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Movie Duel: Deep Impact vs. Armageddon
Jun 20, 2017
Gigli (2003) (part 2 of 8)
Oh, boy, I get the first page of the actual recap. Which means I get to describe the DVD. Yay.
Gigli is one of those movies that was so ill-fated, even the universe tried in its half-assed way to keep me from ever seeing it. I snatched the last tape off the shelf at the rental store, only to discover it was actually a tape of X-Men 2. I wanted to keep that instead. I’ve seen too many “Ambiguously Gay Duo” shorts to do anything but laugh at superheroes anymore, but I saw this one in the theater with one of the few girls I’ve ever dated who didn’t turn out to be totally psycho and/or in a perpetual state of self-inflicted victimization. So I could have felt vaguely warm and fuzzy watching it again.
Whereas, watching Gigli would leave me with… Well, two hours with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, who I was so tired of hearing about that I wished every stalker reporter and Internet gossip dick everywhere would spontaneously combust.
But no, goddamned duty called. So instead, I grabbed one of the remaining Gigli DVDs, which are strangely available a mere three months after the movie set new records for bombing in theaters. Oh, I didn’t want to rent the DVD, they cost more than VHS, but hey, maybe the movie would have commentaries that would reveal what (if anything) was going through their heads when they filmed it! Any filmmaker bound by the Geneva Convention wouldn’t dare release something like Gigli upon the world without some kind of explanation! Right?
No dice. Oh, sure, the ass-plugs saw fit to include Korean and Thai subtitles. And also trailers for Maid In Manhattan and Anaconda [!]. But no commentaries.
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Jason Sartin
Unlike many other recappers, Jason wasn't introduced to the fold by seeing Exorcist 2 or anything. He's just a random internet cynical humor guy or something. (Wow, we don't have many of those.)
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