Girls: The Problem With Adam Is That He’s The Worst
At the end of the last season of Girls, Hannah (Lena Dunham, duh) had a (pantsless) breakdown, and Adam — dead-eyed, skinny, moptopped, Adams-appled Adam — ran to her. He picked her up like a Fabio paperback cover — her hero. I was dismayed. Surely Lena Dunham understands Adam is not actually a prize, he is in fact an abusive piece of shit? Honey, you know that right???
She might, but Hannah doesn’t, or didn’t, though she might be on her way to getting an inkling, and that’s what’s wonderful about Lena Dunham. She’s so fucking smart about how idiotic even very smart girls are. But that end to the season played like a happy ending, straight romance, and I wanted to vomit my face off.
We have all been idiot 24-year-olds, unless you are on your way to becoming one. And we’ve been idiot 30-year-olds, and dumb fucking 39-year-olds. And some of us choose these grotesque abusive pieces of shit, and hopefully get over it — and then watch in horror as random 25-year-olds on the Internet moon about how they’re each other’s people.
I would be a really shitty journalist if I didn’t ask you how your boyfriend reminds you of Adam, who is currently the craziest person on television.
He’s also so sweet! He’s just like a sweet weirdo. He cares so much about her. He’s just her person, yunno. Especially when he says stuff about if you wake up and don’t know the person, it’s not right. I think they really know each other, and I think that’s so sweet. They’re both so strange, but they’re so good together.
Really? I was wondering about that. Do you think that Hannah and Adam strike your peer group as a good couple, like a Ross and Rachel? Is this the couple of the generation?
They’re much more realistic than Ross and Rachel. That’s sort of like a TV romance. I find them so believable. I feel like they’re real people — i that they’re not like the cute girl and the cute guy. They’re the really weird guy and the girl who really likes him. They also really love each other. They appreciate that they’re not the perfect guy and the perfect girl. They’re both sort of weird and flawed, and they like that about each other. Whereas Marnie and Charlie — he seemed great and she liked him a lot, but ultimately there wasn’t much there. I get their relationship and I root for it.
PERSON ON THE INTERNET! He is not her people! He’s a slobby lazy jerkoff possible sociopath who doesn’t want anyone until he can’t have her any more. Most importantly, he is AWFUL IN BED.
Much of the premiere episode of Girls’ season three was given over to scenes we didn’t care about (anything with Marnie is automatically didn’t-care; she’s the Charlotte, without the engaging smile, other-orientedness or charm; even Jessa’s bitch-in-rehab plotline was snoozy; Shoshanna, while a dip, seems to have been ctrl-c’ed wholesale from one of our own college roommates and therefore may stay). The greatness of the show last night was in Hannah and Adam — and Jesus no, not in a “let’s watch these two perfect lovebirds smear their love on everything” kind of way, but in a horror movie way. GIRL GET OUT ADAM’S BASEMENT. He’s a selfish dick! He tells women he loves them then peaces out! His contribution to the rent is what he can get from Grandma, because “jobs” aren’t how he does things! He whines and bitches about having to see her friends, because why should she have any friends anyway when the first rule of abuse is she should be isolated from them and her family?
PERSON ON THE INTERNET WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Here, let’s ask Natalia, fucked and dumped by Adam, what she thinks of the happy couple:
“You’re gonna end up with a baby that you don’t know how to care for, you are gonna kill that kid, you’re gonna give it spoiled formula!”
That is such a beautiful stream of consciousness. Natalia goes from avoiding the confrontation — she is sad-eyed and disappointed that Adam left her with never another communication, she is not angry, she is too much a perfect angel to be an angry shrewish bitch at a man — until she finds out this was Hannah, this plain dumpy girl with the bad clothes and haircut, an unworthy adversary who should never have been able to steal her man. It’s as visceral a disgust as that of all the Internet men when Patrick Wilson banged her for one great weekend.
That is because Natalia has not seen Lena Dunham’s breasts unwrapped. Her breasts are beautiful. She really is like a Rubens.
I understand why you’re nude all the time, Lena Dunham, and also why Patrick Wilson loved the fuck out of banging you on that table.
I also understand why Hannah loves Adam. I understand that 25-year-old person on the Internet who thinks it is romantic. I understand that they are fucking dumb.