We Finally Watched Sarah Palin’s ‘Amazing America’ Teevee Show. Now Give Us A Cookie.
We totally forgot we were planning on hate-watching Sarah Palin’s “Amazing America” and had vaguely hoped she’d have already quit the thing, but it is still a thing that is on, and now it is a thing we have watched for you. Don’t expect this to happen more than once.
This week’s episode is about SWAT teams and IEDs! Are you getting a paramilitary boner yet? Sarah probably is!
She has a posse, including a black dude, and they travel together to see Real Murka. In between their adventures, which involve a lot of yelling “I LOVE AMERICA” there are little Sarah Palin talk time vignettes, so you can see her wide variety of t-shirts. This week: a bedazzled gun, ’cause you gotta keep it ladylike when getting your Second Amendment on.
She actually says freedom isn’t free. Is she the only person on earth who doesn’t immediately hear “it costs a buck-oh-five”?
One of the posse, Jerry, is going to Hagerstown Maryland to train with some company that trains SWAT teams. Before we get to see Jerry suit up, though, we have to let this dude that runs the SWAT training company, called OPTAC International (which also has its own cute little shirt) basically give a commercial for his services.
Hard-hitting journalism this is not. They dress Jerry, who is not the most slender fellow, in one thousand pounds of SWAT gear so he can go for a run and get some cop cosplay in at the same time.
Jerry also has to climb a fence, so we have to watch several shots of Jerry flinging himself over the fence. This is wuss stuff. We’re not saying we could do it, but we’re not going on teevee hanging with the SWAT people either, now are we? We cut away from Jerry’s adventures so that Sarah Palin can give us a book report on how the OPTAC people are real patriots who do real good training, so now it is like we’ve had to sit through two different but equally hagiographic OPTAC commercials.
Oh god we are watching this on actual teevee with actual commercials. They are all commercials for making your truck look more macho and things related to guns guns guns guns guns. One actually uses “varmint” as a verb.
Jerry gets to go on a SWAT mission that simulates a real mission that killed two SWAT officers. Sounds like a fun way to spend an afternoon. Jerry cannot stop talking to himself, yelling “THIS IS CRAZY THIS IS CRAZY” as he runs. We assumed SWAT guys were supposed to be more stealthy. Jerry fucks up and gets everyone killed.
Jerry is also a master interviewer, asking the SWAT guys things like “hey isn’t it a good idea to have a SWAT team?” Why yes it is! Frost/Nixon this is not.
After you watch Jerry do all these things, Jerry immediately comes back and tells you what you just saw, completely with footage of what you just saw. This show is only like 23 minutes long to begin with, so if you figure they recycle this much footage WITHIN THE SAME SHOW you’re pretty much watching like 15 minutes of content, tops, which is all the Sarah Palin you should be exposed to in one sitting.
Now here’s Sarah again to stare at the TelePrompTer and tell you that SWAT team members are the real heroes. Thanks Sarah.
Looks like they sent the black friend, who we guess is called Mark, to Pennsylvania for a little red, white, and BOOM. Yes, he really says that, and then blows something up.
Now back to Sarah for a little speech about how the terrorist are coming to get us all but some company in Pennsylvania will protect you by making a whole bunch of inert/fake devices so you will learn all about those devices and be safe. We think we’ve got it. Basically, the takeaway is that terrorists could be everywhere. They could deliver you an IED in your pizza, people!
The camera keeps lovingly traveling over the fake guns, the fake timers, the fake bombs. You can almost hear the heavy breathing.
Did we mention there were commercials? Now there is one for another one of those country-rock dudes that no one has ever heard of but they sing about how much they love the Second Amendment and freedom in really shouty Nickelback voices.
We feel so rocked right now.
OK, back to Mark visiting Bombville. They’ve slapped him into a bomb suit that is incredibly unflattering.
He does not defuse the bomb so maybe he is dead now?
Now it is Mark’s time to show us footage of all the stuff we just saw Mark doing. How much do you think they make per hour to do this??
After that, the guy that owns Cosplay Bombville, which is actually called Inert Products, get to give their own little commercial about how great they are. And then here’s Sarah to tell us how great that company is as well, and then the show is over. Wait what?? That’s it?
So to sum up, here’s how amazing America is, according to Sarah Palin: have Sarah Palin do 3, maybe 4, standups where she stares glassily at the camera and tells you how great freedom is and how great whatever company she is shilling for is. In between, do two different segments where you send the dudes to play paintball or whatevs. Then let those dudes talk about what you just saw them do.
This must be a definition of “amazing” we were hitherto unaware of, because this was just kinda boring. Wake us up when Sarah field dresses a moose or rides a snow machine or all the other crap she always talks about doing, because this thing is meh. We’ll go back to watching the Duggars instead.