Galavant: Unicorn-y (S2 E1 & E2 RECAP)
Once upon a time (exactly one year ago) there lived a charming and very good looking . . .
. . . if slightly lazy, television recapper, named Julie . . .
One Sunday evening, while Julie was sitting on her couch, binge watching something on Netflix, and enjoying a well-deserved (at least in her opinion) Recapping Hiatus, she received an e-mail from her boss at Happy Nice Time People.
“Julie” said the e-mail. “You like to write recaps of television shows featuring assholes in funny looking old-timey clothes, who occasionally do assholey stuff to one another on ABC at 8 p.m. on Sundays, don’t you? Why not write recaps for this new show, Galavant. It airs only during the four-week hiatus of that other asshole-filled show you recap, Once Upon a Time?”
Seeing four glorious Sunday nights spent re-watching every single episode of Gossip Girl erupt into flames before her very eyes, Julie morosely took the liberty of Googling Galavant. “Good lord, this show looks terrible,” she said to herself. “There’s no way it could possibly get renewed for a second season.”
Cackling malevolently to herself, Julie agreed to write what she truly believed would be the only four recaps she would ever have to write for the show called Galavant.
And, then, for reasons no one can quite comprehend, the darn thing got renewed . . .
No sense putting it off any longer. I guess we have to review . . .
New Season . . . Now with 50% MORE GAY!
Having been stuck on a ship with smelly pirates and Lord Grantham from Downton Abbey for a year, Galavant and his new boyfriend / former arch nemesis King Richard are very eager to find dry land / rescue their lady love and kingdom, respectively . . .
But first . . . an entirely too meta song about how nobody – not even the producers, writers, or actors in this series – can believe it has actually been renewed!
Tired from their journey, and still in no rush to rescue their lady love and kingdom (after all, they have four more weeks to do that, and no other plot lines, at least as far as I can see), Galavant and the King decide to check out a gay strip club called The Enchanted Forest . . .
There, Kylie Minogue kidnaps them both, and shamelessly objectifies Galavant for our viewing pleasure.
Reverse sexism rules!
(Fun Fact: Joshua Sasse and Kylie Minogue are dating in real life, which is probably how he conned her into singing on this show!)
Gareth just can’t wait to be king (and drink beer, lots and lots of beer)!
Meanwhile, Gareth guilts the usually implacable Queen Madalena into offering him up the much deserved title of “King,” a sizable promotion from his previous title . . .
. . . seeing as he killed the last King . . . at least the one that wasn’t Richard.
But then Madalena balks, when he tries to decorate the castle with beer, pictures of dogs playing polo, and a hideous portrait of his mother.
The new King and Queen ultimately resolve their decorating differences, however, when they bond over tossing poor Sid out the window. Ahhh, foreplay! After Galavant and King Richard, and me and that unicorn we meet later on in the episode (spoiler alert!), these two are totally my third favorite couple on this show!
Can You Smear Me Now?
After escaping the strip club through the ladies room, naturally (because ladies bathrooms in gay men’s strip clubs are like sunglasses for people with no eyeballs), Gal and Rich head into a nearby town. There, King Richard gets shamelessly hit on, and subsequently outed as a virgin, by a unicorn. (Because unicorns, apparently ,just LOOOOOOOVE virgins! Who said you can’t learn anything from should-have-been-canceled musical extravaganzas?)
Suddenly apprehensive about reuniting with Isabella, after remembering how crappy, musty tasting, and chemistry-free their first smooch actually was, Galavant decides to pay a visit to a fortune teller to get some much needed love advice.
Conveniently enough, the fortune teller just so happens to have a crystal ball that makes long distance phone calls, because of course it does! Galavant and Richard decide to use the crystal ball to call the imprisoned, close to marrying her prepubescent cousin, Isabella, whose ugly amulet (which she claims to have worn every day since birth, even though no one has ever seen it before) also happens to double as an anachronistic cell phone!
Gal and Rich chat with Chef and the Handmaiden first, who break to Richard the bad news that his boy toy Gareth has betrayed him and usurped his position as king. Then, Gal gets to speak to Isabella, who was just in the process of escaping the castle to see him. Gal tells Izzie that he still loves her and wants to escape with her, even though she’s a crappy kisser.
Unfortunately, Fortune Teller’s crystal ball cellular network is not Verizon, and therefore, the call keeps intermittently dropping. This, somehow, results in Isabella hearing Galavant referring to her as a fat cow, and instructing her to move on with her life.
You know what they say, Isabella. If you can’t be with the one you love, love the prepubescent little turd / close relative you are with! Long story, short, it looks like Isabella’s going to go through with that ridiculous wedding after all!
Later, in an effort to gently reject an obviously smitten unicorn, King Richard removes a sword from a stone, and threatens to turn the poor guy into a one-i-corn. Message sent and received, Richard. It seems like heart break abounds in this season premiere.
Of course, the sword that King Richard removed from the stone wasn’t just any sword, it was THIS SWORD . . .
Ruh-roh, King Richard! Perhaps, this is the reason that the castle you formerly ruled, which was recently overtaken by your former friend Gareth, has seemingly disappeared from the face of the Earth.
So, what say you, Galavantians? Will Isabella learn that Galavant still loves her, before she marries her own first cousin and, subsequently, gives birth to a bunch of three-headed babies? Will King Richard ever find out what the heck happened to his randomly-disappearing-into-thin-air kingdom? Is that unicorn still single?
These important questions and more will be answered on next week’s Galavant, which, unfortunately, I guess I will be recapping . . . again.