Feb 6, 2020
Gigli (2003) (part 1 of 8)
The Cast of Characters:
Larry Gigli (Ben Affleck). A large-headed, blank-faced, overacting mob hitman. Ultimately ends up Chasing J-Lo. His last name rhymes with “really”, as in, he only “really” has an Italian accent for one-fourth of his scenes. The least convincing thug in movie history.
Her name was Rochelle, but everyone knew her as Ricki (Jennifer Lopez). A New Age-y mob hitwoman who studies ancient martial arts, wears hip-hugging jeans, and drinks herbal tea. And, oh yeah, she’s also a lesbian, but that doesn’t stop Gigli from hooking up with her. The second least convincing thug in movie history.
Louis (Lenny Venito). Gigli’s mob boss. Doing his best impression of SNL‘s Jim Breuer doing an impression of Joe Pesci. Hatches the dumbest criminal plot since Cain slew Abel thinking God wouldn’t find out. Has Gigli and Ricki kidnap a prosecutor’s brother in order to… nah, it’s better if you find out for yourselves.
Brian (Justin Bartha). The prosecutor’s brother, who is, as the movie takes every opportunity to remind us, mentally handicapped. Afflicted with Tourette’s Syndrome and a severe case of Rain Man-itis, he’s a Noble Retard, at least when he isn’t jerking off to Australian weather forecasts or episodes of Baywatch.
Det. Stanley Jacobellis. Christopher Walken teleports in from his home planet to do his impression of Christopher Walken. Breaks all his lines down to their constituent syllables and puts random inflections on each. Offers forth one plot point before being dragged back to the set of Kangaroo Jack.
Gigli’s Mom (Lainie Kazan). Hollywood’s current ethnic mother of choice. She plays Gigli’s Big Fat Obnoxious Momma with repulsive gusto, revealing her dislike of visible panty lines and her willingness to experiment—ugh—with other women.
Mr. Starkman (Al Pacino). A mob boss who likes to turn all the dials on his Sudden Rage Meter up to eleven. Shows up for one scene to, basically, point out how stupid the movie’s plot is and how dumb all of its characters are.