Aug 21, 2017
Galavant: All’s Fair in Love, War and Zombies (S2: Eps 7 and 8 RECAP)
Well . . . Galavant lives on, so I guess we are still doing this, folks . . . at least for another week.
This week on Galavant, MY UNICORN CAME BACK!
Also, GALAVANT RETURNED FROM THE DEAD! Two will they / won’t they couples PROCLAIMED THEIR LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER! There was a CAT FIGHT! A ZOMBIE ARMY rose from the grave! AND A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL was forged that may very well bring about THE APOCALYPSE.
Did I mention the most important part? The one about MY UNICORN COMING BACK????
I did? OK, fine. Let’s get on with it then . . .
UNICORN, UNICORN, Galavant Kicks Death in the Balls, UNICORN
For a man fatally stabbed in the chest with a massively large sword, Galavant sure doesn’t bleed a lot. Perhaps, the prop department spent so much money on the Lizard Pretending to Be a Dragon . . .
. . . and the Ugly Green Lego Block that Was Supposed to Be the Crown Jewel of Valencia . . . that it couldn’t afford the twelve pack of ketchup bottles on sale at Sam’s Club that it would have needed to do this . . .
Anyway, Richard, Sid and Roberta carry a mildly uncomfortable looking Galavant to a healer, who sings over his perfectly healthy looking body for so long that the poor knight actually dies out of pure boredom . . .
I mean, the least they could have done was opened his shirt to examine the nonexistent stab wound, so we could see Joshua Sasse’s spectacular abs again, but NOOOOOOOOOO . . .
Instead, we get another song . . . this time sung by Death himself . . . and these Bride of Frankenstein-ey looking ladies posing as backup singers. . .and the rest of the cast, even though they aren’t actually dead, because, why the heck not? Logic is for losers!
During the song, Galavant sort of / kind of reunites with his lady love, Isabella. It is in this moment that he learns that she’s mad at him for that one time in episode 2 when she mistakenly heard him tell her to go die in a fart.
Death By Fart . . . now THAT would be a brilliant way to end this series. I can see it now, the whole cast is holding hands and singing, when, all of the sudden, they all evaporate in a big ole puffy brown fart cloud . . . except for the Unicorn, of course. I love that unicorn!
But I digress. Back in the land of the living, our Sings People To Death Healer has a Cure for Dying that involves using the beard hair of a middle-aged virginal male. Embarrassed to Admit his Un-popped Cherry Status in front of his lady love, King Richard initially stays mum . . . that is until MY UNICORN returns to finger him . . . but not . . . you know . . . like in a dirty way.
See? Let the record reflect that my UNICORN is a HERO, FOLKS!
Richard gives up his virgin beard hair to save Galavant, and then everybody just sits around and waits for him to come back to life.
Roberta and Richard take this opportunity to almost make out with one another, because nothing says sexy like virgin beard hair and almost-dead knights that don’t bleed nearly enough . . .
Back in the Land of the Dead (which looks suspiciously like the Land of the Living . . . I guess to save money on set design), Galavant literally kicks Death in the balls and comes back to life by the third commercial break.
Hey, Captain Hook, you could learn a thing or two from this guy . . . though you do bleed way better than him . . .
As a parting gift, ole Sings People to Death the Healer gives Galavant and his friend an entire army of zombies to use in rescuing Isabella. But again, because production skimped on the ketchup, these guys look way less like brain eating, skin decaying, half-corpses, and more like slightly sleepy folks that would appear on the People of Walmart website . . .
Summer Loving and Zombies
The next morning, Roberta and Richard lead the zombies in a singalong about their sexcapades from the previous night, which sounds suspiciously similar to the Grease song summer loving . . . just with way more grunting. At the end of it, Richard admits he loves Roberta, also that he’s really glad that he is finally safe from ever having to star in The 40-Plus Year Old Virgin 2: Electric Boogaloo
Unicorn, what are you doing here? You aren’t in this part of the plot. Silly guy!
Then, Roberta and Richard break up, but not because he cries during sex, like you are thinking . . . it’s because he seems to have a death wish. And men with death wishes make bad boyfriends . . . and possible future zombies.
Speaking of the zombies, after the song, the kind of animated, not very dead looking folks go back to being . . . well . . . Walmart People. As such, Galavant has trouble inspiring them to head into war . . . to you know, probably die . . . again.
But then, Galavant tells the Zombie Walmart People that he’s doing it to get back his girlfriend. Suddenly, the zombies are totally gung ho about the whole “dying a senseless death” thing. Thus confirming my long-held suspicion that some zombies are morons . . .
In Which Gareth Leads Us All In a Sing Along Featuring a Cartoon Bouncing Blue Bird
Back in Valencia . . . or is it Hortencia . . . honestly I stopped keeping track of all the “cia” lands on this show . . . Gareth and Madalena are also preparing for war. When Gareth gallantly informs Madalena that he will make sure none of their army murders Isabella, so good ole Mad can do it herself, Madalena is so overwhelmed with happiness that she accidentally declares her love for Gareth.
Having his love reciprocated changes Gareth, in that it causes him to turn into a Disney Princess.
We know that Gareth is a Disney Princess now, because whenever he sings, the words to his song appear on the screen, along with a cartoon bouncing blue bird, so that the audience can sing along in time with the music.
Not now, Unicorn! Come back later, after everyone is gone!
Having declared her love for Gareth, Madalena feels super uncomfortable around him . . . so much so that when she thinks he’s going to propose to her, she kicks him in the balls. (So much ball kicking in this episode.)
It turns out, he was just tying his boots!
Having agreed never to go to war angry with one another, Gareth and Mad eventually agree to (in front of an army of bloodthirsty warriors, no less) to take their relationship slow, so as not to freak one another out with too many “feelings” at once.
And this is a good thing, because Disney Princesses aren’t allowed to have sex. It’s pretty much against the law. Sorry Gareth! If that bothers you, you and your cartoon blue bird should write a sad song about it.
Like Toy Soldiers . . . No, I Mean Literally, The Soldiers Are Carrying Toys
Meanwhile, over in the other “cia” place, a Save the Date card is circulated for the war that will take place in the Series(?) Finale of this show, which makes my prophecy that the entire cast will actually die in a large fart all the more promising. To make matters worse, Isabella Lots of Last Names learns that she will be tasked with leading her land’s army into battle, but only because she was the last person in the room to put her finger on her nose. After all, nothing says Great Army General like being the slowest nose picker in a room full of not particularly fast nose pickers . . .
When Isabella heads to the barracks to see her kingdom’s weapon’s stash, she’s surprised to learn that it’s entirely filled with toys, and spears made out of chocolate. Now, if Isabella was fighting an army of Oompa Loompas led by Willy Wonka, this would be fabulous. But because she isn’t, she’s totally screwed.
Unicorn, go away! I’m serious . . . (no, I’m not really serious.)
She tells the townspeople to bring her anything they think she could use to make a weapon, and ends up with a pile of cooking supplies. This means that Isabella will be able to cook the best meal ever . . . and then eat it while she’s dying in a large war fart.
Madalena Sing-Yells at Isabella, Then Makes a Doo-Doo
When Madalena’s and Gareth’s troops arrive at the “Cia” Place, Isabella approaches her arch nemesis in the hopes of negotiating the terms of her people’s surrender. Instead, the two women end up having a singing cat fight, which is kind of like a regular cat fight, only way less cool . . .
I’m sorry, that was me . . . I just couldn’t help myself that time . . .
In the middle of the cat fight, Isabella fibs to Madalena that she has the One Sword that Will Rule Them All and will use it to defeat Madalena’s army. This makes Madalena nervous and desperate, so nervous and desperate that, despite promising Gareth that she won’t sign her life away to the Evil Mind Controlling Wedding Planner and do the “D’Dew” (It stands for Dark Dark Evil Ways, but is kind of pronounced like Doo-Doo, which is actually pretty appropriate when you think about it) . . .
. . . she ends up Doo-Dooing it anyway, by the episodes end, which will most definitely put her relationship with Gareth, and possibly the entire world, in Deep Doo-Doo. (See what I did there?)
Will Isabella and Galavant reunite in time to share another not-very-good-kiss before they both die in a smelly fart? Will Robert make amends with Roberta before HE dies in a smelly fart? Will Gareth the Disney Princess rescue Madalena from the Doo-Doo she just got herself into? And, most importantly, do you think the Unicorn likes me? Because he kind of looks at me sometimes like he likes me, but I can’t be too sure . . .
Tune in next week to find out, Galavantians . . .