Jul 16, 2014
How To Enjoy Vegas Without Gambling, Drinking, Or Paying For Sex
Hello from Las Vegas! I’m scamping about with friends, and I haven’t yet gambled, gotten wasted or paid for sex, but I’m still having a very nice time! Here’s my quickie guide to how to have a kickass Vegas vacation without doing anything that would make your Southern Baptist parents disown you, probably!
Instead of playing the slots, go to a spa!
Look at me. Just look at me. How fuckin’ satisfied do I look? I’m overjoyed! I got naked in front of a stranger and let her touch me in all the places except my downtownz, and it was great! Then I got more nakeder (I took off my FitBit) and got in the sauna. And then I got in the steam room. It was like being in a really nicely-scented armpit in the Brazilian jungle. Speaking of a Brazilian, that is also something you could get done at a spa! Massages, snatch waxing, free fruit (I had a green apple), a bunch of water and tea, clean towels, AND a nice shower with weird bath products? As much or more fun than playing the Sex and the City slot game, or blackjack, or whatever!
Instead of paying for sad, cold sex, pay for happy, hot food!
What’s that, you ask? Oh, just fried chicken and waffles WITH BACON BAKED INTO THE WAFFLES and also a maple syrup reduction and some kinda barbecue sauce and a bunch of onions and a GIANT KNIFE for to slice it all up! And let’s not neglect the stalk of herbs sticking out the top, cuz that makes it all real classy-like. Eating brunch at Hash House A Go Go is at least as awesome as doing sex to a lady of the night, and probably cheaper! Just look at their menu and tell me your stomach doesn’t have a boner.
Instead of getting wasted, take a nap!
Naps are cheaper and more fun than booze, and they’ll enable you to go the distance, Vegas-style. Because maybe you want to see the art museum at the Bellagio and go topless in the “toptional” pool at Mandalay Bay and also you want to see Celine Dion and Cirque du Soleil and eat thrice at Hash House A Go Go and you want to do it ALL IN ONE DAY! Friend, you’re gonna need a nap. Slide your naked self into a bed you don’t have to make and drift away to a land of dreams, a land almost as great as Vegas itself!
Now by the way, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH GAMBLING, PAYING FOR CONSENSUAL ADULT SEXYTIME, OR GETTING WASTED. I am just providing options because I love you and I want you to have every chance to have a fun time in Vegas. Okay, I have to go eat fancy pants Chinese food now and watch bachelorette parties flash tits at each other, hooray!