May 23, 2006
The Greatest American Hero “Here's Looking at You, Kid” (part 4 of 6)
Meanwhile, out in the desert, Bill is coaching Ralph on his mad telekinesis skillz. He moves to attack Ralph, and tells Ralph to stop him with a mental push. But when Ralph puts on his concentrating face and tries to push, he instead disappears. Okay, that’s really not the same thing at all.
Ralph is freaking out, because he can’t even see himself, and doesn’t know how to come back. He starts ranting (in voiceover), “It’s like being dead, Bill! It feels like I don’t exist!” He paces, which is cleverly simulated by magically appearing footprints.
Bill tells him to be calm. Because “pushing” caused him to disappear, Bill urges him to try “pushing twice” to reappear. See, this is why I would have made a sucky hardboiled FBI sidekick, because I was thinking the opposite of “pushing” would be, you know, pulling. But with the way this suit works, “pulling” probably causes your nipples to emit death lasers or some crazy shit like that.
Now we get, I kid you not, the crappiest split screen I’ve ever seen, and I’ve watched The Patty Duke Show. There’s actually a dirty gray stripe running down the screen between Bill and where Ralph starts to reappear. You remember last time, when I was talking about Pumaman being the real inspiration for this show? We’re now at the point where GAH, effects-wise, sucks slightly worse than Pumaman. And that’s saying something.
Anyway, Ralph’s reappearance only gets as far as his feet, and then he’s gone again. Loser.
Meanwhile, it’s finally dawning on Bill, after he feels up Invisible Ralph [?], that this power will work for them in their present predicament just as well as the telekinesis. Bill and Invisible Ralph get in the car and drive off to steal the Supervoltimeter, while ADR Ralph grouses the whole way into town about the can’t-see-himself thing, and how it’ll mean he can’t go to court (huh? oh yeah, his divorce proceedings from the pilot), and that he’ll probably lose custody of his Son That’s Slowly Being Erased From the Timeline and Soon Will Never Have Existed.