary. It is breathtaking and it is dangerous,” the Texas Republican argued on the Senate floor on Tuesday.

The amendment would allow Congress to limit the political donations of American corporations. But Exxon and Monsanto and Dow Chemical don’t make very sexy victims, so Cruz has made the very natural and logical jump to “Da gub’ment iz comin’ fer yer TV!!!”

Much more relatable to the masses, don’t you think?

And it’s such an obvious conclusion! All you have to do is connect the dots from “corporate political donations” to “free speech” to “outlawing making fun of politicians” to “throwing individual executives and employees in prison for violating government regulations.”

And with so many bankers are behind bars these days, is that really such a stretch of the imagination?

But don’t go buying those bedazzled “Ted” and “Cruz” name tags for your twin gerbils just yet. Just when I was falling in love with the Lone Star State’s favorite Canadian import, he made the unforgivable sin of disagreeing with Sarah Palin in public. Oh, Ted. So tragic.

In his Senate floor tirade, Ted said:

“I grew up watching Saturday Night Live, I love Saturday Night Live. Saturday Night Live over the years, has had some of the most tremendous political satire,” the senator said. “Who can forget in 2008, Saturday Night Live’s wickedly funny characterization of the Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin?”

“It was wickedly funny and also [had] a profoundly powerful effect on people’s assessment of Gov. Palin, who’s a friend of mine, ” he added.

But we all know SNL had absolutely no effect on the 2008 election because Sarah Palin said so!

“I think SNL is egotistical if they believe that it was truly an effect on maybe the public debate about who should lead the country in the next four years.

Yes, Sarah Palin lost that election ALL ON HER OWN, thank you very much! It had nothing to do with SNL’s portrayal of Palin as an idiot and everything to do with Palin’s portrayal of Palin as an idiot, per Sarah herself.

Ted Cruz, we await your apology.

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