Jan 2, 2017
No We Do Not Want A ‘Gilligan’s Island’ Movie For Christmas Or Any Other Time
Sometimes, there are pieces of entertainment so near and dear to the American psyche that they should never be touched. Witness the nascent attempt to create a sequel to It’s A Wonderful Life, which is causing feelings ranging from “consternation” to “homicide.”
Sometimes there are pieces of entertainment that keep undergoing constant reboots, which is the cool way to say “remake, except I do whatever the hell I want and honor no past storylines if I feel like it,” like Spiderman 12: The Spidermanning, or whatever.
Finally, there are pieces of entertainment that were never all that great in the first place, and only received constant exposure and nationwide attention because back in the bad old days we only had 3 channels plus PBS, and PBS wasn’t all hip and cool and showing Sherlock reboots back then, because it was just like 10 hours of the Macneil/Lehrer report so of course you watched reruns because what the hell else were you going to do? Jesus, we watched Lost Saucer a whole bunch too but not because we liked it. Apparently there were only 16 episodes of Lost Saucer but we thought there were approximately one million because how else could they have shown them five mornings a week for our entire childhood?
But we digress. Our point: stop making sequels reboots reinventings reimaginings of everything, and really really this whole thing should have stopped before we got to the point where there is going to be a Gilligan’s Island movie.
All the hip cool holiday trade papers we read (ok, we look at the headlines over at Deadline because apparently Variety does not come whirling to your door with giant snappy headlines anymore like this:
…all those papers are telling us that this is a “star vehicle” for someone named Josh Gad, which we think is just a fancy way of saying he will star in the movie? Except that he might play Gilligan or could maybe play the Skipper, which just seems like Josh Gad gets what Josh Gad wants and he wants a Gilligan movie come hell or high water and wait who on earth is Josh Gad anyway?
Jesus, America. At some point in your history you gave the world new entertainment, even if it was more Jim Nabors than Mark Twain, but now you have nothing new under the sun and soon the Hollywood economy will collapse under the weight of $200 million CGI-enhanced remakebootmaginings of crappy 1960s sitcoms and we will have to start over with stone tablets again. Sorry, American civilization. Lead poisoning killed the Romans, and Gilligan’s Island and its progeny will kill you.