Apr 30, 2020
Five Catholic TV Characters Who’d Be on Their Way to Philadelphia Right Now to See Pope Francis
Pope Francis is on his way to Philadelphia this weekend, and hundreds of thousands of faithful Catholics from all across America will be there to greet him. All the holy hullabaloo got us thinking which of our favorite TV characters would want to be there and what they’d do if they got a chance to meet Mr. Infallible face to face.
Matt Murdoch a.k.a. Daredevil
Matt Murdoch revels in good old-fashioned Catholic guilt over his superheroic violent streak, but with fancy new duds to wear in Season 2, he’s not likely to start turning the other cheek any time soon. Instead, he’s going over the head of his local priest buddy to try to get a special dispensation from His Holiness, which he’ll totally get, because as it says in Ephesians 21:5-6, “DC shalt thou not worship, for Marvel kicks ass.”
Despite playing the Doubting Thomas to Mulder’s true believer, Agent Scully’s skepticism rarely extended to her Catholic faith. With all new supernatural and extraterrestrial adventures about to befall her once again, now’s a good time to get that ultra extra-special straight-from-the-pope blessing to ward off otherworldly evil. Of course, the moment she walks away, the Cigarette-Smoking Man will peek out from behind a statue and shoot a wink and a thumbs-up in the Pope’s direction.
Fictional faux-conservative Stephen Colbert is still the best Stephen Colbert, and with his beloved Republican party threatening to succumb to the secular bluster of Donald Trump over the Christian bluster of everybody else, nothing but an exorcism will do! Not of the party, of course, which is by definition infallible, but of the Pope himself. Dude believes in global warming. Clearly the influence of demons.
Jane (the Virgin) Villanueva
Perpetually tempted and conflicted, Jane will see a vision of Sonia Sotomayor in a deflating Florida’s Natural blimp that tells her to drive all night to Philadelphia to ask the Pope himself whether to marry Michael or Raphael. Due to a wacky mix-up involving a Peruvian water polo team, celebrity chef Michael Symon, and her mother’s high school boyfriend (who just happens to be staying in the same hotel), she will miss her chance to meet with His Holiness, but she will end up losing her virginity to Stephen Colbert.
After kidnapping the Pope during his last U.S. visit, Peter and Francis probably have a lot of catching up to do. After all, Stewie was barely one year old when last they met, and Meg had only just turned 16.
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