Once Upon a Time: Extreme Makeover

 

presto chango hook

No offense to Robert Carlyle, but this is pretty much the Worst Makeover Ever . . .

Regina pledges to the Sorority of Evil, Rumpel proves just how two-faced he can be, and Pinocchio is growing up way too fast in this week’s Once Upon a Time


 

Well, we all have a face that we hide away forever. Then, we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone. Some are satin. Some are steel. Some are silk and some are leather. They are the faces of a stranger, but we love to try them on.

–  Billy Joel, “The Stranger”

Sometimes changing your look can change your entire outlook on life. It can alter the way people perceive you, and the way you see yourself. You hear actors say it all the time . . . how getting into costume plays a big part in helping them to embody the particular roles they are about to play.

hell am i

When people like you and me want to upgrade our appearance, we get a haircut, try on a new outfit, slap on some makeup. When people in Storybrooke want an appearance upgrade . . . they literally put on someone else’s face . . .

This week on Once, Rump played some Hook-y. Maleficent kicked her drug problem and got reacquainted with her inner dragon. And Pinocchio showed us that even puppets aren’t immune to the ravages of age, hard living, and the lack of a good strong razor.

Let’s review, shall we?

There Ain’t No Party, Like a Villainess Party!

Disney’s Princesses are good for a lot of things. Helping you with your chores . . .

cinder clean

Babysitting . . .

snow and dwarves

Homework . . .

reading

Swimming Lessons . . .

swimming

But if you really want to let loose . . . kick back a few too many drinks . . . tear up the town . . . and have a night you won’t remember enough of to regret, the Disney Villains are the girls you really want to have on your speed dial.

shots shots shots

“SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!”

Emma is super worried about Regina going undercover to Cady Heron the Queens of Darkness. When what she should be is JEALOUS with a capital J.

Alcoholism... making ugly flying monkeys look like Captain Hook since the beginning of time...

Sympathy drinking?

Regina’s “initiation” back into the Bad Girls’ Club seems to involve nothing more than getting sh*tfaced at Granny’s, defacing a little public property, riding in Cruella’s cool ass car, and playing a game of chicken with a train no one ever knew that Storybrooke actually had (perhaps it was the Polar Bear Express passing through?).

Anyway, Regina stays out all night with the ladies–and pretends that she hated doing it when questioned by Snow and Co. the following morning. But we all know she secretly loved every minute of it.

ONCE UPON A TIME: Extreme Makeover

The next day Maleficent visits Regina, offers her some Aspirin for her hangover, and pretty much spills the beans to her entirely about the Queens of Darkness’ plan to find The Author and use him to seek vengeance on all the fairytale heroes by stealing their happy endings. Army of Skanks: Infiltrated, Cady Heron Mission: Accomplished.

easy button

Wow! And that was all it took? I’ve seen sororities that haze more than this.

Then again, it’s not like Regina had to stretch too far to pretend she was a bad girl. When you put an entire kingdom under a curse for 28 years, your reputation kind of precedes you.

ouat 4.3 evil queen

Besides, apart from that one time Regina buried her ass underground for 30 years (it happens . . . right?), Maleficent and her are kind of besties . . . (?)

I smell another flashback . . .

The First Rule of Sleeping Curse Dealing Is Don’t Sample Your Own Product

When a pre-Evil Queen Regina finds herself quickly losing patience with Rumpel’s uber-slow World Domination for Dummies teaching style, she seeks out Maleficent (i.e. the chick who turns into a dragon and burns villages for sh*ts and giggles) in hopes of switching into a more advanced villainy class.

disapppointed

“Bored now . . .”

So you can imagine how disappointed Regina is when she gets to Maleficent’s house and finds her with straight/crimped hair (oh the horror!) and completely doped out on a sleeping potion she keeps on hand to prick her own finger with whenever she gets too overwhelmed by her own “feelings.”

high as kite

“I can’t make fire with my fingers, turn into a beast on cue, or spontaneously give my hair the perfect curls anymore, because I’m a drug addict with a major case of the Sads,” admits Maleficent.

“That sucks,” commiserates Regina. “Hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t you use your recently acquired drug addiction to your advantage and snort some fire power off of this tree you burned once that’s actually still on fire?”

“Meh, why not? I didn’t actually have any other plans today, apart from binge watching Season 1 of True Blood on Netflix. That Vampire Pam’s a real pisser,” Druggie Maleficent responds.

crimp hair

Out in the forest, Maleficent makes quick work of snorting the tree. But fares slightly worse when King Stefan and his crew come riding by and she actually has to . . . you know . . . breathe fire and stuff. She and Regina are promptly rounded up by the king and his men. And when Regina lodges her own fireball defense in retaliation, Maleficent knows it’s time to put up or shut up. And so she attempts to turn into a cartoony CGI dragon again, only this time, she succeeds. Hooray!

dragon

Sistas! Doing it for themselves!

One thing I liked about this episode was that it was so unapologetically Pro-Bad Guy! I mean, honestly, who didn’t cheer when Regina and Maleficent, fresh off their victory against King Stefan and Friends, succeeded in tranquilizing his daughter, that brat Princess Aurora?

curse her

falls asleep

Much more likeable when comatose . . .

Because, honestly, no one really liked Princess Aurora, did they? Except, perhaps, for the people who wanted to get into her bloomers . . .

ouat mulan

“Guilty!”

And while I’m not big on animal cruelty, I can’t say I was entirely disappointed when Regina took a page out of her new gal pal Maleficent’s playbook and put a sleeping curse on Snow White’s horse so she’d stop winning all those dang riding ribbons.

Nobody should be a winner all the time. Losing every once in a while is good for your soul. And, apparently, at least in the case of Regina and Maleficent, good for your hair . . .

evil salon

“Look like you just stepped out of an Evil Salon . . .”

Also, this happened . . .

mal and reg

Is anyone else starting to think that Maleficent and Vampire Pam may share more than the same face, fashion sense, and knack for dryly delivering snappy one liners?  I’ll take sexual proclivities for $200, Alex . . .

Speaking of sexual proclivities . . .

Because the “Hook” Brings You Back . . .

Belle and Will are on a date at Granny’s, because there is literally NOWHERE ELSE to eat or drink in the godforsaken town of Storybrooke . . .

Then, in comes “Hook” to bust up this chocolate cake eating and canoodling sesh. The World’s Sexiest Pirate apparently needs to talk to Belle in private, and he needs to do it now.

There’s something a bit different about “Hook” today. He seems much more morose and isn’t carrying himself with quite the same bravado and swagger we are used to seeing from him. He’s also kind of leering at Belle, and being a little touchy feely with her, in a way that is most definitely not appropriate for Emma Swan’s Boyfriend.

hook pel

“Hook” tells Belle he thinks she should dig up the Dark One Sword and re-hide it, just in case one of the “Queens of Darkness” decides to try and get her hands on it. Belle doesn’t find this at all strange or suspicious, despite the fact that she is supposed to be the most book smart character on this show. (See? This is what happens when you live in a town where everyone’s favorite book is a picture book on a third grade reading level. You heard it here first, my dearies. Living in Storybrooke melts your mind.)

Belle obediently digs up the sword for “Hook” to re-hide. Then, quells her misgivings about the whole situation by using it to “summon” the Dark One one last time, to make sure he isn’t in town.

come face me

“Dark One, if you are here, come and face me,” Belle calls out, eyes nervously darting from side to side.

facing her

Nothing happens.

Or does it?  Let’s watch that scene again . . .

facing her

If you guessed that “Hook” has actually been Rumpel all along, you get a cookie. You are also smarter than Belle. Probably because you live in a town that has more than one book . . .

sword stolen

Later, “Hook/Rumpel” (Hookel?) checks back in on Belle and makes her take a “pirates oath” not to tell anybody, even the Real Hook, about their late night sword stroking escapades. This “pirates oath” basically involves Hookel looking deeply into Belle’s eyes while he fondles her boobs.

my word her word

Rumpel you dirty dog, YOU!

Hookel then pries for dirt on Belle’s new beau, Will. In response, Belle more or less admits that she’s using him for sex . . . er, I mean, hanging out with him because he makes her happy, which is Once Code for “using him for sex.”

“Does that mean you are over Rumpel?” Hookel asks anxiously.

“Well, I wasn’t until about two minutes ago when you starting fondling my boobs and I seriously began to reconsider. What are your and Emma’s thoughts on threesomes?” Belle replies.

Just kidding . . . unfortunately.

Belle says she’ll never be entirely over Rumpel. And Hookel just barely manages to break out into a happy dance as he escapes into the night with a long pointy thing poking out of his pants that is most definitely not the Dark One Sword he just stole . . .

rump happy gif

Speaking of wood . . .

Pinocchio hits Puberty

Having now been fully indoctrinated into the Mean Girls (she may even get to sing Jingle Bell Rock at the talent show!), Regina gets recruited for her next mission with Maleficent. This one involves getting into a car that Cruella has spelled to drive all by itself. Apparently, her Halitosis Mind Control Power extends to inanimate objects as well as animals . . . Wonder if it works on humans . . . hmmmm).

Wanting to protect the Evil Queen, Emma decides to follow the car by basically tailgating it all the way to its destination, despite the fact that there are no other cars on the road and the fact that Emma and Cruella may very well drive the only two cars in Storybrooke.

How did Emma ever make a living as a bail bondsman? She’s pretty much the least stealthy person, ever!

“I ain’t afraid of no ghost...”

“I ain’t afraid of no ghost…”

The group arrive at Geppetto’s house, where Maleficent instructs Regina to kidnap Pinocchio so the evil Lady Trio can torture the boy into telling them all he knows about The Author, which, as Regina learned last week, is absolutely nothing.

"But I'm still a very good dancer."

“But I’m still a very good dancer.”

To her credit, Regina actually looks momentarily conflicted about stealing the ginger-headed puppet, especially so soon after she and Geppetto bonded over their mutual love of 35-year-old men masquerading as 10 year olds. (Come on, Henry, you aren’t fooling anyone!). Nevertheless, the sometimes Evil Queen zaps the wood kid and his dad with a sleeping curse and carts the tot into Cruella’s car, easily evading Emma in the process.

the worst girl

You can imagine Regina’s surprise when she finds herself in Rumpel’s cabin of all places, and her double surprise when Rumpel himself appears among the trio, no quartet, of evil ladies, brandishing his dark sword.

ROBERT CARLYLE

“Look, as much as it might seem like a lot of fun, I don’t think torturing a ten year old on TV is going to fly with the suits at ABC,” Regina warns, as Rumpel comes dangerously close to the sleeping kid with his Big Ole Tool. (Planning to do a little wood carving, Rumpel?)

“How about torturing a much-too-hairy man? Think that would be OK?” Rumpel inquires.

“Well, yeah absolutely, ABC loves showing hairy men getting tortured . . . but,” Regina begins.

abc logo

“Once Upon a Time has been brought to you by Hairy Men Getting Tortured . . . also Febreeze.”

And just like that, Rumpel waves his sword in front of Pinocchio’s sleeping face, and he turns into August before you can say the words “Special Guest Star.”

august is back

“Anyone got a spare lawnmower I can shave with?”

If Bushy Face knows what’s best for him, he’ll shake the wood chips out of his brain and start talking about that Author, fast. Because Rumpel and his Mean Girls Crew are most definitely no joke . . . (Well, Ursula is still kind of a joke, but other than her . . .)

Until next time, my Dearies!

TV Show: Once Upon a Time

You may also like...