Nov 20, 2019
George Zimmerman Thoughtfully Offers Other Semi-Famous People A Chance To Punch Him In The Face Repeatedly
You guys, we’re beginning to think that George Zimmerman might be the tiniest bit attention whore-y. There’s the whole “look at me! I am making Provocative Paintings” thing and now Georgie Boy has clawed his way back into the public eye by telling god and all comers that he’d like to do a celebrity boxing match with all proceeds going to charity.
George Zimmerman has announced he’s putting up his dukes for a celebrity boxing match — one that still needs an opponent.
“It was my idea,” the heavyweight gunslinger told Radar Online of his upcoming plans orchestrated by former professional boxer Damon Feldman.
Of course it was your idea, George, because you are a shitty person with terrible ideas. The inevitable question, of course: will he fight a black person?
We’re told George is open to fighting a black person, but the promoter is not discriminating, telling us “We’re not looking at it as a race thing … We haven’t discussed purple, yellow, white, black.”
Yeah, but what about unarmed black teenagers? Is he open to fighting those, because that seems to be his best talent. Also, is there a requirement that when you make that obligatory nonsense statement about how you love all colors (or its kissing cousin, the “I see no colors”) speech, you always have to include a color that people never actually are, like green or purple?
With this little bit of theater, George Zimmerman joins Danny Bonaduce and Barry Williams, Tonya Harding and Paula Jones, and Vanilla Ice and Todd Bridges in the ring of sadness. Had you managed to block out “Celebrity Boxing,” the 2002 Fox show that gave you that impressive has-been lineup? Sorry, but there was no way we were going to NOT talk about that here.
As for the three-fight card, Danny Bonaduce (“Danny Partridge”) whipped Barry Williams (“Greg Brady”) into submission with a second-round TKO, former child actor Todd Bridges won a unanimous decision from Rob Van Winkle (ex-rapper “Vanilla Ice”), and disgraced figure skater Tonya Harding pummeled scandal queen Paula Jones repeatedly before Jones quit in the third round.
Why not relive the glory days of those fights by watching Paula Jones actually turn and run away from Harding (which, to be fair, is a perfectly reasonable response) during large chunks of the bout?
There was also, apparently, a second “Celebrity Boxing” episode with even lower lights and lesser names, but we have legit forgotten about that, so meh.
OK anyway, so Boxing George is just like those faded stars, except for the part where none of those people had actually KILLED ANOTHER PERSON. Sure, Bonaduce, Bridges, and Jones had all been arrested for beating people up or, in Bridges’ case, actually trying to murder someone, but let’s note a couple quick facts, shall we: (1) zero of the victims of that tantrum-y trio died and (2) they were people who were famous for having done other celebrity or sporting things in their lives. But in this corner, we have George Zimmerman, who actually straight up murdered someone — an unarmed kid someone, we might add — AND that is the exact thing he is famous for. Capitalizing on that vies for saddest and sickest thing we can think of, pretty much.
Of course, any number of people have already volunteered to fight him. Currently, we’re really really hoping that rapper The Game, gets the nod, as he’s already made more than clear that he’d be happy to beat the daylights out of Zimmerman, and because The Game looks like this:
…and Zimmerman looks like the Steve Jobs turtleneck wearing fool you see up above.
We’re not even going to make the all-too-easy joke that if Zimmerman starts losing, he’ll probably just shoot someone, because that joke, while easy, is also fucking depressingly too close to the truth.
A final note: Zimmerman has said all the proceeds will go to charity, but we would lay Vegas betting money on the fact that the charity in question will be the Foundation To Pay George Zimmerman’s Enormous Legal Fees That He Is Still Stiffing His Lawyer On, which we do not actually think is a particularly worthy cause.