Mar 1, 2018
Full House “The House Meets the Mouse (Part II)” (part 2 of 3)
So Joey decides to order pizza inside their Magic Space Dome underwater, and Jessie spends forty minutes trying to figure out how that would work before he freaks out and beats Joey down for his stupidity. So I guess he’s back to being the straight man?
Jessie doesn’t want to stay underwater forever, because remember, he’s got his wonderful wife who still thinks he’s straight, and she’s waiting for him and everything. So he tells Joey to be a man and swim out of the dome with him.
They put on their scuba gear and flippers and start swimming out. Joey hangs onto Jessie’s legs for dear life, though he obviously doesn’t seem that worried, because he takes the opportunity to compliment Jessie on his sexy, sexy calves. So… what, was this all a plot to feel Jessie up?
Stop writing, slash-ficcers.
The shark’s in sight! The music works itself up to a fever pitch, and then… the shark curls up in a corner somewhere and they swim away. Okay.
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Cut to… Tea party! We’ve got Minnie and angry old Donald and Alice and the Hare and Pinocchio and a dwarf. The stupid one. And you just know they’ve all got better places to be.
Michelle sits on her “throne” anyway, and Snow White is just eying her like she wants to tear off a pigtail, but she continues to stand there, happy to play the second string princess. For now.
Michelle: I changed my mind. Can I have my wish back?
Donald chokes on his rage. The Hare is ever so disappointed. Alice is high on the magic cake she got from Wonderland, so she doesn’t care.
Snow White is ready to just throw down, but before taking off her earrings, she asks Michelle why she changed her mind. The reason? Michelle misses her family. Awww… I think there’s a lesson here. But I don’t actually care. Sorry, sad music.
Commercial break! Could they be… Disney commercials?
I’m actually really astounded that we haven’t seen any of the Tanners look for Michelle yet. Or that these people haven’t called security, but remember, they’re not people, but Disney characters! Their first priority is to warm (read: eat) the hearts of children through love and understanding (read: emotional manipulation). But don’t worry, it’s King Mickius to the rescue!
No, really, Mickey totally has this Big Damn Heroes moment, waltzing into the room with his theme music blaring. Danny and the rest of the cast can’t even keep up with this bad ass mother, ‘cuz his swagger’s just too intense. This mouse is hardcore, even when he’s not wielding the Keyblade, and yes, that was a Kingdom Hearts reference. Deal with it.
Cue touching reunion. Danny scolds Michelle, and I give the man props for his scolding abilities. I actually feel like standing in a corner right now. Michelle’s all “but I’m the princess and nobody would do what I told them!” and Danny goes, “Sounds like you were trying to be the boss.” Oh snap.
He name drops Bruce Springsteen for some reason, and because I wasn’t born two hundred years ago, I have no idea who that is (kidding. I partially know who that is). Danny’s girlfriend, whose name I can’t remember, and so I will call her Melissa, tells Michelle that being a princess is all about being fair and kind, which is why everyone just loves princesses! Someone should have told Marie Antoinette that, pre-guillotine.
Michelle apologizes to Kimmy, Stephanie, and D.J., and just like that, they all have tea together. Isn’t it great how quickly and cleanly things get resolved on family sitcoms? All it takes is a quick lesson and everyone’s all friends again! Boring. Luckily, the tea is spiked. Expect bloodshed.
Oh, but it looks like Stephanie’s still jealous of Michelle. We may have something here. Slap-fight? Duel to the death? Give me something here!
Meanwhile, Jessie runs runs runs to the pier with his totally heterosexual white sweater tied very heterosexually around his waist. He asks Chip and Dale where his woman is, and they’re too busy inhaling his food to really care. Then he promises them booze, so they give up the info, telling him Becky’s at the hotel. Jessie steals back his food and promptly runs back, and the chipmunks promise revenge.
At the hotel, Jessie spots Becky on the second floor balcony and calls out her name, and it’s all very romantic and Romeo and Juliet-y, but she is so not having that, nuh-uh, girlfriend.
She scampers off, and Jessie takes the time to flick back his hair before he pleads with her again. This doesn’t work, so he goes over to the piano in the hotel bar.
Becky is halfway to her door when she hears Jessie’s dulcet voice wafting gently up to the second floor. The piano starts and… honestly, I can’t even tell you how the song is, because my second-hand embarrassment was so severe that I had to mute it. Not that he’s a bad singer, no. Obviously not, since he was asked to guest star on Glee for a role that will probably require some form of singing. But I just… I just can’t. Let’s just say it was very nice and sweet and move on. Becky obviously loved it, as well as the two cougars watching Jessie in the background.
The scene cuts back to the pier, where Becky and Jessie sparkle and kiss on a cute little sailboat. That’s been rigged to explode! Yeah, you wish this episode was that interesting.
So we’re at the parade, because it’s not a Disney World episode unless Disney pimps the parade, but I’ve seen it and it is actually pretty awesome, so I can’t snark on it too much. Aww, all my childhood memories of going to Disney World are flooding back. Damn you, Disney. You think this is enough to make me forget that you’re a soulless corporation who stuffs offensive stereotypes and problematic ideology into pretty little non-threatening packages and then feeds them to impressionable children for a profit?
OMG “Prince Ali”! I love this song!
So, I will temporarily forget that they’re only pimping out Aladdin because at the time this episode came out, Aladdin was the big Disney movie in theatres. Woo-hoo, cross-marketing!
Next, Danny and the family go to an Indiana Jones show, and just watching it makes me long for the days when Harrison Ford was still young and hot and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull didn’t exist.
Wait, I’m confused. They just sit down… and the show ends. And then they’re just sitting there clapping. Do they not understand that the show is over? Why is everyone still sitting? The only explanation that makes sense is that the audience is made up of robotic sleeper agents programmed to kill the Tanners once the guy playing Indy utters the words “nuked fridge”. And even that couldn’t make this episode interesting. I’m literally writing my own episode out of sheer boredom.
Melanie, or whatever her name is, leaves. Because her beeper went off, not because the show is over or anything. As soon as she’s gone, the girls descend like a pack of wolves high on oestrogen, gigglingly asking Danny if he’s asked this woman named “Vicky” to marry him yet. Who the hell is… oh. Oh wait. Okay, Vicky. Vicky’s her name. And I still don’t care. So let’s call her Melinda.
Unfortunately, as Danny explains, he keeps trying to ask Melissa to marry him, but the universe keeps conspiring against him. But he’s gonna do it. Come hell or high water, he’s gonna do it. He’s got a plan. An evil plan?
The show starts. Or ends. Or continues. I’m confused. All I know is that Indy bursts through the ceiling (and you know that’s totally coming out of his pay), and D.J hallucinates that it’s her boyfriend Steve. Again. Clearly, she’s been drugged.
Hey wait! Could Disney be pimping Steve because he just happens to be the voice of the titular character of Aladdin, which as mentioned earlier, was the big Disney movie out in theatres at the time? But no! Hey you! Stop that! Stop thinking. Watch Steve as he avoids getting impaled by fake wooden pikes! And gets run over by a giant bowling ball!
Wow, the “Tylenol” that D.J. is obviously on must be extra strength, because her hunky hallucination actually professes his love for her before falling into a pit. She stands up and screams, “Steve! No!” before the real actor playing Indy totally ruins the moment by popping out of the pit all smarmy like. Yes, we know you’re not dead. But couldn’t you have let us hold onto the dream for just a little while longer?
The audience stares at D.J. I stare at D.J. D.J.’s overalls are so lame.
Outside, Danny pampers Michelle some more, and Stephanie passive aggressively asks to go back to the hotel. All that rage has dissolved, and now she’s just utterly and absolutely defeated.
Michelle looks on, wondering if she’s done something wrong, but that’s not possible, because she’s a princess, and the bestest princess ever for that matter! Snow White eyes her from behind a tree, waiting for the opportunity to strike.