Dec 16, 2019
Game Of Thrones Recap: A Tragic Dearth Of Jugs, But An Abundance Of Deaths
On the down side, there were no boobs this week. Not even a nip-slip or wardrobe malfunction or anything. On the up side, no rapes, either. But to make up for it, there was plenty of violence, and a touch of sweet, sweet vengeance. Fetch Ser Pod to help you strap on your armor, and let’s ride forth for this week’s Game of Thrones recap.
Given that we have now had two kings killed (at least, official kings who sat upon the Iron Throne), it’s time for another Lord of the Seven Kingdoms. In a departure from sociopathic monster Joffrey, we now have sweet sweet Tommen. Aww, isn’t he so cute, with the throne on his head and folks cheering! And as people greet him after his coronation, we see him making eyes at Margaery, standing alone on a balcony. Then Cersei cuts between them, eyeing Margaery. We see some good ol’ jealousy coming. Cersei and Margaery discuss what a little shit Joffrey was, so terrible that his actions even shocked Cersei, not an easy thing to do! They end the conversation discussion how Margaery will likely marry Tommen, and Cersei will marry Margaery’s brother, Loras. Margaery, in a well-timed barb, turns to Cersei and says, “I don’t know what I would call you. Sister? Or Mother?” Haha, nothing like a good incest joke.
Moving across the Narrow Sea, we check in with Daenerys. Pause to let our hearts swoon. *Swoon*
We learn that Daario has captured the Meereenese Navy, because Dany likes ships. They now have 93 ships, and Daenerys considers going to King’s Landing. Given that there is chaos, and that the various armies will be tired from all their fighting, now would be the perfect time. However, Daenerys is not having success at ruling the cities she has taken, as several of them have fallen into chaos and reverted to slavery. She decides to stay, and do what Queens do: “I will rule.” Well, she continues to rule our heart.
Next, we see Littlefinger and Sansa making their way to The Eyrie, through a narrow mountain pass that would be treacherous to any army. Luckily, it’s just Lord Petyr Baelish and his innocent “niece.” How much harm could a few people cause?
Hey look! It’s Lady Arryn (Catelyn Stark’s sister, remember?) and her ‘beautiful boy,’ Lord Robin, thankfully not at snacktime! Remember this from Season 1?
After reminding us about the moondoor, Robin takes Sansa to her room and Lysa and Littlefinger start making out. Lysa wants to get married immediately, and Petyr eventually relents, agreeing to marry that evening. They we hear a few SHOCKING things:
- It was Littlefinger who persuaded Lysa to poison Jon Arryn!
- Littlefinger told her to write a letter to Catelyn Stark blaming the Lannisters, which started this whole mess.
Littlefinger kisses her to shut her up, and then they get married, but not before Lysa declares that she will scream so loud when her husband makes love to her that they will “hear her clear across the Narrow Sea.” Poor Sansa has to listen to Lysa live up to that promise.
For more shocking news, we head back to King’s Landing and check in on the Lannisters, specifically Tywin and Cersei chatting. Cersei is not happy about having to marry Loras Tyrell, but says she will do so a fortnight after Tommen’s wedding. Tywin let’s Cersei know that the last working Lannister gold mine ran dry three years ago, and that the crown owes the Iron Bank of Braavos a tremendous amount of money. Ruh-roh! The Lannisters will have to figure out how to pay back that loan somehow, which is why the marriages to the Tyrells are so important. And at the end, Cersei makes a plea for her father to sentence Tyrion to death at the upcoming trial.
Hey, back to our favorite buddy cop duo, Arya Stark and The Hound! Arya is laying down to sleep and saying the name of people she will kill out loud. The Hound wants her to “shut the fuck up” so he can get some sleep. The last name on the list? The Hound. The next morning, The Hound finds Arya waterdancing with Needle. The Hound, being his usual polite self, mocks both the dancing and Syrio, Arya’s teacher. They argue, and The Hound dares Arya to go ahead and stab him, to cross him off the list. Arya does, only to find Needle stopped by armor. The Hound backhands her, then hands Needle back. Poor Arya.
Back to the Eyrie, we awake the next morning to Lysa going all-out crazy on Sansa. She starts by giving her sweets and being all nice. Then, she starts being all jealous of Sansa. Her eyes go wide, she talks about Littlefinger’s brothels, and accuses Sansa of being pregnant by Littlefinger. Why else does he care for her, and her young pretty little body? Sansa swears that she is a virgin, promising that Lord Baelish loves Lysa. Scene ends with Lysa hugging Sansa, and telling her that everything will be fine, and that Sansa will soon marry Robin, which we find more terrifying than Tyrion by a long shot.
We briefly check in on Pod and Breinne, for a little comic relief as Pod turns out to be a mediocre squire, at best. He is bad at riding, and lights dinner on fire because he didn’t skin the rabbit. Then we see Cersei and Prince Oberyn go for a walk and chat about how much Cersei cares for and misses her daughter, Myrcella. Cersei asks Prince Oberyn to deliver a gift, a boat that Cersei has built for her daughter.
Finally, we move on to north of The Wall. Locke is doing some recon of Craster’s Keep for Jon Snow, and finds Bran Stark and his merry band tied up in a hut. He slinks back to Jon to tell them that there are 11 rebels, and to avoid the hut (the one with Bran) because there are dogs chained up. Jon decides to attack at sundown.
Inside the hut, Jojen Reed has a vision of Bran and a great weirwood tree upon a hill, a vision that Bran has also seen. Jojen tells Bran that he can’t stop until he gets there, and that he and the others are only here to guide Bran to that tree.
Karl Tanner, leader of the rebels, comes in and decides to have a little rapey-time with Meera, Jojen’s sister. (BUT WAIT! YOU PROMISED US NO RAPE! Be patient, dear reader). Jojen stops the rape before it happens by promising to help Tanner. Tanner mocks, and Jojen says that he saw Tanner die tonight, and his body burn. Cue attack from the Night’s Watch!
Swordfights! CLASH-CLANG! Plenty of gruesome death and blood by firelight! Then we see Locke slip into the hut and steal Bran away. Is he still trying to help Roose Bolton by eliminating one more Stark from trying to reclaim Winterfell? Well, Bran does his warg thing and has Hodor (Hodor! Hodor!) break free, track him down, and strangle Locke like a fucking bawse! Hells yeah! And that wasn’t even the best death scene!
Snow and Tanner face off in Craster’s keep. Tanner has two daggers, and we remind you that he was a hired assassin back in King’s Landing. Jon gets stabbed in the leg and taunted for having learned to fight with honor. Tanner spits in his face, trips him, and Jon falls to the ground. Oh no! Not another dead Stark! As Tanner is about to finish him off, one of Craster’s girls stabs him in the back. Tanner turns around, pulls the knife from his back, and starts to go after the woman.
As Tanner walks toward her, we see the tip of Jon’s sword come flying through his mouth, the Jon slowly pull it back out, all the way through Tanner’s head. Bloody and awesome! Seriously, go watch it again, because bloody vengeance is the best vengeance. Oh, and then Ghost is reunited with Jon, which is sweet.
Jon offers to take Craster’s women back to Castle Black. The women say that both Craster and the other Crows beat them and worse, and that they will make it on their own, thanks very much. Jon asks if they want to stay at Craster’s Keep. The woman’s response: “Burn it to the ground. And all the dead with it.”
We think that they could have stayed there the night, because the place would burn just as well in the morning. But we figure that a nighttime burning has more of a dramatic effect. So Craster’s Keep burns to the ground, and the episode ends.
Now that we’re halfway through the season, we have Big Questions. How will Daenerys quell her rebellions? What will happen with Tyrion’s trial? We are happy to see Arya, but what will happen to her? Will she slay The Hound and the others on her list? What ever happened to Stannis Baratheon? Also, what’s the deal with Theon Greyjoy?
Here’s next week’s preview:
Be sure to catch Game of Thrones on HBO Sundays at 9 pm. And if you need a refresher, catch up on previous episodes: