The Greatest American Hero “The Hit Car” (part 9 of 9)

It turns out, though, that Bill was paying attention enough to know that the high school is on spring break, but not enough to have noticed the whole thing about the play going on in the interim. So he thinks the school is empty, when in fact it’s full of Ralph’s sweathogs and their anonymous set-decorating parents. Oops.

They walk into the auditorium and—hahaha, Ralph’s students are all dressed like cartoon character versions of Shakespeare characters. It’s like The Taming of the Shrew as performed by Spongebob Squarepants and company.

Tony’s outfit is especially hilarious: puffy Foot Locker-striped tunic, black velvet gym shorts, white tights, knee-high black boots, a huge shapeless bag masquerading as a hat, and (I think) Stunt Ralph’s wig. He looks like Little Orphan Fauntleroy.

Caption contributed by Mark

”The Ren Faire guys said you had to go as your favorite character, so I picked Christina Aguilera.”

Bill is aghast at the presence of all these people. He mutters, “What are you trying to do to me?” as if Ralph had maliciously conjured up all these potential victims just to foil Bill’s plans. Maybe that’s one of his darker superhero abilities.

Bill steps forward, and is in the process of incoherently announcing to the sweathogs and their sweatparents that they have a “condition red” (Tony is just laughing at him), when the hit car pulls up and starts shooting at them. From, you know, outside. Because it’s a car. Cars aren’t usually invited indoors. Hit Car Conceptual Flaw #… damn, what are we up to? Oh, let’s say a million.

As the collateral-damage-in-waiting all dive for cover, Bill and Ralph hustle out the back door of the auditorium, and along the way proceed to have an entire conversation without moving their lips.

Overdub Bill: Somebody call the cops!
Overdub Ralph: What have you done to me, Bill?
Overdub Bill: Find someplace to get changed!
Overdub Ralph: This is a school, Bill, this is where I teach! This really stinks!

Wow, wouldn’t it be surreal if they did the whole show like this? Bill and Ralph could run around without moving their mouths and all their dialogue could be dubbed in later! It’d be like Look Who’s Talking, only with superheroes instead of babies. Or if they blink once a minute, it could be like Superfriends.

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Mark "Scooter" Wilson

Mark is a history guy, a graphics guy, a guy for whom wryly cynical assessments of popular culture are the scallion cream cheese on the toasted everything bagel of life. He spends his time teaching modern history at Brooklyn College, pondering the ancient Romans at the CUNY Graduate Center, and conjuring maps and illustrations for ungrateful bankers at various Manhattan monoliths. Readers are welcome to guess at reasons why he's nicknamed Scooter, with the proviso that all such submissions are guaranteed to be rather more interesting than the truth. Mark lives in the Midwood section of Brooklyn with a happy-go-lucky, flop-eared dog named Chiyo who is probably, at this very moment, waiting patiently for her walkies.

Multi-Part Article: The Greatest American Hero "The Hit Car"
TV Show: The Greatest American Hero

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