Girls Season Three Finale: Crap Breakup From A Dude

Girls rule, Adam is a piece of shit!

Girls rule, Adam is a piece of shit!

Oh, Adam. For a while there, we thought maybe the Slatepitches were right, and we were wrong, and you were Lena Dunham’s “person,” gross, vomit, as you became capable of saying you loved someone, and getting a job that wasn’t asking your grandma for money, and being less ugly. Then last week happened, and as Hannah became shockingly self-destructive and bitter with the job-quitting and the your-Broadway-friends-alienating, and as Marnie became an object of interest for being surprisingly good at something (but still a Charlotte), and as the others did whatever the fuck the others were doing, good ol’ Adam reverted to psychologically abusive and sociopathically selfish type by actually moving out of the apartment they shared the second Hannah started to worry fame would make him leave her, and with the most glaringly bullshit reason of having to concentrate on his terrible fucking accent.

So Hannah did what anyone would do, and smeared on a six-year-old’s idea of glamour eyeliner and passive-aggressively announced her great news that she would be moving the fuck to Iowa, minutes before the curtain rose on Terrible Cockney Major Barbara Opening Night.

Heh heh. Way to be a bitch, Lena Dunham! I mean, not as crazy bitch as last week, with the extremely shitty coworker-shittings-on and restaurant lemonface, but rather a perfect amount of who, little old me?

And thus did Adam have the perfect excuse to be the victim and break off the relationship, which he’d had an eye to doing the second he got a Broadway role on his very first audition — as psychicked up by bitter and boozy and wonderful Patti LuPone.

And just like that, Hannah was free, and I will never have to worry and wonder again whether smart and self-aware Lena Dunham honestly didn’t know that Adam was a human tire fire.

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