May 31, 2010
Eragon (2006) (part 3 of 13)
Cut back to Eragon, pulling back his bow to shoot the deer. The thing just stands there, staring straight at him, and doesn’t run away. Even the animals in this movie are stupid.
Luckily for the deer, there’s a sudden huge flash of blue light in the clearing. And I do mean huge. This flash of light should’ve been visible for miles. It vanishes, leaving the blue stone lying on the ground, with flames next to it for no particular reason. Needless to say, Eragon is a bit taken aback. He stands there flaring his nostrils, while we see the arrow he fired is now stuck in a tree and on fire, also apropos of nothing.
The stone sits there, smoking (you’ll give yourself lung cancer if you keep that up!), and he goes to have a look at it. Oh, and dozens of trees around him are suddenly on fire. I don’t know why, because it wasn’t like that a second ago. And you’ve got to wonder why he didn’t catch fire as well. But he is a Gary Stu. So I guess that explains it.
Oh, wait a minute. What actually happened was that we just cut back to Durza. Sorry. The editing in this movie is a tad confusing (and by “confusing” I mean “hacked up beyond all reason, and my grandma could’ve done a better job”). Michael Bay has much to answer for.
Durza looks down at Arya, who’s collapsed for some reason (expect to hear the phrase “for some reason” used a lot in this recap). He uses magic to flip her onto her back. Look, dude, would it have really been that hard to just kick her over? I mean, it would have been pretty satisfying. For you and me.
Arya, the kick-ass elven princess, just lies there whimpering while Durza demands to know where she sent the stone. She sneers that he’s going to be in trouble when the King finds out he failed. This pisses him off, so he bares his teeth and uses magic to apparently cause her pain. Whee! Do it again!