‘Full House’ Child Star Candace Cameron Bure Gets Kinky And Submissive, For Jesus

'Full House' Child Star Candace Cameron Bure Gets Kinky And Submissive, For Jesus

What’s the deal with former child stars? Don’t get us wrong, we know being a child star is a fucked-up life, but is the best way to solve it turning into a depressingly fervent Bible banger like Kirk Cameron or, apparently, his little sister Candace Cameron Bure, she of DJ Tanner in “Full House” fame? Yes, little DJ is all grown up and loves her some Jesus and defers to her man.

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First you are totally stuck hearing about how she found Jesus because if we have to read it, you have to read it.

It wasn’t until I read the book Left Behind that I started rethinking my Christian life. […]

After reading a book my brother gave to me, now called The Way of the Master it changed my walk with God forever! It talked about the 10 commandments, and showed me my sin in it’s true light. […] As I went through every commandment, I saw that I’d broken all of them. Then I learned that God was going to judge me by this standard, not the world’s standard. So, while I thought I was a good person compared to other people, I saw that I was a horribly bad person by God’s standard. It was then that I truly recognized and understood my sin and what Jesus did for me. I broke the Law, and Jesus paid my fine.

You know, we spend a lot of time reading evangelical dreck so we can mock it, but we have to admit we haven’t yet come across the trope of Jesus as the dude that pays for your speeding ticket. What CAN’T Jesus do?

It looks like if Jesus picks up your tab, the price is that you have to do the whole submit-to-your-husband thing. And not in the fun way!

Because some people — including Bure herself!! — have pointed out that this stance is something people disagree about, People magazine called it “controversial” and NewsBusters is mad as hell and they’re not going to take it anymore.

The headline on the Patrick Gomez article was “Faith, Family, and Full House: The former child star opens up about her controversial beliefs – and how they guide her life as a traditional wife and mother.” Gomez highlighted how Bure believes in “wifely submission” and drew feminist criticism: […]

“Bure says she meant that while her voice is respected, it makes sense to have one spouse call the shots. And in her marriage, that’s Val, 40, a former hockey player who now runs Bure Family Wines, a small vineyard.”

“We split responsibilities as evenly as possible,” she says. But it’s her husband who is the “leader” of the family. And she’s not apologizing for the arrangement: “Not everybody is going to like me or agree with my point of view,” Bure says. “But that’s okay.”

So basically People magazine acknowledged that some people find Bure’s views controversial and that means argle bargle they hate Christians forever and will oppress them forever. Got it. Perhaps if Jesus paid People off, they’d be more nicer.

What, you ask, is Bure doing now? Why, she’s on this season’s Dancing With The Stars, which has become sort of a refuge for Christian ladies who want to show off while pretending that they’re being modest. Looking at you, Bristol Palin.

Would you like to see Candace Cameron Bure dance modestly? Of course you would!

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANKgdUgBq68

Dunno. Looks like the Devil’s work to us. Candace, you better call up Jesus and get him to front you some money for all your sins, dancing and otherwise.

[HuffPo/Candace Cameron Bure/US Weekly/NewsBusters]

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