GOP Reveals New New Extra New Plan to ‘Empower’ Women By Telling Them They Are Stupid

GOP Reveals New New Extra New Plan to 'Empower' Women By Telling Them They Are Stupid

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Republicans have a new plan to woo the lady voters, and it’s new! And a plan! And unlike all the other new plans they’ve been trying, this one is totally going to work. (Spoiler: It is not going to work.)


As Democrats fired up the “war on women” campaign again this week, a top ranking woman in the Republican-majority House tested the GOP message to battle the allegation in the midterm election campaign.

“We are starting to hear this drumbeat again from the Democrats suggesting that the Republicans are waging a war on women,” Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-Wash.) said in a speech Friday afternoon to the Republican National Committee “Taking Back the Future” conference at a Washington, D.C. hotel. “As you all know, there’s no truth to it.”

It’s sort of impressive how much wrong Cathy can squeeze into one sentence, which is probably why she’s done so well for herself in her party, but A) women do not actually need the Democratic Party to suggest to them that there is a Republican war on women because, despite being women with little itty bitty ladybrains, WE ALREADY FIGURED THAT ONE OUT ALL ON OUR OWN BEFORE THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY CAUGHT ON, JESUS CHRIST!, and B) there is SO much goddamned truth to it, Cathy, that if you piled up all the truth, it would wrap around the Earth 2,152 times, and if we could harness the power of all the truth to it, we’d solve all of our energy problems forever, JESUS CHRIST AGAIN SOME MORE!

So how is Cathy going to Take Back the Future? With sweet pillow talk, of course.

“We need to make sure everyone in this country understands, the Republican vision is one that is about is about empowering you, the belief that you will make better decisions for yourself…than the federal government ever will,” she said. […]

“Why would smart, independent women, who have worked so hard to achieve new levels and leadership in every field… want to return to that kind of a government?” McMorris Rodgers asked.

I don’t know about you, but just being told that I am apparently not smart or independent or else I would be voting Republican, WOULDN’T I, HUH?, sure makes me feel empowered. Although she does make one good point, obviously by accident: I’m pretty sure I will make better decisions for myself than the federal government will, which is why I oppose the Republican agenda to, ahem, EMPOWER the government to make my health care decisions for me. (See what I did there? Maybe I’m smart after all.)

Cathy isn’t the only one trying out this “new” tactic of telling women they are oh-so-stupid for thinking there is a war on women. Professional failure Carly Fiorina recently launched Get Them Womens 2.0 Squared, which she is calling the Unlocking Potential (UP) Project. UP is totally different from all the other attempts to Get Them Womens we’ve seen in the last two years, because it is “modern.” Modern like it will promote a message that is not from the 14th century? Don’t be silly. It is “modern” because Fiorina is “using technology to train our messengers and broaden our messages.” Ah ha! Technology. That is modern. What kind of modern technology, you ask with bemusement because you weren’t born yesterday and you know that “modern” and “technology” are not typical Republican values? Why, a fortune cookie, and no I am not kidding you.


Fiorina then pulled out a fortune she said she’d received recently in a fortune cookie.
“‘Strong and bitter words indicate a weak cause,’” Fiorina read. “And that’s exactly right. The War on Women is shameless, baseless propaganda. There’s no fact to it. But it’s worked because it’s scared women to death. Enough.”

Carly’s plan is to recruit a whole bunch of women — with technology! — to tell other women that there that they are SOOOO stupid if they think there is a war on women, because there is no war on women, DUH, and if women really cared about the things Carly thinks women should really care about, they would vote Republican, OBVIOUSLY, so they too can can drive a major corporation like Hewlett Packard practically into the ground but walk away with a mighty fine golden parachute and then get her ass kicked backwards and sideways in a Senate race in which she humiliated herself more than is even scientifically possible by saying any number of stupid things and also releasing her infamous Demon Sheep ad. Isn’t that every woman’s dream?

The renewal of the renewed plan the Republicans are renewing to tell women how fucking stupid they are if they actually think Republicans don’t have their best interests at heart includes this interesting new tactic, which — sorry, there is no delicate way to put this — is the stupidest fucking thing I have read since the last time I read something stupid, which was about five minutes ago because I read about Republicans a lot, actually, but still, this is especially fucking stupid, JESUS CHRIST EVEN MORE.

“The war on women stuff is something that worked last cycle,” said Kirsten Kukowski, a spokeswoman for the Republican National Committee. “Last time around there were a lot of false narratives that were created.” […]
Kukowski dismissed the narrative that Republicans were trying to ban contraception.

“Hobby Lobby is still providing contraception, 16 different kinds of contraception,” she said. “We have to be out there talking to voters and being able to fight back against that narrative instead of allowing that narrative to be shaped for us.”

You know what doesn’t seem very smart and independent to me? Trying to derpsplain and defend Hobby Lobby and its restriction of women’s health care coverage, when basically every single woman in America uses, or has used, birth control and would prefer to leave their employers out of that whole discussion, thanks; the Republican legislative attempt to protect employers from their sad feels about lady health care was a super unpopular FAIL; and that shrieking you hear is the sound of uteruses across America screaming GET THE FUCK OUT, MOTHERFUCKER! because no, actually, women are none too thrilled about these weird newly discovered constitutional rights of employers, churches, and obnoxious protesters to get all up in our vaginas, JESUS CHRIST MORE AGAIN SO MUCH I CAN’T EVEN.

In 2012, Republicans had a hell of a time figuring out how to respond to the pretty much daily accusations that were waging a war on women, based on how they were pretty much daily waging a war on women. There is no war, they said. Okay, there is a war, but Democrats started it. No, actually, there is no war, that is silly, it is like saying there is a war on caterpillars, which is silly. (Agreed.) But Obama is the REAL SEXIST, if there is a war on women, which there isn’t. The real problem is that men just understand the issues better than “other people” (that’s Republican for “women,” I guess). They said Democrats were obsessed with health care, but what women really care about, ACTUALLY, is the economy and paychecks. (It is too bad that after the election, when Republicans had the opportunity to support the Paycheck Fairness Act, which is about the economy and paychecks, and maybe proffer the tiniest shred of evidence that they are not anti-woman ALL the time, Republicans were like “Oh, hells no!” and insisted women don’t care about the economy and paychecks after all because they are too “extremely busy”, and also, fair pay will just lead to stupid lawsuits, and Republicans hate stupid lawsuits, EXCEPT FOR WHEN THEY DON’T.)


As we all know, women handed Republicans a double-digit ass-kicking, and the party embarked on a journey of pretending to embark on a journey of “soul searching” to figure out why telling women how stupid they are for caring about the wrong things was not a winning strategy. They had meetings and workshops and retreats. They announced really groovy new outreach programs with groovy slogans and websites. Some industrious types even started consulting groups to teach Republican candidates how to not say stupid shit about rape. (Step 1: Don’t say stupid shit about rape. Step 2: See step 1. Step 3: Tattoo step 1 on your dick so you will not forget, JESUS CHRIST.)

Despite two years and lots of head-scratching, Republicans still haven’t managed to come up with a better response to the war on women than “nuh uh, stupids.” And they’re still insisting that women wouldn’t even care about laws and policies that affect women if Obummer had not PERSONALLY coined the phrase “war on women” and PERSONALLY shoved it down the throats of every stupid American woman like it’s gay marriage or something. (Here’s a fun fact for those of you kinky types who are into facts: Although some of us, AHEM, were describing the coordinated and escalated assaults on women’s rights as a “war on women” long before the 2012 election, the White House (and most of the party) refused to say “Yes, there is a war on women.” I know, because I asked. It wasn’t until around the middle of the 2012 election when it occurred to the Democratic Party that gosh, lady voters sure seem upset about this whole war on women thing, and what with women making up the majority of the country, and the majority of the Democratic Party, maybe talking about it instead of trying to dance around it would be a good electoral strategy. And surprise! It was. By double digits. Who knew?)

It seems pretty obvious that Republicans, despite all their soul-searching, haven’t learned a goddamned thing since the last election. They still sincerely believe that if they just keep telling women how stupid they are for caring about the things women care about, eventually women will come around to not caring about anything and vote GOP because everything is meaningless. There’s no evidence it will work, but since Republicans don’t care about evidence — it tends to have a liberal bias, you know — they will keep rinse repeating their “nuh uh, stupids” line because maybe it will work eventually, like how if they vote to repeal Obamacare enough times, maybe it will magically disappear.

I realize I am not Smart And Independent and the drumbeat against Republicans and their war on women is totally my jam, but I’m thinking this new new new new new plan is going to work as well as the others, which is to say, not at all. I dunno. I’m not an expert. Or a scientist. Maybe I’m wrong. I’ve only been paying attention to Republican assaults on my rights since I was about 10 and was totally disgusted when then-vice presidential nominee Dan Quayle said he’d force a raped teenager to carry a pregnancy to term because blah blah blah something, so what do I know? Maybe I’m as not smart and not independent as they say I am, and women are going to to heart the Republican Party so hard once they get hear this new modern message. But on the other hand, I’ve got a fortune cookie right here that says NOT GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SO MANY TIMES. So there’s that.


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