May 12, 2014
Game Of Thrones Recap: Enough Drama To Make Your Head Explode
Dear seven gods in heaven, this was certainly worth waiting for. After taking last week off, Game of Thrones came back with style, grace, drama, and all the goddam blood, guts, and amazing fights scenes we have come to expect. Strap on your armor and don’t forget to grab your helmet for this recap — you’re gonna need it.
We start out in Mole’s Town, just south of The Wall. While a few of the Night’s Watchmen are hanging out in the brothel, Gilly hears the signal from the Wildlings. Ygritte and the rest of our favorite Wildlings attack Mole’s Town. Although even ‘slaughter’ would be too kind for what happened. It was pure butchery, just massacring the whole damn town. EXCEPT for when Ygritte finds Gilly and the baby hiding. Ygritte, with blood dripping through the floorboards above her, has mercy on Gilly and the baby, and leaves them be.
Cut to Sam, Jon and others at The Wall, worrying over the attack on Mole’s Town, and wondering how they will be able to defend The Wall with 102 men against a hundred thousand. Unfortunately, that battle will have to wait till next week.
In order to cleanse our palate, we go across the Narrow Sea and find Grey Worm, Daenerys’ captain of the Unsullied, leering at a naked Missandei while they are both bathing. He later apologizes, and there seems to be a romance budding here despite Grey Worm’s castration.
We then head to the thoroughly brainwashed Reek/Theon Greyjoy, who is working for (read: obedient to) that sociopath Ramsey Snow. Reek has to pretend to be Theon Greyjoy and negotiate the Ironborn living in Moat Cailin, promising them safe passage if they abandon the fort. The Ironborn leader, despite being sick, rejects the offer, only to have one of his men axe him in the head and accept the surrender. And of course, rather than safe passage, Ramsey Snow skins all the Ironborn of Moat Cailin because he is a sick bastard. Later, he receives his reward from his father, Lord Roose Bolton. Ramsey Snow is accepted into the Bolton family, gaining the family name and becoming Ramsey Bolton, no longer a bastard.
Then we move on to Lord Petyr Baelish, who is getting grilled by folks in The Eyrie about Lady Lysa’s death. After telling his lies about Lysa’s ‘melancholy,’ those questioning him bring in Sansa. And we finally see Sansa grow from a girl who has been held captive for years into a Stark, all woman, all politics, and all awesome. She starts by apologizing to Petyr and saying that she has to tell the truth, which we would imagine would make Petyr shit the proverbial brick. Sansa tells them that she is not Petyr’s neice, but that she is Sansa Stark. He voice quivering, she tells about what she put up with in King’s Landing, and how Petyr was the only friend she had. And she says that Petyr has lied, but only to protect her. And then, with tears in her eyes, she corroborates the suicide story. As someone hugs her, she is able to stare at Petyr, giving him a look that, in our minds, said, “you’re mine now, bitch.”
Clearly, Sansa has been tutored in the art of politics and deception by some of the most dastardly folks in all the Seven Kingdoms, from the cruelty of Joffrey to the duplicitousness of Cersei to the ruthless scheming of Lord Baelish. It’s so so good to see her come into her own, especially as she walks down the stairs in that black dress, no longer a scared little girl, but a confident woman who will as soon kiss you as rip your balls off.
Back across the Narrow Sea, where Lord Barristan receives a letter from the Hand of the King, of all people. The letter is a pardon from King Baratheon for Ser Jorah Mormont. Jorah is forced to admit that he was spying on Daenerys. In the throne room, be tries to explain that he was spying beforehand, but now he is in love. Dany is having None. Of. It. With eyes tougher than Valyrian steel, she tells him, “I do not want you in my city dead or alive.” He’s banished from the city, and from Daenerys’s sight. Don’t fuck with the Mother of Dragons.
Time to check in on our buddy-cop road tripping duo, Arya and The Hound. They are finally arriving at The Eyrie, and The Hound is still hurting from that bite he got on the neck. They approach the Bloody Gate, and ask for Lady Arryn, only to be told that she dies three days ago. Arya does the only thing one could do… she just starts laughing hysterically. What the hell are they gonna do now? Again, we have to wait.
And we FINALLY get to King’s Landing, where the battle between The Mountain and Prince Oberyn is going to happen. We start with a heartwarming dialogue between Jamie and Tyrion, using metaphors to ask questions about life, why we are here, and why anyone does what they do. Again, we must insist that Peter Dinklage get all the EGOTs forever. Then, on to the battle.
Prince Oberyn decides for only light armor and no helmet (spoiler: bad decision) because he wants to be nimble. Ever the smartass, Prince Oberyn trash talks during the fight. He says that The Mountain raped his sister, murdered her, and killed her children. He demands that he confess. Throughout the battle, he yells, “You raped her! You murdered her! You killed her children!” He dances around, avoiding that giant two-handed sword that comes close to shopping off his head. Eventually Oberyn impales The Mountain. As The Mountain lay there, Prince Oberyn continues to demand a confession. He screams at The Mountain, demanding to know who gave the order, circling The Mountain yelling for a confession. Unmoving, The Mountain just lies there, not saying anything.
Prince Oberyn gets too close, and The Mountain suddenly swipes out Prince Oberyn’s legs. He then punches Oberyn so hard that a dozen of Oberyn’s teeth fly out. The Mountain rolls on top of Prince Oberyn, grasps his forehead, with his thumbs in Oberyn’s eyes, begins to squeeze Oberyn’s head. As he is squeezing and pressing his thumbs in Oberyn’s eyes, The Mountain says, “I raped her. I killed her children. Then, I smashed her head in like this!” And he pops Prince Oberyn’s head like an overripe tomato.
Even if you knew this was coming, it was still gruesome. The camera was so close to Oberyn you felt like you were there, like you were the one breaking a man’s skull with your bare hands. As blood began to trickle out of his eyes, you could almost feel the blood on your own hands. Holy seven gods in heaven.
Lord Tywin stands up and sentences Tyrion to death.
Now we can’t wait for the last two episodes, and beyond. We want to see Sansa continue to grow into a badass woman. And poor Tyrion! Will he die? Will he be able to wiggle out of death yet again? And according to the preview for Episode 9, we will finally get that epic battle at The Wall:
Reminder that Game of Thrones airs Sundays at 9 pm on HBO. Catch up on previous episodes here: