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Everybody Was Drunk At The Golden Globes Just Like We All Were At Home

Did you watch the Golden Globes? Are you an entertainment blogger? Did you have to spend the wee hours furiously rewriting your article about how much it sucked that 12 Years A Slave got shut out until it pulled off its lone award — Best Movie, Drama — at the end? We did not, because we were drinking too much wine to actually start writing during the awards. Small blessings.

Besides the Best Drama win, 12 Years A Slave was shut out, which everyone agrees is some bullshit, while American Hustle stumbled off with three awards — best actress for Amy Adams, best supporting for Jennifer Lawrence, and Best Movie, Musical or Comedy. Now, I loved American Hustle. LOVED. I thought Jennifer Lawrence was a beautiful hot mess. I even liked Amy Adams, who I usually loathe. But that picture and those people are not really the best of anything. If this year’s Globes is the Oscar predictor it is touted to be, there will be celebrities rioting in the streets if Hustle takes it all. Full list of award winners here if you’re into that sort of thing.

What else do you need to know? You already know that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were great, thanks to the simple fact that they are Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

Best jokes of the night:

Jabs at George Clooney:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qijQ16a1B-Q

….and Leonardo DiCaprio:

…and a kinda actually sorta disturbingly attractive in a butchy way Amy Poehler in drag as Tina Fey’s sullen teenage son.

Weirdest moments of the night

Jacqueline Bisset’s acceptance speech for best supporting actress in a series, miniseries, or television film for Dancing on the Edge.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vmtd5Chvzrg

The good folks at Defamer took the time to transcribe this:

(Sigh) God. (Lip smack.) (Laugh.) Um, I think it was 47 years ago that the Hollywood Foreign Press gave me, promising, a nomination for the Holl-uh, Promising Newcomer!!! (Sigh) Thank you very much, Hollywood Foreign Press. I’m absolutely shaken. I can’t believe this. God knows you’ve nominated me about five times I think, anyway. (Sigh) (Lip smack) (Lip smack) (Sigh) OK! Scottish background to the front! OK! Um, I always wanted to do something for the BBC. And we did this. And this was great. Chiwetel, where are you? Can I see Chiwetel? I need him for inspiration. Where is he? OK. We had a good cast, didn’t we? It was great. Starz thank you for putting this on and, uh, (lip smack) thank you to my British agent, Steve Kenis, and my American agent, Harry Abrams. (Music begins) I…I’m sorry, I’m gonna get this together! I want to thank the people who’ve given me joy and there have been many! The people who’ve given me shit, I say, like my mother, what did she say? She used to say, “Go to hell and don’t come back.” However, however, however, my mother was not entirely me. I (laughs) believe if you wanna look good, you’ve got to forgive everybody. You have to forgive everybody. It’s the best beauty treatment. Forgiveness for yourself and for the others. (Blows a kiss) I love my friends, I love my family, and you’re so kind! Thank you so much! (Giggles) Thank you!

You could probably make that speech in about 30 seconds, but it took Bisset triple that, because she was clearly in a different space-time continuum than the rest of us inhabit. Bisset’s stay on the planet of Xanax has likely been both long and copious.

Diane Keaton’s speech on behalf of her pal Woody Allen (he received the Cecil B. DeMille award, but Allen has always been too cool for school when it comes to awards shows) started out just fine. She looked GREAT.

Golden_Globes_2014__Diane_Keaton_accepts_Woody_Allen_s_Cecil_B__DeMille_Award_-_CBS_News

The beginning of the speech was the usual blah blah blah Woody Allen bestest ever changed my life, but then it went into a full-on bleeped-out cursefest and finished with her singing a Girl Scouts song.

Everyone watching at home was either seething at Keaton for standing up for Allen, because fuck that guy, or wrestling with the thorny question of how you like someone’s art when they are actually a terrible human being. But at least none of you are Ronan Farrow, who had to deal with the fact that he was sitting there listening to someone sing the praises of his maybe-father while knowing exactly how awful he is. Good on Farrow for calling that shit out in public:

Twitter___RonanFarrow__Missed_the_Woody_Allen_tribute____

Farrow also retweeted the Vanity Fair article that discussed the sexual assault allegations in full.

Fashioniest moments

Amy Adams’s Super Seventies Sideboob and Frontboob

the.71th.annual.golden.globe.awards.arrival.special.2014.720p.hdtv.x264-2hd.mkv - 00.03.28.642

Zooey Deschanel, Cake Topper

the.71th.annual.golden.globe.awards.arrival.special.2014.720p.hdtv.x264-2hd.mkv - 00.09.55.595

Jennifer Lawrence in Toilet Paper Or Tulle, Take Your Pick

the.71th.annual.golden.globe.awards.arrival.special.2014.720p.hdtv.x264-2hd.mkv - 00.13.41.087

Usher In Regis Philbin’s Wardrobe From 15 Years Ago

the.71th.annual.golden.globe.awards.arrival.special.2014.720p.hdtv.x264-2hd.mkv - 00.36.11.569

Hayden Panettiere With Inexplicably Greasy Swept Back Hair

the.71th.annual.golden.globe.awards.arrival.special.2014.720p.hdtv.x264-2hd.mkv - 00.33.55.166

It wasn’t all terrible greasy looks, though. For example:

Cate Blanchett, Looking More Fabulous Than You Ever Will

the.71th.annual.golden.globe.awards.arrival.special.2014.720p.hdtv.x264-2hd.mkv - 00.39.15.887

Julianna Margulies’s Dress Has Pockets For No Good Reason But Still Looks Great

the.71th.annual.golden.globe.awards.arrival.special.2014.720p.hdtv.x264-2hd.mkv - 00.19.54.260

Julia Roberts In A Dolce And Gabbana Dress That Shouldn’t Work But Does

the.71th.annual.golden.globe.awards.arrival.special.2014.720p.hdtv.x264-2hd.mkv - 00.31.41.700

Best moment of anything until the end of time, now and forever amen

Emma Thompson, who brought a martini up on stage with her and threw her shoes away:

Emma Thompson for Best Human 2013, 2014, Life.

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  • Farb

    Woody is a simple letch with a talent for film maker. Ronan is a very complicated sick pup. Together they don’t add up to a hill of dried beans.

  • Respiteini

    Lol. Stars: they’re just like Wonketteers, but with money and fame.

  • Abracabastard

    American Hustle will absolutely win everything in the Oscars. Most voters will be torn between being very Serious and Reverent and voting for 12 Years a Slave or being populist and admitting they prefer popcorn flicks by voting for Gravity. With most of the votes divided between those two, American Hustle will swoop in on the sheer size of its ensemble cast and their multiple entourages.

  • notanncoulter

    ronan who?

  • rebecca

    Sullen teenage sons are the greatest.

  • andreamd

    I watched Downton Abbey

  • karim

    smug much, diane?

  • mfp

    jennifer lawrence—swaddled in the latest from the dior line of belted bedsheets

  • Annie Towne

    That dress Julia Roberts is wearing–I’ve seen it before. Oh! I just remembered where. Rene Russo wears it in The Thomas Crown Affair. But without the rhinestone belt. Is that even legal? Once a dress has been seen, doesn’t it get ritually burned or something?Loved, loved, loved Emma throwing her Laboutins over her shoulder. From anyone else it would have read, “I have so much money I can toss away a few thou with no problem” but from her it was more like, “What are these? Where are my sneakers?”

  • TheLifeSilica

    Thank God I wasn’t the only person to find Amy Poehler strangely attractive in that getup.