Jul 11, 2018
Epic Movie (2007) (part 8 of 11)
Cut to Lucy, Susan, and Peter walking through the woods. They’ve changed out of their “Just Came Out of the Wardrobe” outfits, and are now in their “Narnia Native” outfits. Collect them all! Then… the movie cuts back to Swallows and Penn. I’m sure there’s a basic filmmaking reason why that shot of the other three was inserted, but I just don’t care. I reject your attempts to orient me as to time and space.
Swallows and Penn approach a pirate ship tied up to a dock, full of pirates loading it up with supplies. The ship looks great. It’s got full masts and rigging, which is probably why the directors rented it. Extras run around playing with the ship’s ropes, which must have driven the real owners crazy.
They board the ship and Swallows, swinging his arms, breaks a bottle against the head of a pirate. It’s a somewhat funny callback. Enjoy it while it lasts, because in just a few seconds, Hammond will launch an all out nuclear first strike on the audience, the likes of which has not been seen since Joshua realized that the only way to win was not to play.
It starts innocently enough. Penn marvels, “Wow, a real pirate ship!” Then he asks the question that will kick off every nightmare I’ll be having for the rest of my life. “What’s it like being a pirate?”
Swallows replies, “Let me break it down for you.” And then a beat kicks in. I strongly suggest that young children and sensitive adults leave the room. And the state.