Gulnara Karimova, Dictator’s Daughter, Getting Dicked Around By Daddy
Gulnara Karimova, favorite daughter of boil-’em-alive Uzbekistan dictator Islam Karimov, is an interesting girl chock-full of ambition, beauty, and grace! She’s a:
- pretend fashion designer of child-slave-labor-cotton clothing;
- pretend partner of Swiss jewelry company Chopard;
- failed pop star of songs that gay men love even though gay men are tortured in her country;
- all-around evil chairwoman of charity-cum-public-relations-mill & Susan G. Komen’s best buddy, Fund Forum;
- former Uzbekistan permanent representative to the United Nations in Geneva (but resigned this summer after Swiss authorities began investigating her for money laundering allegations);
- former Ambassador of the Republic of Uzbekistan to the Kingdom of Spain;
- “most hated person in Uzbekistan” according to Wikileaked US State Department memos;
- person feared by many to be the next “president” of Uzbekistan after her Dictator Daddy, Islam Karimov, dies;
- (there’s so much more but fleghhh)
… BUT… she might not end up being daddy’s little dictatrice after all.
And MAN is she PISSED. And MAN is her FATHER PISSED. EVERYONE is PISSED, they’re torturing each other, and uh oh, there might be a power vacuum in Uzbekistan should the Dictator and his Daughter not reconcile quick-like, and you know who loves a power vacuum? That’s right! Ghost Osama Bin Laden!
It all started (well, this point could be debated) in September when Gulnara’s little sister in Paris, Lola Karimova-Tillyaeva (who unsuccessfully sued a French newspaper once for calling her a dictator’s daughter), came out of the armoire to reveal her disdain for her infamous older sister and claimed she hadn’t spoken to Gulnara in more than 12 years. Maybe she chose to speak up because Swedish and Swiss prosecutors are investigating Gularna’s associates on suspicion of both bribery and good old money laundering? Or maybe because the Gendarmes raided Gulnara’s Paris apartment as part of that investigation. Or maybe the Gendarmes politely knocked on Lola’s door also too? We’ll never know. But Lola had to go to the press and disown her sister tout de suite.
Which made Gulnara’s well-coifed head explode and in her fury, she accused her sister and her mother of…practicing sorcery.
Oh, and I forgot, she also compared her father to… Stalin. Ruh-roh!
Dictator dads have their limits, you know. So what if the mother and sister are necromancers. But, Stalin? STALIN? That was probably a bit “outside the box,” even for such a Ward Cleaver kinda dad like Islam Karimov. Gulnara’s been his favorite bad girl. He even nicknamed her GooGoosha and she even called her terrible first album GooGoosha in his honor and she has Facebook and Twitter names of RealGooGoosha. But Daddy DooDoucheka evidently didn’t approve of her unfamilial behavior.
So he did what any dictator dad would do: shut ‘er doooown.
Dad was restrained in his response since he didn’t have her boiled alive (yet). He just shut down all her TV and radio stations, making sure her beloved annual fashion extravaganza StyleUz (which translates to “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest dictatrice of all?”) couldn’t be televised. He seems to have also raided and shut down all her retail stores. And now her beloved Fund Forum is “under pressure from financial regulators.” (With uzis? I know, slow clap.)
Oh, and what did you say? She’s also tweeting about torture? Yes, she is! Not tweets like, “Whoohoo! Got to electrocute some guy’s balls today!” No. She’s complaining about her very own bodyguards being tortured. She’s posting doctor’s notes about the dear tortured ones. And she’s blaming her dad’s Lead Henchman of Security (and coincidentally in her mind, a rival for her presidency), Rustam Inoyatov, of “masterminding the hostility against her.” She’s also whimpering about still trying to recover from an attempt on her precious life via mercury poisoning.
This is from the woman who has allegedly used her own and her father’s money, power and henchmen, to deploy a frothy mixture of lawsuits, intimidation, torture, death and imprisonment against anybody she didn’t like, including her Afghan-American ex husband and some unlucky boyfriend.
Pardon me while I fall into a boiling cauldron of irony.
With this unfortunate falling out between daddy and his little girl, will she now have to abandon her childhood name of GooGoosha and rename her adorable album or her Facebook and Twitter accounts? What a pain! Being disowned is so annoying for the modern-day digital girl!
Oh, right, and there are a few teeny tiny geopolitical concerns if the dictator dies without a clear transition in place, which, per this Daily Mail story (full disclosure: it is a STORY FROM THE DAILY MAIL) seems likely, what with the face-slapping and ashtray-hurling and all-around “Dallas” antics.
You know, but with actual torture.