Guess Who’s Coming to Dancing With The Stars?

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Maybe you used to be someone and then had a nose-job and nobody recognized you? Or you got caught up in a scandal and did time? Or your mom got the silver medal in the vice presidential race, but you don’t have any particular talent except for getting pregnant more than once while preaching abstinence? Did you used to be good at some sport? Were you ever on a Wheaties box? Do you have two legs—no scratch that! You can use prosthetics!

If you vaguely fit into one or more of the above categories, you can be a star on Dancing with the Stars and once again, or for the first time ever, win over America because you have pluck! Then again, chances are you’ve already been on DWTS because it’s been on forever or maybe only ten years but if feels like forever what with having two seasons a year.

Guess who’s coming to Dancing with the Stars for its 21st season?

 

"Donald Trump told me it was okay to say those things now."

“I figured if people were okay with Donald Trump saying all those things, it was high time for my comeback.”

None other than Miss Southern Hospitality herself, Miss Paula Deen. Which is amazing given that she has the sugar diabetes from eating her own cooking and may not have all her toes.

What has she done to merit this honor? Paula Deen is a white lady of a certain age—that age would be old—who owns a restaurant and had a cooking show where everything was made with plenty of sugar and butter and egg yolks and then fried with bacon.

Did she get booted off the air for being a national health hazard? No, she did not! She got canned for saying the n-word, which she apparently didn’t know wasn’t okay as long as you didn’t say it to them or “in a mean way.” Then she apologized profusely, many times, in many places with teary eyes and promises to do better. But more stuff came out like the way she stole her recipes from the African-American chefs she asked to dress up like Aunt Jemima and paid $10 an hour to do so.

Pretty, pretty please partner her with Keo Motsepe.

Pretty, pretty please partner her with dancing pro Keo Motsepe.

What’s she been doing during her hiatus (which is what they call it after you get canned in the television business)? She’s been busy buying up the digital rights to her shows and launching her own internet network. Plus, she’s just written a new cookbook. But she still has time to keep up with her fans. Here’s something she tweeted last month:

"What, he's supposed to be Hispanic, not negro!"

“What, he’s supposed to be Hispanic, not negro!”

That’s her in the red wig with her son, who is also a “celebrity” chef, if by “celebrity” you mean someone with a famous mom. She deleted that tweet quickly, maybe because a lot of people were creeped out by the mother/adult son cosplay. Then she fired whomever was supposed to stop her from doing stuff like that.

She should fit right in at DWTS! You know what other disgraced television personality is just itching for a comeback and would also be a great draw? We’re campaigning for this guy!

"No, thanks. I already won the first three seasons of Dancing With the Stars."

“No, thanks. I already won the first three seasons of Dancing With the Stars.”

Marion Stein

Marion writes television recaps and reviews for the Agony Booth, and books you can find over at Amazon.

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