Green Lantern (2011), a recap (part 5 of 9)

Welcome back to my latest patron-only recap! The full article is available to those who pledge at least $1/month on the Agony Booth’s Patreon page.

Previously: After beating up a former coworker or two or three, Hal got yanked to the planet Oa, where he received a brain-dump from Tomar-Re about the Guardians and the Green Lantern Corps and got to witness Sinestro give a half-hearted pep rally speech. Meanwhile, Hector Hammond was infected by what might have been Parallax’s jizz.

After the speech, Tomar is explaining the power rings to Hal, while using his to make a crazy, three-dimensional geometric shape hover in the air. He wants Hal to do the same, but Hal can only create a messy cloud of loops that doesn’t hold together for long. His ring beeps, and Tomar tells him this is the ring warning him of “an imminent threat”.

All I know is I’m hungry for Spaghetti-Os now.

And despite two different warnings, Hal is totally taken off-guard when he gets hit by an energy beam from Kilowog, a warthog-like Lantern voiced by Michael Clarke Duncan in his last film role released prior to his death. As in the comics, Kilowog is here to break in the new recruits, and be Hal’s “combat training guard”. Kilowog goes all drill sergeant on Hal, calling him a “poozer”—I don’t know what that is, but I totally agree—and welcomes him to “Ring Slinging 101”. Kilowog says this is the first time he’s seen a human, and he tells Hal, “You smell funny,” but we can see from Hal’s face that it is indeed Kilowog who smells bad, yuk yuk.

“You were in RIPD, and I’M the one who stinks?”

The crunching guitars start up again as we cut to Hal and Kilowog alone on a platform somewhere, ready to face off. Kilowog puts Hal’s feet in green shackles, then drops some big green boulders on him, so Hal forms a… big green table to catch the boulders. Kilowog hurls heavy green discs that cut the legs out from under Hal’s table and knock him to the ground.

What? It’s a boulder-catching table. You’re telling me you don’t have one?

Kilowog announces, “Next lesson,” and forms a giant green star—like an actual gaseous ball of heat—that pulls Hal in, and Hal has to create a rope and anchor to keep from being vaporized. Kilowog says this is the gravitational pull of a real sun, and “Gravity’s a bitch.” He makes his sun disappear, which drops Hal on the ground again. Kilowog offers a hand to help him up, then uses his other hand to punch Hal in the face, warning him that “your enemy, he’s not gonna play fair.” Hal responds by creating a giant green boot to kick Kilowog in the nuts, and putting a green chain and shackle around Kilowog’s head and flipping him over on his back.

Damn, Hal, you’re pretty kinky.

Hal gloats, just as Sinestro shows up to get a good look at the “human”. He thinks Abin Sur’s ring choosing Hal was a “mistake”. He dismisses Kilowog and takes over the training, warning Hal that he’ll tolerate no weakness or fear.

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Multi-Part Article: Green Lantern (2011), a recap

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