May 16, 2019
Game of Thrones: Battle Scars
War wounds . . . we all have them. Even the luckiest among us won’t make it to adulthood without earning a few. Some are visible, like childhood skinned knees that lead to lifelong scars, black eyes, bruised cheeks, that scaly makeup they’ve been putting on Shireen’s face and, more recently, Jorah’s arm, not to mention whatever the f*&k happened to that poor dude in Mereen burned in half by Dany’s dragons this week . . .
Other wounds are less visible, but no less painful. They fester beneath the surface, subtly coloring our every word and gesture, preventing us from trusting and loving too easily, shielding us from a life lived to its fullest, out of fear that we might be hurt again. These are the kind of wounds that turn the once brazen and cocky Theon Greyjoy into the pitiful, stinky, silent and sexless Reek . . . and innocent, sheltered Sansa Stark into Darth Sansa, the kind of girl who would willingly stick her tongue down middle-aged creepy Littlefinger’s throat and like it.
This week on Game of Thrones, Dany feeds her dragon kids a gourmet lunch. Greyworm lives to be ball-less another day. Jon Snow grows a pair. Sansa comes to terms with just how badly her life sucks. Tyrion grudgingly acknowledges the perks of being held hostage.
And everyone gets covered in battle scars, some more visible than others . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
In which Dany’s Dragons Learn to Share, and Wish Their Mom a Happy Mother’s Day . . .
While a concerned, but relieved, Missandei hovers precariously over a wounded, but still living, Greyworm’s bedside, Dany and Daario stonily mourn Ser Barristan’s corpse, which, thankfully, doesn’t have those creepy googly eyes on top of it, like they put on all the dead bodies in Kings Landing. So tacky! But Dany doesn’t seem so much sad as she does SUPER PISSED OFF!
“I feel like scaring the sh*t out of some rich people,” says Dany. “Round up all the heads of Mereen’s wealthiest families, so I can dangle them in front of my dragon kids’ faces and make them soil their golden tighty whities.”
“But I’m filthy rich and have golden tighty whities,” whines Hizdahr, a.k.a. the guy who’s talked about nothing but reopening the fighting pits ad nauseum since episode 1. BOO-RING!
“Then, I hope you didn’t eat a big lunch,” remarks Dany blithely, as her guards seize his smug ass.
Shortly thereafter, Dany’s collection of rich assholes is assembled around her in the dragon pits.
“A good mother never gives up on her children,” speechifies Dany, as the quivering, quaking mass of rich folk hover precariously near Dany’s patiently waiting sort-of progeny, wondering which one of them is about to become dragon kibble.
SPOILER ALERT: It’s the fat bald guy!
Daario pushes the poor unfortunate soul into the pit, where Dany’s dragons promptly fry him and expertly carve his body in half, so they each can get a meal. If you ignore the whole gross burning body thing, it’s actually kind of adorable.
“All men must die,” remarks Hizdahr, feigning bravery, despite the fact that he is now wearing poopy pants.
“Yeah, but not today,” offers Dany blithely. “My dragons have already had a large fat bald man for a meal. And I don’t want them to get chunky. Because nothing is worse than having chunky dragon kids. Maybe tomorrow.”
Message sent and received, Dany. Mess with the Queen and end up the expertly carved-up Lean Cuisine for two svelte dragons . . .
In which we hear the episode title . . .
Back at the Wall, Samwell is reading to Maester Aemon news of his relative Dany. It’s boring news that fails to mention her making rich men sh*t themselves by feeding a fat baldie to her dragon kids. Talk about burying the lead! Apparently, there is no TMZ in Westeros . . .
Jon pops by to get advice from the Maester on a decision he’s about to make that’s going to make him super unpopular with the rest of the Night’s Watch, who used to like him a lot because he’s really ridiculously good-looking.
“Kill the boy, and let the man be born,” explains Maester, winking at the camera, in the way people do when they’ve just given out a slogan they know will become popular, like “Trix are for kids,” “Campbell Soup is Mmm Mmm Good,” and “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?!”
Emboldened by having just murdered his inner Toys R’ Us Kid, Jon approaches Ginger Tormund about forming an alliance between the Watchers on the Wall and the Wildlings to fight against those creepy White Walkers that zombify babies for sh*ts and giggles. “We can offer your Wildling Folk shelter for your women and children, a fleet for your travels, and the right not to end up a creepy baby zombie, if you fight by our side.”
“I’ll get my people to join forces with you,” relents Tormund, “but only if you travel with me to visit them, because you are so damn sexy.”
“Curse my good looks,” mutters Jon Snow, but he ultimately agrees.
At the Wall Watchers meeting, everyone thinks Jon’s idea of allying with those smelly Wildlings sucks, except, of course, for Samwell, because Samwell likes everything Jon says and does. As everyone yells at Jon Snow, Stannis mutteringly corrects all the Wall Watchers’ bad grammar, proving himself to be the nerdiest contender for the Iron Throne ever!
Jon Snow has a harder time justifying his decision to his apprentice, young Olly, whose entire family has been butchered by Wildlings. “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” says Olly, more or less. “Also, you suck and I hate you now.”
It’s always lonely at the top, isn’t it, Jon Snow? Especially when you’ve murdered your inner child, just because some old guy told you to do so . . .
And Jon Snow’s lonely days are about to get even lonelier, especially now that his surprise bromantic buddy Stannis Baratheon finally ships off with his men toward Winterfell . . .
With Friends Like These . . .
Speaking of Winterfell, Darth Sansa’s friendly wash basin lady reminds her that she still has friends in the North and that if she lights a candle at the top of the highest tower, they will come and kick some Evil Bolton ass on her behalf.
Speaking of Evil Bolton ass, Ramsey is naked and porking the kennelmaster’s daughter, Myranda, who is clearly psychotic JUST LIKE HIM! She whines that Ramsey will be marrying Darth Sansa and not her. When Ramsey accuses her of being jealous and boring, she attempts to prove that she isn’t either by biting a large chunk out of Ramsey’s lip. So sweet! Clearly, these two are a match made in smelly flayed body heaven.
Further wishing to metaphorically pee on Ramsey’s leg so Darth Sansa knows that hot psycho piece of man meat is taken whether or not she becomes his wife, Myranda finds Sansa on the grounds and passive aggressively Regina George’s her by complimenting her dress in a way that is clearly not sincere. Then, Myranda takes Sansa into her crazy Cujo dog kennel; it is there that Darth Sansa reunites with the artist formerly known as Theon Greyjoy, a.k.a. the guy she thinks killed her brothers Rickon and Bran.
Darth Sansa is understandably shocked by Theon (now Reek’s) disheveled appearance, obvious brain damage, nauseating scent, and the fact that he literally lies down with dogs. The look on her face when she sees him is one of pity and disgust, mixed in with anger.
Needless to say, Darth Sansa is having a really shitty day. And it’s about to get much worse. Because, she’s about to have dinner with her new family . . .
Meet the Boltons
“It must be strange for you, being here,” Walda Frey, Roose Bolton’s wife, offers conversationally to Darth Sansa as the new family sits down for dinner.
“It’s not strange; this is my home,” corrects Darth Sansa. “It’s the people that are strange.”
Bam! Touche, Sansa.
Ramsey, the guy who flays men and cuts off balls for a hobby, and who considers getting his lip chewed off by a woman foreplay, really doesn’t like being called strange, so he brings Theon/Reek to stink up the table and traumatize poor Sansa. (Whoever thought Sansa would come to miss the days of being engaged to that Little Sh*t Joffrey.) Ramsey forces Reek to apologize to Sansa for “killing her brothers,” then invites the guy to give her away at the wedding as her “closest living relative.”
Because nothing says familial bonding like the fake flaying of your baby brothers.
Even for the detestable Roose Bolton, Ramsey’s treatment of Sansa seems a bit grotesque. So, the father lashes out, announcing proudly that Walda is pregnant with his legitimate son. Ouch! First Ramsey got his lip chewed off, now there goes his balls. It’s a painful day for everyone involved.
Later, Roose waxes poetically to Ramsey about the fond memories he has of raping Ramsey’s peasant mother, after killing her husband. “When this woman came to my door with a baby, I was going to throw you in the river because, let’s be honest, most babies are complete garbage, but I took one look at your Crazy Eyes and knew you were my son.”
Eat your heart out, Stannis and Shireen Baratheon! Two can play at the Father’s Day Hallmark card game.
Roose follows up this romantic and inspirational story with a confession to his son. He knows that Stannis is marching toward the Iron Throne and wishes to take the North on his way. “Help me keep the North by brutally murdering as many people as possible and hanging their flayed bodies around our house for decoration, and I promise to love you more than the new garbage baby,” Roose offers gallantly.
If I were Darth Sansa, I’d be lighting those “Help Me” candles at the watchtower right about now . . .
A Match Made in Poopy Pants
Having literally scared the rich people of Mereen shitless by feeding one of them to her kids, Dany begins to take steps to solidify her rule in a more reasoned way. She visits a truly petrified Hizdahr in the dungeons to inform him of the good news. It turns out, she’s decided to reopen the fighting pits after all, but only to “free men.” (Considering everybody in Mereen is technically free now, it isn’t really much of a compromise, but details . . .)
Also, she’s going to marry Hizdahr. Because nothing says romantic proposal like visiting someone in prison and saying “Marry me, or I’ll have your body torn apart limb from limb by a pair of dragons on a strict calorie-restricted diet.”
Jorah Gets a Bitchin’ Tattoo
Riding toward the lost city of Valyria, which admittedly is pretty gorgeous with its dazzling ruins, green grasses, and crystal clear waters, Jorah and Tyrion experience their first ever bonding moment post-kidnapping, despite the fact that Tyrion is woefully sober during it. They even recite a poem about Valyria together. Between this, Stannis’ grammatical corrections at the Wall meeting, and Samwell Tarley getting all hot and bothered over books earlier in the episode, this may very well be the nerdiest episode of GOT ever!
We interrupt this dramatic poetry reading and scenic tour of someplace pretty in New Zealand to bring you . . . DROGON THE DRAGON!
ALSO A GREYSCALE-AFFLICTED STONE MAN ZOMBIE!
Ladies and gentlemen, things have just taken a turn for the weird.
Jorah battles the Crazed Stone Man, trying hard not to touch him because, apparently, Greyscale gets transmitted like cooties. Meanwhile, Tyrion jumps off the side of the boat, his hands still tied together. Ultimately Jorah defeats Old Stoney and rescues Tyrion from drowning, YAY!
But he somehow manages to get Greyscale Cooties in the process. Boo!
Poor Jorah! All the guy wants to do is win a date with the Mother of Dragons, and he gets a deadly, disfiguring, mind-ravaging disease for his troubles. He should have stuck with Westeros Match.com . . .
And that was “Kill the Boy” in a nutshell. Until next time, my friends!