Here Are Your Five Need To Know Oscars Moments For Watercooler Chatter Today

Did you watch the Oscars? Did you ostentatiously NOT watch the Oscars? Congratulations to you for whatever you chose. Be proud. But today people will probably be talking at you about Oscar Things, so here’s a quick and dirty guide to some Big Oscars Doings so that you don’t sound like a jackass at work today.

1) Matthew McConaughey’s “I’m My Own Grandpa” Acceptance Speech

If you watch nothing else from the Oscars, if you refuse to even believe IN the Oscars, just spend three minutes on this Matthew McConaughey acceptance speech for Best Actor. We learned that he super duper rehearsed his speech. We learned that he is a super God sort of guy, which we didn’t know? Listen, we are fine if you need to thank a sky god for your Oscar win, just as if you want to use your Oscar to come out, or to plead for the people of Tibet, or what-the-fuck-ever. It’s your precious 45 seconds or whatever. But McConaughey’s weird rambly dimestore philosophy God stuff was like being trapped in a college bar at closing time with a really high senior who stopped paying attention in class three years ago but who still really really wants to explain Nietzsche to you, and featured bon mots like:

“In the words of the late Charlie Lawton: ‘You got God, you got a friend. That friend is you.’

No fucking idea what that means. You are your own best friend? God is your best friend? You and God are both your best friends? And McConaughey didn’t get any weirder after he stopped god-bothering, because then he pivoted to explain how he is the wind beneath his own damn wings, thank you very much.

“And to my hero – that’s who I chase. When I was 15 years old I had a very important person in my life come to me and say: ‘Who’s your hero?’

“I said I don’t know, ‘I’ve got to think about that, give me a couple of weeks.’

“I come back two weeks later, this person comes up and says: ‘Who’s your hero?’

“I said, ‘I’ve thought about it – it’s me in 10 years!’

“So I turned 25 and that same person came to me and said, ‘So are you a hero?’

“I was like, ‘Not even close. My hero is me at 35.’

“Every day, every week and every month and every year of my life my hero is always 10 years away.

OK then.

2) Pharrell And Meryl For Life

Pharrell’s Oscar-nominated song, “Happy,” is irrepressibly hummable and danceable, so he brought out an entire kid/tween/teen show choir to dance with him and then upped the ante by heading to the audience to dance with Lupita Nyong’o and Amy Adams and even get a shoulder shimmy out of Meryl Streep, because literally no one on earth can resist the power of “Happy.” Well, except the Academy voters, who threw best song, inevitably, to the big Disney number, “Let it Go,” from Frozen, which is the type of song your child wants to listen to 1000 times in a row.

3) All The Oscars For Darlene Love. All of Them.

20 Feet from Stardom won an incredibly well-deserved Oscar for Best Documentary, and if you saw the film, which tells the tale of the best backup singers in the music business, including Love, you were sitting there thinking “oh please oh please oh please oh please let Darlene Love sing her acceptance speech” and then FUCK YES SHE SANG HER ACCEPTANCE SPEECH. Darlene Love is a goddamn national treasure.

4) You Had One Job, John Travolta

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sliDVeMksjU

So you’re John Travolta. You’re a rich dude. You have people. Lots of people. But somehow none of those people could stop you from making bad decision after bad decision after bad decision. First, you keep getting work done on your face to the point where you look like you’re wearing a death mask. Next, you got even more eye work done approximately ten minutes before the Oscar ceremony, so your eyes were still squinted almost shut. Three, you decided not to practice the 30-second intro you needed to give, even though you for sure weren’t going to be able to read the teleprompter with your beady little swollen shut eyes. A veritable avalanche of bad choices, all of which led up to Travolta introducing singer Idina Menzel (which, if you look at it, is actually a completely easy name to pronounce if you get your hooked on phonics on) as “Adele Dazim.” Dude seriously.

5) Donald Trump Livetweets The Oscars

So Trump livetweeted the Oscars. Well, sort of. He started out by tweeting about how terrible he thought the Oscars were.

Donald_J__Trump__realDonaldTrump__on_Twitter

But then Trump realized he liked having his ego stroked far more than he liked just getting his hate on, so he retweeted people that were tweeting about how awesome he, Donald Trump, was.

Donald_J__Trump__realDonaldTrump__on_Twitter 2

And then, because no one does craven and grasping like The Donald, he pivoted to retweeting people talking about his pretend Presidential run.

Donald_J__Trump__realDonaldTrump__on_Twitter 3

Never say die, Donald Trump fans, most of whom are actually Donald Trump, never say die.

There. Now go forth to your office or cardboard box or massage table or nunnery or wherever you spend your day, and feel confident that you too can talk about the Oscars. Thank us later.

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  • $73376667

    SNOW DAY, BITCHES! No water cooler conversations for me, Oscars or otherwise.

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  • Joline Z

    I’m convinced that McConaughey was actually trying to quote the Toy Story song and got lost somewhere in the middle – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zB2gPZRsz0Q&feature=kp

  • unhipcat

    actually, it’s the wind above your wings that creates the lift that allows you to fly. the wind beneath your wings isn’t doing much to help your flight.

    • $73376667

      /twitchhttps://xkcd.com/803/http://www.amasci.com/wing/airfoil.html

  • Jaime Oria

    Didn’t Scientology-based techniques cure Tom Cruise’s dyslexia? The lessons clearly didn’t take with poor John Travolta.

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