May 29, 2018
Full House “The House Meets the Mouse (Part I)” (part 1 of 2)
Ah, the early ‘90s. How much fun did I have drooling over The Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past on the brand new god of gaming technology and beacon for the future, the Super Nintendo? How many times did I listen to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” before it slowly began to warp my mind and make me have fantasies about torturing small puppies? Still, I think some of my best memories would be those nights in the ‘90s I spent parked in front of the TV watching sappy family-friendly sitcom after sappy family-friendly sitcom. And really, what sitcom is sappier and more family-friendlier than Full House?
Well, okay, maybe a few. But come on! The makers of Full House didn’t just sand down all the rough edges—they painted smiley faces on them after. When the show debuted in 1987, most critics despised its wholesome image and unoriginal stories, and practically burned it to a crisp in a torrent of terrible reviews. Even so, the show in all its cheesy glory eventually began to captivate the hearts of children, mothers, and old people across the… I’m gonna say globe. Since I was one of its major fans and I haven’t seen an episode in years, I thought it would be fun to go back and rewatch a few episodes.
The first episode I’ll be looking at is “The House Meets the Mouse (Part I)”, one of ABC’s many “Sitcom Family Goes to Disney World and No This Is Not One Big Advertisement for Disney Even Though Disney Owns ABC (Watch Aladdin)” storylines. Here we go.
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We open with John Stamos AKA Jessie Katsopolis AKA Uncle Jessie AKA the show’s Resident Man Candy. Jessie is saying goodnight to his… kids? Eww. How could I forget about his marriage to Rebecca and his sudden begetting of those pointless Not-the-Olsen Twins duplet spawn?
I know ABC was just trying to cash in on the Olsen-inspired twin craze, but really, every scene featuring these two just screamed, “Hey look! They’re babies! Aren’t they cute?! Aren’t they?! Look, they’re doing baby stuff! Isn’t it cute? Isn’t it!!? Please, we’re trying so hard…” It worked with the Olsen Twins, but lightning doesn’t strike twice in one spot, my friends. Oh well, let’s watch anyway.
So Uncle Jessie leaves his kids’ room with the hope that they might actually sleep and disappear, almost as though they never existed as he goes to bed dreaming of the good old days when he was still a sexy unattached bachelor. The twins say goodnight in their cute baby voices (producers: “See? They’re cute right? Right?”), but come on, you know it can’t be that easy to put them to bed.
Jessie manages to escape long enough to almost literally pounce on his wife Rebecca, both of them totally wanting to do it, but showing it in the most non-threatening, TGIF-friendly way possible.
But oh no, the twins aren’t asleep! They’re alive!! awake and ready for their own unique brand of Not-Olsen-Twinsy mischief! Those little scamps. They somehow manage to climb out of their cribs and burst in on their parents making out in bed. They crash the party, and their parents mask their blinding rage with feigned amusement.
Yeah, that was the entire opening.
Wait, aren’t the cold opens on this show usually supposed to have some sort of point? As I try to figure out why the show decided to waste a perfectly good minute of screen time, the credits roll.
The theme song sounds a little chopped up for this episode. They didn’t even include that “waiting around the bend” part before it goes into the chorus. I like that part, dammit. Oh well, I guess this just means they’ve got a whole lot of episode to cram into 30 minutes.
Ha ha. Every time I see John Stamos I think about that Full House ET Special where he said something along the lines of “I used to have chicks taking off their bras at the sight of me. But as Uncle Jessie I had grandma walking up to me all ‘will you sign my baby’s underwear?’” Yeah, not bitter at all. It’s no wonder he got the hell off this show and married Rebecca Romijn the first chance he got.
Then we’ve got Bob Saget as Danny Tanner, getting his car just as squeaky clean as his fake TV persona.
Dave Coulier as Joey Gladstone. I think Dave Coulier is still telling people he inspired that Alanis Morissette song every chance he gets.
Candace Cameron as D.J. Tanner. As we all know, Candace’s brother is Kirk Cameron, who eventually became a pain in the ass to the Growing Pains writers for trying to impose his ultra-religious views on them. Hey, guess who else is best friends with God?
Next up, Jodie Sweetin as Stephanie Tanner. After the show ended, Jodie unfortunately suffered Child Star Syndrome and got better acquainted with the seedier side of life, and also meth, before checking into Promises, one of Britney Spears’ favorite rehab clinics.
And here’s Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen as Michelle Tanner and Michelle Tanner, respectively. I wonder whatever became of them?
God, what can I say about the Olsen Twins? I spent the good part of my childhood (and some of my adolescence) wanting to be them. Then they came out with New York Minute and that was the end of that. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Lori Loughlin plays Jessie’s wife Becky. Lori is on the new 90210, but I have no idea what character she plays and I don’t really care enough to find out. Sorry, LL fans.
Andrea Barber as Kimmy Gibbler. Andrea completely retired from acting after the show was over. I had always secretly wished she’d do a serious role to shake off the Kimmie Gibbler stigma, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be. At any rate, you can now find her on Facebook.
Scott Weinger appeared for a few seasons as Steve, D.J.’s boyfriend, but Scott’s real claim to fame is that he was the voice of Disney’s Aladdin.
Actually, if you watch the opening credits carefully, just before they cut away from Scott, you can see his mouth droop for a fraction of a second like, “Um, am I done now? Can I go home already? Family Matters is on. And holy crap, they have a character named Steve! But my character’s named Steve! Whoa!” Oh, Scott.
Finally, we’ve got the Not-Olsen-Twins, whose names apparently aren’t even important enough to be included in the opening credits. Yeah, I know there’s probably a logical explanation for this. Then again, they’re not the Olsen twins. Still, if you want to know more about them, Wikipedia’s your friend.
The credits end with that familiar family picnic scene and the “dubudu ba bada” I loved so much as a kid. Wow, I’m getting really nostalgic. Ah, memories. Ah, my childhood! Ahhh, I wanna go back!!
So the episode starts with a wide panning shot over San Francisco, where the show takes place. And then we’re back at the extremely colorful Full House set on the Warner Brothers Studio lot in Los Angeles, where the show was filmed. My, but sitcom sets were colorful back then.
Danny’s new girlfriend Vicky is on her way out of the house, when those little ragamuffins Stephanie and Michelle burst in screaming, “Dad!” at the top of their lungs. Whatever is the matter?
Stephanie: Dad, would you tell her that I get the cherry candy?
Michelle: No, I get it!
Stephanie: No, I get it!
Michelle: No, I get it!
Stephanie: No, I get it!
The never-ending problems of sheltered suburban kids. But then again, after watching other shows where kids screw each other, inhale drugs through their eyelids, screw each other while inhaling drugs through their eyelids, and get arrested for DUI in an attempt to commit suicide because their parents are both whores trying to relive their teenage years through them… Well, let’s just say this is like a breath of fresh air.
So Danny, ever the responsible dad, calls a timeout and points out that there are two chocolates. One filled with cherry goodness, and the other one… a hunk of nuts. Hey, sometimes sacrifices must be made in the name of domestic peace.
Michelle says nuts make her gag, and for some reason the audience laughs loudly and/or they crank up the laugh track on this line, so I guess we’re supposed to find this funny. Oh, Michelle! So Stephanie, with her superior digestive skills, gets stuck with the nutty chocolate candy, and I wonder what the point of this exchange was.
So Vicky’s gotta go. She rushes out, bumping into D.J., Steve, and Kimmy on the way out, giving them all a kiss on the cheek while ignoring her boyfriend who’s following her like a depraved dog in heat. She slams the door in his face before going, “Oh right, my piece of ass!” or words to that effect, comes back, kisses him, and leaves.
Danny’s all sad, commenting that Vicky sees the cab driver more than her own boyfriend. Why? OMG is she cheating on you? Is the cab driver her old pot-smoking college friend who came back to San Fran to discover himself and get laid lots of times? Oh… oh… wait… it’s because she’s gone a lot. Whoops. Never mind.
Michelle asks in her cutest “aw shucks” little girl voice if Danny loves Vicky. Danny smiles, picks her up, and I have this aching feeling in my stomach that we’re about to have a Tanner Moment.
He kisses her and admits that he does love Vicky, so Michelle tells him to marry her, much to the delight of the audience/laugh track. Danny explains that it’s a little bit more complicated than that, but Michelle calls him out on his bullshit, again cutely.
Steve agrees, telling him to go for it. He puts his arm around D.J., saying if he wanted to get married, there would be nothing stopping him. But that arm disappears faster than Britney’s career (ha!) when Danny death-glares him into retracting that statement.
Next scene. Rebecca is typing on a… wait… Is that a laptop?
They had those back then? It’s not made of cardboard, is it?
Jessie runs in excited, because next weekend he and his band the Rippers are playing at Disney World! Rebecca doesn’t seem too happy about this, because that weekend’s their anniversary, and romance will be a little hard with Jessie in Florida and Rebecca not in Florida. Can you see where this is going, folks?
Jessie: Yes, and that is exactly why I booked us in the honeymoon suite at the Disney World resort!
But of course, there’s the problem of the little demon spawn to deal with. For some reason, Jessie has to remind Rebecca that they have about 30 other people living in the house with them, hence the title of the show, so it’s not exactly like they’ll be leaving the kids home alone.
Rebecca and Jessie pretend that they’ll miss the boys for all of two seconds, before Jessie’s off to go get their suitcases for a little time away from the family. Yay!
But then Joey comes home and tells Jessie that he’s going to Florida with them. Turns out that the radio station wants Joey to do his show from there, and have Jessie’s band on his show, and broadcast them all the way back to San Francisco! Wait, what? Okay, they’re just grasping at straws here to make up an excuse to have the whole Tanner family join in on the Disney fun.
Jessie’s not liking it, either. I would describe the expression on his face as a mixture of horror and rage.
Come on, Jessie just wants to have non-sitcomy sex with his wife for a change. Is that so wrong?
Michelle: [as the entire family runs upstairs] Uncle Jessie, Uncle Jessie, we’re coming to Florida with you!
And Kimmy’s coming too! Huh? Why? Jessie stares dumbstruck at this unlucky turn of events, while Rebecca doesn’t really seem to mind. Aw, poor Jessie. Your sexy plans have been thwarted by a plot contrivance.
Michelle preemptively claims the window seat on the plane, because non-window seats make her gag, you know, a little like non-cherry chocolates. Stephanie’s bullshit sense is tingling like a mofo, but the matter is left unresolved until a later time when it’s all going to come to a head and the two are going to have this huge Serena vs. Blair fallout, which will leave one of them, probably Michelle, wandering around like a little lost puppy while thinking that her family hates her and this terrible thought will only be erased by the wondrous wonder of Disney magic. Well, I don’t know for sure that’ll happen, but I’m totally calling it.