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Why Can’t The Real Gays Be All Outlaw Exciting Like Daily Caller’s Patrick Howley Wishes They Were?

Why Can't The Real Gays Be All Outlaw Exciting Like Daily Caller's Patrick Howley Wishes They Were?
Ohai gays! ‘Sup? Were you just hanging out wishing that a straight conservative dude would roll on up and tell you how boring you’ve become with your sniveling talk of “rights” and discrimination when you should just be in the closet at work and fabulous at the club? Then the Daily Caller has your back, people, because they’ve given you the great gift of one Patrick Howley, non-homosexxican, to tell you about how he just doesn’t get all tingly and excited by you any more.

Although gay Americans were for decades popularly identified as daring, transgressive, flamboyant, colorful and sometimes menacing (though also intriguing) mavericks, self-styled advocates have managed to rebrand the gay community as a bland, tedious, grievance group eagerly seeking government approval.

With this week’s push for ENDA (the Employment Non-Discrimination Act), another anti-business piece of legislation that allows self-identified cultural victims to sue their employers after they get fired, all the familiar annoying characters have come out of the tastefully-refurbished woodwork.

Who doesn’t love being identified as transgressive and menacing just for being who they are? Fuck, I’ve been trying to trangress and menace the Editrix for AGES and it just isn’t working because of what how I got so boring. If only we all hadn’t started caring so much ENDA and not being fired for no fucking reason but for the gayness, we could still all dance monkey dance for Patrick Howley! How could we have given up such a joy, such a privilege, such a life-affirming act as making Patrick Howley think we’re fun for the mere colored useless trinkets of being free from employment discrimination or getting the shit beat out of us on the streets?

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Much of Howley’s understanding of the SuperFun SuperTime that was closeted gay life seems to come from books from the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s that he skimmed/masturbated to.

Gayness used to be pretty awesome, according to alternative literature from the period 1954-78. Back in the day, gays were subversive adventurers, trolling the city streets at night on a lustful quest for experience and with an outlaw mentality not seen since the days of the Wild West. They were decadently-dressed sexual superheroes, daring Middle America to condemn them as they pranced their corseted, high-heeled bodies around to midnight screenings of great American movies like “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” “Pink Flamingoes,” and “Mommy Dearest.” They had an ingrained creativity, a patented sense of irony. They had a brand. They had an identity.

Yes, Patrick Howley, it was just like that every night. Studio 54 all the time, unless you were poor, or in a rural area, or trapped in a marriage you got into too young when you hoped against hope you could stop being gay. Sigh. Those really were the days.

Howley also takes a moment to troll gay dudes specifically (which seems to really be the only kind of gay people he is aware of or likes, but only the imaginary 1970s closeted Captain Fantastics of his fevered imaginings) by telling them about how they should be mad at the inclusivity of the current political/social alliances:

And, most egregiously of all, they call you, the gays, members of the “LGBTQIA community.” I had to look it up, but this is what it stands for: “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, Intersex, and Asexual.” Asexual!

That’s how they think of you. All the same. Just another plank in a political platform. If you want to put on a mesh shirt and take on two dudes at once, you’re the same as an “Asexual” librarian. If you’re blue-balling your teenage lover by merely “Questioning” and not committing, you’re the same as guys who have been walking around holding hands on sidewalks since the Carter years. If you’re a regular, normal, everyday gay guy in a healthy relationship, you get lumped into the same group with people who were born with two different sets of genitalia.

How do we even unpack the stupid? Yes, actually, there is some continuity politically between your imaginary mesh shirt guy (again with the really weird projecting there dude) who likes dude three-ways and people who are uncomfortable being told to have sex at all and gays that would like to have a marriage and a kid and people who still haven’t sorted their shit out. Also, too, guess what? The people that get to decide who gets included in their umbrella are the people under the umbrella, not a random conservative straight guy that has inexplicably been given a platform at Tucker Carlson’s vanity project website.

We can’t possibly walk away from this post without letting you hear about one Mr. Patrick Howley’s certainty that he is lusted after whenever he sets foot in Dupont Circle because the boring gays just can’t help themselves:

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I can’t even walk around DuPont Circle on early autumn evenings or interact with male bank tellers without getting eyed down like a side of ribs. It’s not even flattering. I know why it happens. I only get it because I’m skinny and I look like I’d be a bottom. It’s demeaning, really.

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Normally we do not engage in body and appearance snark here at Happy, but we have to break something to you Patrick: the boys are looking you up and down because that haircut went out 5 years ago and no one except Regis Philbin rocks a dark dress shirt under a suit, kitten. No one wants to jump your little bones, honey. Sorry not sorry.

[Daily Caller]

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