Favorite 2016 VP Picks: Fictional Characters Edition
Ah, the life of the Vice President of the United States. Attending funerals and breaking ties in the U.S. Senate. Spearheading a public awareness campaign or two that aren’t important enough for the President or feel-good enough for the First Lady. Pretending that not even the smallest, darkest corner of your mind is crossing its fingers for a national tragedy.
We’ve reached the point where the presidential candidates are set, and so the cable news networks fill the endless weeks until the conventions speculating wildly about who each side will pick as their #2. Naturally, it’s boring as hell, because they limit themselves to plausible, real-world people who actually exist. Fortunately, we don’t have those kind of restrictions around here. So we asked ourselves, “Who should Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton pick for vice president if they could choose any fictional character from the big or small screen?”
Let’s start with Trump…
Katniss Everdeen (The Hunger Games)
Katniss was catapulted from reality show celebrity to political revolutionary, so it’s easy to see her appeal to the Trump campaign. Of course, it turned out Katniss was nothing more than the pawn of a corrupt, amoral, self-serving charlatan who understood how easily fame could be parlayed into a bogus populist movement. So being Donald’s running mate would mostly be a lateral move for her.
Optimus Prime (Transformers)
Like Donald himself, Optimus Prime is awesome mostly because of what we remember from the ‘80s, and not for his current bizarre behavior. His star-struck followers never question his leadership, despite the fact that he’s wildly inconsistent, preaching respect for life one minute and incinerating Kelsey Grammer the next. He loves to proclaim thunderous platitudes while failing miserably on strategy. Seriously, this guy’s had to be brought back from the dead more often than Jean Grey.
Anya (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
A former demon, Anya becomes enthusiastically patriotic in the very same moment she realizes free market capitalism gives her carte blanche to pursue her own self-interests. To her, being an American means that money is the ultimate scorecard of human achievement. She’s like Ayn Rand, if Ayn Rand were completely lacking in self-awaren—actually, she’s just like Ayn Rand. And if you think Donald enjoys wallowing in petty grievances, woo boy, Anya spent more than a thousand years pursuing vengeance against men who screwed over women and suddenly she’s not looking like such a good pick.
Saruman (The Lord of the Rings)
First, he’s a wizard. You always want one of those on your campaign team. Second, no one’s got more experience playing second fiddle to the embodiment of malice and hate. Third, he would kick ass in the debates. The dude talked rings around Gandalf in the White Council, and only those of the strongest will and stoutest spirit can withstand the bewitching power of his voice. Fourth, he used to have his own personal army. How many potential veeps can say that?
Elizabeth Jennings (The Americans)
Just like Donald, Elizabeth is a fraud who will say or do anything to fool Reagan-lovin’, gun-totin’, Bible-thumpin’ Americans into thinking she’s one of them. Of course, in Elizabeth’s case, that’s because she’s a KGB sleeper agent. Donald just has to get her to switch her allegiances, and she’d be completely and fanatically devoted to making America his bitch, whatever it takes. Of course, how could Donald ever know for certain he’d truly won her loyalty? It might only be a matter of time until Donald was stuffed in a suitcase and Elizabeth was running the show.
And now, Clinton…
Princess Leia (Star Wars)
Looking for a kickass woman with military experience? When it comes to taking down evil empires, Ronald Reagan ain’t got nothing on her. And don’t forget she’s also campaigned for public office before, being the youngest person ever elected to the Imperial Senate at just 18 years old. Even though she apparently never went on to become a Jedi, her innate ability to call upon the Force would make her quite persuasive on the campaign trail: “You are very concerned about corporate tax inversion regulation.”
She’d also be able to bond with Hillary on a personal level. Who else in the universe knows quite so well what it’s like to be married to a scene-stealing charismatic scoundrel?
Tony Stark (Iron Man)
Speaking of scene-stealing charismatic scoundrels, Tony Stark is everything Donald Trump pretends to be: genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. He’s also capable of putting genuine wit behind his insults and thought behind his ideas. A Twitter war between these two would be like Hawkeye vs. Hulk at thumb wrestling. Plus, Tony knows how to run rings around a congressional investigation while still being willing to bend over for the United Nations.
Woody (Toy Story)
A running mate who’s made of plastic and is completely lifeless when anybody’s watching? Hey, that didn’t keep Bill Clinton out of the White House. Besides, a little blatant pandering to the western swing states like New Mexico, Arizona, and Nevada never hurt anybody. Woody’s got an aw-shucks likeability that can help counter Hillary’s harsh edges, and there’s no one more loyal to round out a duo. Plus, she’ll have an easy time pulling his strings.
Lucius Fox (The Dark Knight)
Not only does he provide the perfect foil for Donald’s business experience, but more importantly, he’s extremely good at keeping his boss’s secrets. Lucius can build Hillary an impenetrable private email server to keep in her closet, and also her own Batmobile. He’s got a voice you can’t help but trust, a smile that touches your heart, and did you not hear me say her own Batmobile?
Any likeability problems vanish immediately with this little guy on the ticket. Doesn’t your heart just go out to him? I’ll vote for you, kitty!!!