Get Off Of My Lawn With Your Fancy Greek Yogurt

Get Off Of My Lawn With Your Fancy Greek Yogurt

Dancing yogurt. Obviously.

Yogurt is like methadone for people with dairy dependency issues. It has replaced sour cream in my life, and I believe I’m better off because of it. I was huddling behind a 7-11, mainlining clarified butter when I realized I had hit rock bottom. It takes a while to get used to the yogurt, but it gets me through the day. Occasionally, I still get the real deal when dining out. The result is always the same; I wake up with all my clothes on, a feeling of remorse, and dried sour cream in my beard.

Because it is “healthy,” yogurt is generally perceived to be and marketed as a “health food.” As such, it is subject to the whims of health fads. Before the Greek yogurt health fad (it’s got more protein than regular yogurt, so now you don’t have to eat meat or beans!) came the probiotics health fad (it’ll make you shit!) led by Dannon’s Activia, a product line that now includes Activia Greek and Activia Greek Light.

So why is everyone fucking with poor Chobani, the brand that fueled the Greek yogurt craze of the last … however long “kale” has been a thing? The Russian embargo of the performance enhancing food cost the US Olympic team innumerable medals at the Sochi Games (estimates range from two to “all of them, Katie”). Fage channels its butthurt over lost  market share into lawsuits about product labeling. Meanwhile, Whole Foods spits in its face.

Trying to keep up with the trends and to attract new consumers has rendered the yogurt section a kaleidoscope of textures, flavors, and package redesign. Key Lime Pie, Dulce de Leche, and Passionfruit are just a few of the more off-putting flavors available. I don’t want candy or granola or nuts in a separate chamber waiting to be mixed in at the time of consumption. You can get lite, whipped, frothy, drinkable, or extra thick. How do they get all those different textures? Science, of course. Müller’s Fruit Ups contain tilapia! Sorry vegetarians: most brands contains some kind of gelatin from animals, but none are so bold as Müller as to specify the animal they’re using, so kudos for transparency, I guess. Whole Foods’ “Dear John” to Chobani sums up my frustration:

As the national demand for Greek yogurt has grown, so has the number of conventional Greek yogurt options. As is the case with any saturated product category, Whole Foods Market challenged our Greek yogurt suppliers to create unique options for shoppers to enjoy – whether it be exclusive flavors, organic choices or non-GMO options.

I just want generic brand, fruit on the bottom yogurt. It is tasty and economical. Don’t get me wrong: I’ve tried a few varieties of Greek yogurt (when they go on sale to three times the cost of generic plain, down from four times). Yes, they are much more tasty than what Barney Kroger’s ghost is cooking up. But three to four times more tasty? As a cheapskate, I think not.

State of the Industry: Yogurt and Cottage Cheese in the U.S. (8th Ed) includes the chapter “Emerging Children’s and Men’s Market for Yogurt.” The Editrix won’t pony up the $200 for the full report, so all we can do is speculate about the implications. Coming to a dairy case near you: Doritos Locos Yogurt (with a dorito crumb corner!); Xxxtreme Buffalo Yogurt (in ranch or blue cheese flavor); Sharp Cheddar and Bacon Yogurt; YOLO (may as well have  a well-regulated gut) Yogurt; and, I don’t know, Sugar and Dye with Sprinkles Yogurt.

[CNBC/The Grocer/WaPo]

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  • Haribo Lector

    According to that WashPo article about Whole Foods, McDonald’s and Heinz have ceased doing business. How do McDonald’s still have ketchup*?*there are literally no other brands of ketchup in existence. Seriously.

    • glasspusher

      I have heard stories of gourmet ketchup, but have never had any. Also, Saint Ronnie said it’s a vegetable.

      • Ambignostic

        Dijon ketchup.

    • Callyson

      As a Pittsburgh native, I would boycott McDick’s over that. That is, if I went to McBeetus…/gross

  • Callyson

    Trader Joe’s fat free organic greek yogurt with hemp granola and sliced banana or GTFO. Seriously, that fills me up all morning and is a joy to eat…

    • glasspusher

      Stop it.

    • msanthropesmr

      As the grown adult child of hippies, I find this statement incredibly offensive.

      • Callyson

        Huh? You do realize that I’m not snarking here, right? Seriously, it’s my favorite breakfast…

        • msanthropesmr

          Sigh. I am sure it tastes great. However, the prospect of granola, banana, and yoghurt hearkens me back to childhood, when my mother made homemade yoghurt and granola. I am surprised I didn’t die from homemade yoghurt, made in a “yoghurt maker”, or as I like to refer to it as: a “botulism chamber”. My mother’s granola weighed approximately 50 pounds per cubic inch, making it slightly denser than osmium and harder than stainless steel.Don’t even get me started on BeanLoaf. No amount of ketchup in the world, gourmet or otherwise, could cover up the taste of that concoction.Proust had his madelines. I have granola, yoghurt, bean loaf, home made clothes, and bad home haircuts.

  • glasspusher

    Yogurt is sour cream gone horribly, horribly wrong.

    • msanthropesmr

      I’d say fuck yoghurt, but the commenters here might take it literally.

  • DinkyBossetti

    What, you don’t make your own yogurt??I have seen a yogurt marketed to men and bought one for MrBossetti because I thought it was hilarious. The container was black instead of white, and it called itself “Power Yogurt” or something like that. On the side, instead of saying how few calories it had, it boasted how much protein was in it, and it had an icon with a barbell on it, indicating just how strong and powerful it could help make the man who ate it. MrBossetti said it tasted exactly the same as every other yogurt, and he did not appear stronger or more powerful following the feeding.

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      I knew there was something different about him at the corned beef extravaganza . . .