Oct 9, 2020
Epic Movie (2007) (part 7 of 11)
The three orphans must now train to defeat the White Bitch. We fade in on their legs as they walk through the woods. The snow is gone, and it’s summer, and they look up to see a castle-like private school atop a distant hill. The matte painting looks nice. The score sounds nice, too. These are the last nice things I’ll be saying for a while.
Susan, Peter and Lucy emerge into the courtyard of the private school. Students walk around in school uniforms, with some wearing black cloaks over them. You probably know what they’re satirizing here. What you don’t know is how poorly they’re going to do it.
Peter taps a student on the back. How Peter knew to find this particular individual is explained very well, in the alternate timeline where this movie doesn’t suck. The person who turns around is dressed exactly like Harry Potter, but the joke is that he’s 46 year old comedian/actor Kevin McDonald.
To give Kevin McDonald his due, he was one of The Kids in the Hall, a legendary comedy troupe. But he’s about to blow all of that good will in one shot.
He grins at the orphans and says, “Welcome, my name is Harry Potter!” So… of all the things they could have done with the name, the writers didn’t change it at all? I’ll take a drink and, I imagine, so did McDonald before filming this scene.
Susan, confused, asks, “Aren’t you a little old to still be a student here?” So, that’s the joke, then? Thanks for explaining it to us, Susan. McDonald claims, “I am but 14, as are my two friends, Ronald and Hermione!” For some reason, I have a hunch that Ron and Hermione will be ridiculously old, too. I don’t know why.
We pan over, and indeed, Ron’s an old, fat guy with a red beard, and Hermione is… well… she has a huge, pregnant belly hanging out of her uniform, a tight miniskirt which does not contain her legs, and black stockings that come up to her thighs. She’s also smoking. She says to the girls, “Hope you chicks are on the pill. Harry likes to get wasted and show off his sorcerer’s stones!” She then farts loudly. And now I feel just like Malcolm McDowell when he was crying, “It’s a sin! It’s a sin!”. This film is moving me towards a bit of the old ultraviolence myself.
Susan’s next line clears up everything. “They are definitely too old to still be doing this shit!” Thanks for explaining that. Again. I don’t even see why this is a valid criticism of the Harry Potter movies. Daniel Radcliff was only 17 when the last film was shot, so it’s not like he’s a thirtysomething still trying to play a teenager.