Feb 4, 2020
Galavant RECAP: So Many Balls, So Little Time (S1:E3-4)
Greetings Galavantians! And welcome to week two of ABC’s four-week medieval musical extravaganza, Galavant . . . the show where three quarters of the songs are about male genitalia and I’m still rooting for the bad guy to win.
While most of you were off enjoying Globes that were Golden, I was busy being entertained by balls of an entirely different sort . . .
. . . or lack thereof, as in the case of this eunuch (who may or may not be Varys from Game of Thrones‘s dumber, but slightly more jovial twin brother) . . .
No seriously, watching this guy get his non-balls get kicked repeatedly was one of the highlights of this episode, which undoubtedly says terrible things about me as a human being.
Also in the balls category, as in soirees, Galavant’s first half hour featured not one, but two wild and crazy parties (i.e., the kind of balls you won’t find attached to a eunuch’s groin) . . .
. . . neither of which featured Matthew McConaughey or his beard, unfortunately.
And definitely no Meryl Streep.
The second half hour of Galavant was a dream come true for anyone who has ever laid in bed at night and wondered, “Golly gee, I wonder what Lord Grantham from Downton Abbey would look like as a pirate.”
I know I have!
. . . also MORE BALLS! This time, belonging to This Guy . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
A Trip to Sidneyland
When we last left our winsome trio of Galavant, Princess Lots of Last Names, and The Squire That Didn’t Get Much To Do in Episodes One or Two, they were riding on horseback toward King Evil Dick’s castle.
Now? Well . . . they are still riding . . .
Because nothing gives one a case of major ass cramps like a week spent on horseback, our heroes decide to stop for a brief respite in The Squire That Didn’t Get Much to Do in Episodes One or Two’s hometown. The town is conveniently named Sidneyland, apparently after the squire himself, whose name I just found out was Sid, a fact I will undoubtedly forget before next week’s recap (maybe sooner).
But hey, if Galavant gets to have an entire show named after him, it seems only fair that his squire gets half the name of a town featured in half of a half of an episode. (If this show ends up getting a Season 2, it better be called “King Evil Dick.” That’s all I’m saying.)
It is in this awkward moment that we learn that Galavant’s adorable squire has not been entirely honest with his family and fellow countrymen about what he does for a living. And by “not entirely honest” I mean “a big ole lying poopyhead.”
Apparently, the folks of Sidneyland believe Sid to be a brave and famous knight, instead of the squire whose name I didn’t learn until the third episode . . .
Also Sid’s adopted, and Jewish! L’chaim!
Thrilled to have their hero back home, Sid’s parents and the townies greet him with a rousing rendition of “Oy What a knight!” It’s the type of song that you imagine would pop out if “Hava Nagila,” Cole Porter’s “You’re the Top,” and The Weather Girls’ “It’s Raining Men” somehow procreated.
In Sidneyland, Sid is the main attraction. Everyone wants to get a chance to ride . . . even, quite possibly, his own mother. (And you thought you cornered the market on Creepy Medieval Incest, Game of Thrones! I bet Cersei never wrote a line like that on Jamie’s Bar Mitzvah signing board! Take that!)
To maintain the ruse of Sid’s “rousing success” at knighthood, Galavant is forced to pose as his squire, which basically entails wearing a hoodie.
It should be noted that Galavant looks hot in a hoodie.
Not like slow-motion shirtless bucket shower hot, but hot nonetheless . . .
As for Princess Lots of Last Names, she doesn’t really have to do anything but sit at the dinner table and look pretty. But she decides to pose as Sid’s fiancée, because . . . PLOT DEVICE.
Also, she wants to prove to Galavant she’s got acting chops, because she secretly looooooooves Galavant. And nothing says loving like leading a man unwittingly into certain death and pretending to be his trusty assistant’s s.o. (As we’ve learned from Queen Madalena, when it comes to Galavant, marrying another man is the most powerful form of foreplay.)
Sid’s Ma and Pa are so excited about their son’s impending nuptials that they decide to throw a big ball in his and Princess Lots of Last Names’ honor.
During the party, Galavant is relegated to the basement with the other “squires.” There he broods silently in his sexy hoodie, while his newfound friends bitch about what totally awful, highly unfashionable, people knights are. AWKWARD!
Galavant’s brief crash course in how the other half lives teaches him two important lessons: (1) maybe he should stop being such a jackass to Sid and (2) wear less bulky, unflattering armor and more sexy hoodies. Two lessons he will undoubtedly unlearn after the commercial break.
But for now, Galavant is sharing a warm heart-to-heart with his Knight-for-a-Day Squire, and Princess Lots of Last Names is looking at him like she wants to detach her jaw and swallow him whole.
Just another day in the life of everyone’s favorite Jackass in a Can . . .
Meanwhile, over at the castle . . .
Because Their Ain’t No Party Like an Evil Dick Party
Poor King Evil Dick! His wife ignores him. His jester betrays him. And the country folk of the land he’s conquered, pillaged and vanquished just never seem to smile when he’s around. It’s enough to give a guy a bit of a complex.
In his continued quest to get Madalena to bone him, King Evil Dick decides to throw an impromptu party for the conquered folks of Valencia. King Evil Dick takes his party-throwing duties very seriously. He arranges fun activities . . . like repeatedly kicking a eunuch in the balls (?) . . .
He offers up rousing entertainment . . . like burning the townspeople’s sole remaining food source before their eyes.
He hires a band . . . made up entirely of executioners, the only people in the countryside with musical talent whom he hasn’t yet murdered.
There’s line dancing . . .
And comedy . . .
And, when all else fails, King Evil Dick sacrifices himself to the party gods as the subject of a good old fashioned roast.
Finally, the townspeople of Valencia seem to be truly enjoying themselves. Until the eunuch makes a joke about Madalena boning the jester. That makes Evil Dick very sad. And when Evil Dick is sad, I’m sad.
Stupid eunuch! And to think I was actually considering kicking you in the non-balls.
By the end of the first half hour, Evil Dick’s Kingdom is short one eunuch and one kind of hot jester is in biiiiiig trouble . . .
A Pirate’s Life for Lord Grantham
Back on the countryside, Galavant, Princess Lots of Last Names, and What’s His Face The Squire are riding yet again. (Am I the only one starting to see a pattern here?) Apparently so many days alone together on the road has caused these three to start getting on one another’s nerves. Why? It has something to do with Princess Lots of Last Names’ snoring and Galavant’s tendency to eat all the raisins out of the trail mix #hotmedievalpeopleproblems.
All of this bickering ends up distracting our crew, so much so that they barely notice when a group of pirates snatch up their Big Ugly Ass Green Jewel and hold them all captive.
I smell a Special Guest Star!
Last week’s special threat to Big Ugly Ass Green Jewel was Uncle Jesse as Jean Hamm . . .
This week it’s the stuffy dad from Downton Abbey as Peter Pillager the Pirate King, who may or may not be Jack Sparrow’s zany uncle.
Pete’s Pirates may be spectacular at stealing jewels from ladies’ tampon boxes.
But, as it turns out, they are terrible at . . . well pretty much everything else that has to do with being a pirate, including actually getting their ship up a hill and into the water.
Their singing is awesome though!
Pete pulls aside Galavant and offers him freedom in exchange for the ditching his crew of snorers and blanket stealers and coming aboard his landlocked ship for a life of substandard pirating. Galavant considers the offer but promptly refuses because PLOT, but also because BOOBS.
And just when our hero is deciding that “togetherness” and compromise is the key to making it through the next four episodes, Princess Lots of Last Names and What’s His Face Squire have come to the same conclusion, working together to defeat the pirates and rescue the jewel.
In the end, our heroes help Lord Grantham get his ship back in the water in exchange for safe passage to King Evil Dick’s castle. On the ship, Princess Lots of Last Names almost comes clean to Galavant about tricking him and sending him into certain death, but doesn’t, because PLOT. Actually, she does come out and confess to him, but he doesn’t hear her, because BOOBS.
(No word on the whereabouts of Lady Mary or Isis the Dog . . .)
It’s Not Easy Being a Jester
Up until this point in the show, things were going pretty well for our Jester. He got to play the narrator. He got to bone the Queen. He got to keep his job in the castle, despite being truly and ridiculously unfunny. He got to wear a hat that jingled when he walked . . .
That was before Evil Dick learned that the Jester was boning Madalena. So he killed him.
Just kidding! Instead of murdering the Jester, Evil Dick decides to taunt him with a bendy sword and get him to help win the Queen’s heart by teaching him how to be funny, which is basically the equivalent of me teaching Stephen Hawking theoretical physics.
Initially, the Jester is so freaked out by the King that his little bells shake every time he comes within three feet of him. But, by golly, as the “lessons” progress, our narrator starts to fall a little bit in love with Evil Dick, not unlike the fans of this show. The Jester grows to like his King so much, in fact, that he decides to put the kibosh on the whole “boning the queen” thing, a decision that ends up getting the Jester thrown in the dungeon . . . the scary one . . . with the rats.
To add insult to injury, as it turns out, Madalena never even bothered to learn the poor unfunny schmo’s name (which I think was Jeremy?). Ouch!
On a brighter note, I bet that dungeon will provide great acoustics for our Jester/Narrator to continue singing the show’s theme song.
Until next time, lads and lassies!