• Agonizer / Text / When You Think About You You Touch Yourself

Federal Workers: Free Marital Aids Because You Deserve Love Not Money

So you’ve been furloughed. You’re probably wandering around the house in a bathrobe, thinking it would be cool to leave the house, but then thinking that you probably should not leave the house because of the whole part where you no longer have money to spend. [True fact: I endured not one, but two, state shutdowns within 6 years here in the great state of Minnesota, and this is pretty much what we all did while unemployed.] Well, you have no monies, and therefore cannot go out and meet people you would like to sex, but thanks to some genius marketing at the not-all-that-creatively-named Vibrators.com, (oh, for fuck’s sake, of COURSE that link is not safe for work. Do I really need to tell you that?) you can get your solo sexytime on for the low price of free:

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Vibrators.com recently announced the promotion, which the company says will last as long as the impasse between House Speaker John Boehner and President Obama drags on.

“Are you a federal employee that has been deemed non-essential?” an ad for the giveaway states. “Do you have a little too much time on your hands and nothing to do? Is the recent government shutdown to blame?”

There are 200 self-lovin’ machines available each day, and it will surprise no one that those 200 were gone by 1:00pm yesterday. So, if you’re a lonely sort of temporarily unemployed federal person, go get your free vibrator, because baby, you’re worth it.

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