Apr 9, 2017
Galavant: King Richard Gets a Girlfriend! (S2 E3 & E4 RECAP)
This week on Galavant, Jon Hamm won a Golden Globe! And so did Lady Gaga, and that chick from Crazy Ex Girlfriend . . . Wait . . . What? Is that not what I’m supposed to be recapping here?
Oh, OK . . . *flips through notes* Debbie’s really pregnant. Carl’s out of juvie. And Frank tries to fornicate with some dead girl’s panties at her gravesite . . . no, that’s about Shameless. *more note flipping*
There was an attempted baby kidnapping! Mary wins a pig contest! Crap, that was Downton Abbey.
Ooh! Here it is! Madalena and Gareth catch “the feelings.” King Richard learns about democracy AND moves one teensy tiny step closer to finally getting laid! Gwynne decides that being upper-lower class isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. And Poor Isabella becomes the victim of an evil mind control plot recycled from pretty much every season of Once Upon a Time . . . and, trust me, I would know!
First, let me start by saying that the locations on this show confused me. (Probably because I wasn’t paying enough attention during Season 1, not realizing that I’d be doing this again, this year.) Up until this week, I thought that King Richard’s Castle was the one in Valencia that he shared with Madalena, and that Madalena now shares with Gareth. But, apparently, as I learned this week, King Richard’s castle was in another place entirely, one that we never ever got to see on the show. Go figure!
So, now that we got that little tidbit straightened out, let’s review, shall we?
Sweet Dreams Are Made of Dick!
Over in Valencia, or as I now like to call it, Not King Richard’s Castle, Madalena is cranky. She’s not sleeping well. She keeps getting woken up in the middle of the night by Gareth’s screaming, which, unfortunately, is not nearly as kinky as it sounds.
Apparently, Gareth keeps having these recurring nightmares where he stabs King Richard in the back, chops off his head, and such. (You know, as opposed to the pleasant sex dreams he used to have about King Richard, before he betrayed him. . . by stealing the castle . . . that wasn’t really his in the first place.)
Madalena hires Sid to cure Gareth’s night terrors. And by hires, I mean to say she threatens to decapitate Sid, if he doesn’t make those pesky night terrors go away ASAP. (As most bosses will tell you, threat of death is pretty much the best work incentive ever . . . almost as good an incentive as free Teddy Grahams in the kitchen!)
At first, Sid Freud tries to use a little psychoanalysis to fix Gareth. “Gareth, did you ever consider that maybe you are having nightmares where you literally stab King Richard in the back, because you, you know, stabbed him in the back, metaphorically speaking, when you betrayed him by stealing his Not-Castle?”
“Huh?” Gareth responds (much like I did, when I found out about the whole “Second Castle” thing).
Sid responds by waving his hands around Gareth’s head in a circular motion, and singing a children’s song about taking bad dreams away. Problem solved! No more bad dreams about King Dick for Gareth (unless, of courses, you count those naughty sex ones!) I’m totally going to try this on my cat, Piglet, the next time she has a nightmare.
Also going down in Not King Richard’s Castle . . .
The Ears Have It . . .
Queen Madalena is crazy excited to be invited to the castle of two Mean Girl Queens, who teased her mercilessly, back when she was just a poor village girl. Now, she can finally show those bitches that she’s arrived! She’s an Evil Queen too now, dammit!
Dressed in her most expensive earrings and finery, Madalena arrives at the castle, only to learn that the Two Mean Girl Queens only invited her so they can roast her. The usually merciless and venom-tongued Madalena sits silently, as the Two Mean Girl Queens make fun of her jewelry, her inability to keep a man, and her lack of friends. Then, to add insult to injury, they force her to travel all the way home in the mud on foot.
Not willing to admit what happened to her, Madalena puts on a brave face for Gareth and Sid. But Gareth immediately senses something is not quite right with his beloved (?) Evil Queen. This is confirmed, when he catches Madalena tearfully singing about the agony of experiencing her very first “feeling,” and it being a crappy feeling at that.
So Gareth, being Gareth, responds to Madalena’s anguish with the most romantic gesture he can muster. He procures for Madalena the very same fancy earrings that her Two Mean Girl Queen Nemeses’ wore . . . while they are still attached to their ears . . . which he’s chopped off, and left in the gift box.
Now, if that’s not true love, I don’t know what is!
But Gareth and Madalena aren’t the only characters gently dipping their toes (and other people’s chopped off ears) in the Pool of Love this week . . .
Democracy for Dummies
So remember last week, when King Richard returned home to find out that his castle disappeared . . . not the castle he stayed in all through Season 1 that I thought was his . . . but some other random castle? Well, apparently, while Good Ole Dick was away last season, his kingdom folk burned that castle to the ground and became a democracy! Now, instead of King Richard deciding how these folks should live their lives, they get to vote on it and decide for themselves . . . as long as they are white . . . and male . . . and own property . . . and aren’t poor.
King Richard wonders what he must have done to be treated so shabbily by his people. He blames it on the time he advocated babies beating the crap out of one another for sport, which, I personally think sounds adorable. But I guess some people have problems with it.
At the town hall meeting later that day, Galavant and King Richard appeal to the newly democratic populace, in hopes of drumming up an army to rescue Isabella. But then, ABC decides to get all political on us, so none of the townspeople want to go. “Why would we willingly take part in an open-ended foreign conflict that benefits only a few?” The townspeople inquire, while staring at the camera and pointedly winking for a full five minutes . . . just in case any viewers are, like Gareth, incapable of understanding the mostly veiled metaphors of all time.
One towns person does sign up for War in the Middle East . . . er I mean War in The Kingdom of Hortencia, however. It’s King Richard’s childhood playmate Roberta! She’s super pretty, and fights like a champ. She also clearly has a little crush on our Dear King Richard, which may or may not be mutual.
Dating Tips from That ABC Show That Only Airs During the Once Hiatus . . .
No longer able to hold the title of King, Richard realizes that he doesn’t have any other marketable skills.
(He can’t even be the Town Drunk, because that job is already taken.) So, the King decides to follow Galavant (and, I guess, Roberta) on the quest to rescue Isabella.
Galavant isn’t thrilled to have Richard as his sidekick, because, even though he’s a great singer, a pretty good dancer, and probably the funniest character on the show, he kind of / sort of screws up everything he touches.
To keep Richard from following him to Hortencia, Galavant decides to make Richard and Roberta fall in love. But in order to do that he has to keep Richard from . . . well . . . being himself. Honestly, the romance tips Galavant provides during his serenade are quite good. Remind me to add this song to my Spotify playlist, so I can listen to it, before I head out on my next date . . .
Unfortunately, a little Burning Beard Problem keeps Richard and Roberta from riding off into the sunset together, at least for this episode. And this means that Galavant is going to have to keep them around for a little bit longer, which is a good thing. Because, honestly, what’s a Galavant without a little Dick in him . . . I mean it?
Meanwhile, over in Hortencia . . .
Stepford Doofus 2: Electric Boogaloo
Still depressed over Galavant’s presumed rejection of her affections, Isabella masochistically requests that the Court Jester reenact our hero’s telephonic dumping of her over and over again, using puppets, naturally.
Also depressed this week is Gwynne, who decides she hates getting to sleep in an actual bed, showering once a week, and not having all her teeth fall out on a regular basis. So, she and Chef decide to skip town and be poor again together. Hooray! Unfortunately, they are leaving, right when Isabella needs them the most.
Enter the Eeeeevvvilllll Wedding Planner out to control Isabella’s mind, by making her wear a funny hat, so he can rule the kingdom through her. Isabella appears to be totally bummed out about pretty much anything, until she puts on the funny looking mind-control hat.
Suddenly, she’s thrilled to be marrying her 11-year old cousin, and can’t wait for her wedding!
Her mind controlled behavior is suspiciously Stepford Doofus like, which makes me think that the Once Upon a Time writers and the Galavant writers have been cheating off of each other’s exams.
Come on Super Villains in Fairytales! Aren’t there more ways to torture your heroes than making them into mindless smiling puppets? Like . . . say . . . chopping off their ears, and giving them to your future girlfriend, so she can wear them as jewelry! Now THAT’S, at least, creative!
So, what do you think, Galavantians? Is Madalena becoming a softie? Should wearing the ears of your enemies become 2016’s hot new fashion trend? Will Richard finally get to swipe that nearly expired V-card of his? Will Galavant rescue Isabella, before she is forced to a life of Stepford Doofus-dom and Recycled Plot-itis?
Tune in next week to find out . . . or don’t tune in and just read about it here. That works too!