Epic Movie (2007) (part 4 of 11)

Okay, the Wonka thing is over. It cross-fades to Peter rubbing his “W” brand. So, according to Seltzer and Friedberg, a skin burn is permanent, but head removal heals in a matter of seconds. Everybody mark your papers accordingly!

Our four “children” are sequestered in a dank, old bedroom. I don’t know how to describe the room except to say that you should imagine an old country estate in England circa World War II. Imagine the kind of place where four children might have been sent to live during the Blitz. Am I making this clear enough?

Lucy is hard at work rubbing a rag on the handle of a door. She explains that Willy told her he wanted his knob polished. Okay, but did he do that before or after he killed her? Then, the epic dumbasses who wrote this nonsense return to the idea that Lucy is so stupid that she’s incapable of anything more than repeating Susan.

Susan: We’ve got to get out of here.
Lucy: We gotta get out of here.
Susan: I just said that.
Lucy: You just said that.

In fact, it appears that they’ve decided to make this the character development scene. The orphans share the fact that they each have nowhere else to go. Susan claims she raised herself, to which Lucy says, “That’s why you have such a tough exterior and you’re kind of bitchy.” First of all, we have no evidence that Susan is tough. After all, her head came off with just one kick. Second, for someone who’s supposed to be bitchy, she’s really taking this comment quite well. Third, the writers just gorram showed us Lucy was too dumb to form complex thoughts. I guess no character is ever too retarded to meet the need for exposition.

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Jordon Davis

B.A. Political Science, SUNY Albany - 1991
Master of Public Administration, University of Georgia - 1993
Juris Doctorate, Emory University - 1996

State of Georgia - 1996
State of New York - 1997

Fields Medal (with Laurent Lafforgue and Vladimir Voevodsky) - 1998

Follow Jordon at @LossLeader on Twitter.

Multi-Part Article: Epic Movie (2007)

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