Mar 21, 2018
Godzilla (1998) (part 7 of 10)
Over near the Command Center, the Frenchies are still watching the Army through binoculars from their hotel room, and one Frenchy wonders about all the commotion down there. He then steals a piece of bacon off of Jean Reno’s plate, which leads to a dull, unamusing bit that you definitely do not want to know about. Trust me.
Anyway, they go back to eavesdropping on Mayor Ebert, who’s in a conference room hearing the Colonel’s plans to trap the big lizard in Central Park. The Mayor wonders if this is a good idea, since last time, they “didn’t even scratch him!” The Colonel says that’s not true, since Nick got a blood sample. Here, when he refers to Nick, he at first says “the worm guy”, but then corrects himself and actually pronounces Nick’s name correctly. Wow! That’s character development! When you’re Roland Emmerich, anyway.
The Colonel explains that all they need to do is get the creature into an open area and use weapons that don’t rely on heat seeking technology. Nick interrupts, explaining that the creature is “either about to lay eggs or already has!” Some guy in a suit asks if this means there’s another creature out there. Nick says there isn’t, and addresses this guy as “Governor”, so I guess things are slowly working their way up the command chain. Who knows, maybe if enough of the largest city in the United States is destroyed, someone might even wake the President.
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The Mayor hears that Godzilla conceived all by itself and asks if it’s “the Virgin Lizard”. Everyone chuckles like this is a fabulous joke, and not a Catholic slur on the part of a big-city mayor. Anyway, what this is setting up is that, for no apparent reason, everyone but Nick thinks the idea of Godzilla laying eggs is totally preposterous. I mean, a skyscraper-sized lizard is one thing, but a skyscraper-sized lizard that can lay eggs? Puh-lease!
Anyway, Nick says they need to find the nest immediately, or else they could be looking at “an enormous population!” He suggests that the eggs are about to hatch, and Dr. Sneezy asks how he could possibly know that, so Nick finally explains those earlier shots of dead fish in the subway tunnels. He says that Godzilla is actually collecting food in order to “feed his young!”
Everyone absorbs this information, and the Mayor eats more candy. Ha ha! The fat guy wants food! Hilarious! Then it’s back to Frenchieville. Jean Reno heard Nick’s speech and wants info on him, so one French guy comes over with a folder. He has trouble pronouncing Nick’s name, and then decides to just call him “the worm guy”. Since he’s speaking in French, we see all of this in subtitles, rendering it extra funny.
Anyway, Jean Reno looks over the file they happen to have on Nick, complete with a headshot [?]. We then cut to a crowded bar, and on TV, LA sports reporter, I mean, “WIDF news anchor” Rob Fukazaki is again reporting on the Godzilla situation.
Audrey pushes her way into the bar and meets up with the rest of the WIDF crew, where she learns from Animal that her “spot” is coming up next. In another Soundtrack Promotion Moment, the Wallflowers’ cover of David Bowie’s “Heroes” is playing in the background. Animal yells to no one in particular, “Yo! Can you turn it up please, the TV?”
We then cut to the Colonel butting heads with some Military Brass Guy in full Colin Powell Joint Chiefs of Staff-style regalia. The Colonel is trying to back Nick up on the nesting idea, and he pronounces Nick’s name correctly again. Wow! Military Brass Guy doesn’t care for Nick’s “wild theory”, but the Colonel insists that Nick’s “come through for us before.” Uh, at which point did he come through for you, exactly?
Suddenly, the Governor indicates a news report about to start. It’s all about where Godzilla came from, so it opens with a graphic reading “The Origin of the Species”. Yeah, a Darwin reference on the local news, that could happen. Of course, the TV’s on WIDF, and of course, this is supposed to be the spot that Audrey produced herself.
The spot opens with Old Japanese Guy yelling “Gojira! Gojira!” But, “amusingly”, it cuts to Charles Caiman, who’s edited himself into the spot right over Audrey. Caiman tells us, “Godzilla! That’s what Japanese sailors called him in song! A mythological sea dragon who filled their hearts with fear!”
We cut back to the bar, where Audrey has, what’s the word? Oh yeah, “freaked out”. She screams that Caiman “stole my report”, then yells at the screen that “it’s Gojira, you moron!” Yuk, yuk. Also, I notice they’ve completely shut off the music in the bar. I guess when Animal talks, people listen.
Caiman introduces a graphic showing Godzilla’s path from French Polynesia through Panama and Jamaica to Manhattan. Forgetting for a moment that the arrows are pointing in the wrong direction, that’s an odd path to take. Along with the graphic, there’s also weird beeping and blooping noises as a radiation logo appears near French Polynesia with the words “French Nuke Testing”.
Caiman then notes that Godzilla may be “nesting”, and cites his source as “Nick Papadopolous”. See, it’s another mispronunciation of Nick’s name. Oh, my sides! As he says this, WIDF shows footage of Nick hanging out in the giant footprint, and they even put a big circle around him to point him out in the picture. We cut to Nick looking stunned, and suddenly every single person in the room, from the Joint Chiefs to the Governor to the Mayor is staring directly at him.
Everybody goes agro on Nick, wanting to know why he went to the press and gave them the videotape. He insists he didn’t, and suddenly it clicks in his mind that Audrey stole it. Military Brass Guy leans forward and immediately tells Nick that his services are no longer needed. Actually, he tells Nick that he’s “officially off this project”. I’m sorry, but building a tool shed is a “project”. Trying to kill a giant mutant lizard is probably a few steps more involved than that.
The Colonel, despite being able to pronounce Nick’s name correctly, just turns away from him in disgust. With no allies left, Nick quickly exits. We then cut to the Frenchies watching Caiman’s report, and they zero in on the stuff about the creature possibly having laid eggs. Jean Reno decides it’s time to move out.
NewsRadio Chick runs into Nick’s tent as he’s packing up. Before leaving, Nick tells NRC to make sure somebody named “Hicks” finds Godzilla’s nest. Don’t know who that is. She sadly watches him go. Sorry NRC, but this one isn’t going to be another notch on your bedpost.
Nick goes to a taxi, and just happens to pass a phone booth where Audrey is desperately trying to get in touch with him. Yes, a phone booth. And, oh yeah, it’s raining again.
She runs to his taxi to try to talk to him, but she only gets a Trisha Rawlings-style Icy Stare in response. “Is it ’cause of me?” Audrey asks. “‘Cause of the story?” Well, they always say journalists tend to be very perceptive people, but now I believe it. Nick chews her out for betraying his trust, even though they haven’t talked in eight friggin’ years. Audrey finally confesses that she’s not really a reporter, and that she never really “made it”, which is “why I needed the story so bad!”
Nick coldly blows off her apology. “Good luck with your new career,” he says. “I really think you have what it takes!” Ouch! Twist the knife, why don’t you? Nick gets in the cab and tells the driver to take him to the airport. The taxi pulls off and Audrey starts crying, but once again, the rain has obscured yet another important detail, in this case, the tears on her face. Gotta tell you, love all the high drama stuff, but when do we get back to Godzilla destroying things?
Animal has witnessed all of this, so he runs out to Nick’s taxi and attempts to flag him down [??]. Naturally, this doesn’t work, so he gets in his van and follows Nick [??]. Inside the taxi, Nick sees a sign that says “Airport” with an arrow pointed to the left. The taxi, however, goes to the right.
Nick freaks out as the taxi heads for the docks. Nick knocks on the glass partition, and suddenly the driver locks all the doors. Nick tells the driver to let him out, so the driver stops the cab and turns around, and he just happens to be Jean Reno. Nick recognizes him as “the insurance guy” that he ran into down in Jamaica, and Jean finally introduces himself as “Agent Philippe Roache, D.G.S.E.!”
According to the closed captions, that’s the Direction Générale des Securité Extérieure. Thank God for closed captions. Nick quips, “Sounds big.” We eventually find out from Philippe that this is the “French Secret Service”. Philippe says he knows the Army’s not going to try to find Godzilla’s nest, and Nick asks how Philippe knows all this. Philippe says to trust him, because unlike the Army, he really wants to find the nest, too.
They pull into some random warehouse, and we see that Animal has continued to follow them for no apparent reason. In the warehouse, Frenchies are loading up weapons and ammunition, and Nick wonders how the Frenchies got all this into the country. Philippe happily tells him, “This is America! We can buy anything!” You know you’re in trouble when a movie is recycling Yakov Smirnoff’s material.
Nick wants to know why they’re not working with the US military, but Philippe brushes off the question, sp00k-like. Nick insists, so Philippe says he wants to protect his country from “mistakes that we don’t want the world to know about”, specifically, the consequences of nuclear testing in the Pacific. According to Philippe, they’re here to clean up those messes. Because, after all, there’s still time. I don’t think anyone’s found about that big skyscraper-sized lizard yet. Kudos, gang.
Outside, Animal climbs a ladder and peers in through a window of the warehouse. He hears Philippe explain that they don’t know where to start looking for the nest, so Nick points them in the direction of the subway station where he and the Army first saw all the dead fish.
Philippe says they’re heading there tonight, and wants to know if Nick’s coming along. Nick says, “I’m in!” and Philippe says, “Très bien!” and immediately starts laughing in that loud, obnoxious way that only foreigners can get away with. Nick quips that he “always wanted to join the French Foreign Legion.” Well, that’s nice to know, but what does it have to do with anything?
Meanwhile, Animal runs back home and finds his house packed with people he’s never met. He finds his wife Lucy in the kitchen and asks who all the people are. According to her, it’s people that were going to “sleep on the street”, but she felt sorry for them and let them in. [?]
Animal asks where Audrey is, and Lucy says she’s in the bedroom crying, and says it’s all because of that “nice guys finish last” stuff he filled her head with. Animal yells “Get outta here!” And fuggetaboutit, too! He heads back into the bedroom, passing a guy who looks so much like George Carlin that many are convinced he actually did have a cameo in this movie.
In the bedroom, Audrey is crying and watching Military Brass Guy give a press conference criticizing the WIDF report. He then claims that there are no eggs in the city. This just makes Audrey cry harder and let out an annoying squeak. As Animal walks in, Military Brass Guy insists that “There’s no reason to panic!” Um, if a skyscraper-sized lizard stalking through Manhattan isn’t a reason to panic, I don’t know what is.
Animal tries to talk some sense into Audrey, but she keeps crying and squeaking. She says this totally messes things up with Nick, “the only man who will ever care about me!” Uh, Audrey? There’s a giant lizard destroying New York. Maybe now is not the time to air your relationship woes.
Animal says she has a chance to make everything right with Nick, and describes what he saw in the warehouse, what with the “French whackos” that want to sneak back into the city that night to find the nest. He goes to his closet and slips on a TV cameraman’s standard-issue backwards baseball cap, and declares that the two of them can follow the Frenchies back into the city. That way, Audrey can be the first one to report on the existence of the nest.
Audrey is hesitant, so Animal says he’s going with or without her. Then he opens a window to climb out [?]. “Can’t let Lucy know!” he explains. “She’ll hurt me!” Ha ha.