Mar 9, 2021
Fantasy Mission Force (1984) (part 2 of 7)
And now, the opening credits of the movie, which is pretty odd, since we already got most of the credits already, including all of the actors’ names and the director’s name. These credits are set to a really obnoxious upbeat pop song that goes “ooh la la, chakka ooh la la!” that sounds like it was recorded by the Chinese version of the Bay City Rollers. S-A-T-U-L! D-A-Y! And because it’s an annoying song, we’ll be hearing it roughly eight billion times over the course of the movie, all at completely inappropriate moments.
The song gives way to another, goofier song as we cut to several tuxedo-clad waiters serving meals to a guy dressed like a hobo. And then, if you can believe the audacity of it all, the hobo begins to perform a musical number [!!] that’s completely in Chinese. Whoever dubbed the film didn’t bother to dub the musical number with English lyrics, so of course, I haven’t got the faintest clue what’s going on here. Which makes it all the more absurd and hilarious, especially when I see things like the following:
- The Hobo randomly tossing loads of cash in the air.
- A waiter grabbing a finger bowl that a white guy was using to wash his hands, and bringing it over to the hobo.
- The hobo then drinks [!] out of the finger bowl, and spits all the water out in the waiter’s face.
- Lots of beer being poured.
- Lots of steaks being grilled, while the white guy who had the finger bowl looks on in befuddlement.
Eventually, however, everyone in the restaurant is swaying merrily to the Hobo’s tune, which includes many iterations of him yelling, “Lai lai lai!” The music finally stops, and the Hobo spots a black guy wearing a holstered gun. (And unlike the “African Major General”, this is a real black guy, and not just a dark-skinned Asian.) The Hobo attempts to take the gun away, but the black guy pulls out the gun and sticks it in the Hobo’s face. Then Hobo pulls a Tim Roth and peeks down the barrel of the gun.
The Hobo then hands the black guy cash, which the black guy accepts, all the while laughing merrily. The Hobo tries to take away the gun, but the Black Guy jerks away, and provides one of the more sound-clip worthy quotes of this movie, or any movie really, when he says, “But you must call me poppa!” [!] You know, I heard he loves it when you call him big poppa! The Hobo looks around mortified, but finally says, “Poppa.” Black Guy gets another good hearty laugh out of this, and hands the gun over. Everyone’s laughing until the Hobo turns the gun on everyone and declares it’s a “stick-up”. I hear this is why most firearm transactions don’t take place in fine restaurants.
With little rhyme or reason (get used to it), we cut to the Hobo, slightly cleaned up and eating chicken out in the woods. Someone fires an arrow at him, but he jumps out of the way and the arrow strikes a tree instead. Attached to the arrow is a scrolled up parchment, which unfurls and shows what I think is a wanted poster for the Hobo, but I can’t be sure, because it’s all in Chinese.
The Hobo looks around, and then someone launches some type of smoke bomb, so the Hobo quickly gives himself up. He makes a big scene out of tossing something in the direction of the person shooting at him (I’m guessing, the jewelry he just stole in the stick-up?). But then he spots a guy’s head poking out from behind the tree and shoots at it. Sadly, it turns out to be just a mannequin head on a stick.